12 Rules on How Antifa Rules

And other ways to resist from your mom’s basement.

  1. Make sure to project sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, or Islamophobia onto your political opponents. If the opposing interlocutor proceeds to self-identify as a black transgender woman who is Muslim, our organization has yet to coordinate a response for this. It may be appropriate to jump to Rule 2.
  2. As you punch a Nazi’s face, remind them of the dangers of politically organized violence. This is the most effective manner of communication, as it assures the individual’s attention is not diverted elsewhere.
  3. If your political opponent dares to point out the false analogies of conservatism and Nazism, add the clarifying phrase “literally” in front of claims of Hitler. For example, your opponent may say, “Well, the right hasn’t advocated mass killings of people.” To which you must respond, “But the right is ‘literally’ Hitler.” This term elevates the truth of your claim beyond all objective truth, literally.
  4. Never show your face. The observation of a patchy, prepubescent beard may be a distraction for the general public away from our cause. This rule applies to all members, most specifically females. In addition, be sure to cover gauged ears. Any dangling ear lobe caught on camera may give free advertising to the fascist company of Sonic Drive-In and their dastardly — yet delicious — onion rings.
  5. If your local chapter needs to raise funds, buy quantities of cheap ice cream from a tolerable friend with a Costco card. A tolerable friend here is defined as: any individual who can recite the following acronyms beyond LGBTQ. As you sell this ice cream, it is important to remind patrons on the dangers of capitalism. See example of Portland Antifa in the picture at the bottom of the article. Above all, never sell to a literal Nazi. If worse comes to worse, you may sell to a metaphorical one.
  6. Be sure to point out the illegality of banning “illegal” immigration and other such acts of the current administration as you hurl bottles of piss and heavy objects at police without a permit for protesting. This tactic ensures that the public understands that breaking the law is unacceptable because they witness you doing it firsthand.
  7. Always come prepared to a Nazi rally (essentially, a rally that dares to promote any free speech) with sticks, batons, shields, pepper spray, and gas masks, and other such anti-fascist tools. This notifies outside observers that you will fight extremism in, well, the most extreme manner.
  8. If interviewed by CNN Español, it is acceptable to punch the interviewer and film crew because their logo looks like Trump, who is, in fact, literally Hitler.
  9. In the event that you actually converse in constructive dialogue with a political opponent, and in the event you are confronted with a cogent argument, rebut on the premise that your opponent is not woke enough. When asked what being woke means, forcefully respond with tautology: “Woke is, like, woke, man.” If all else fails, screech the term fascism at decibel levels equivalent to a weed-eater. Then proceed to eat weed — to stay woke, fam.
  10. Always opine on white privilege. If the opposing interlocutor points out that you are a white male, which does indeed comprise most of our organization, note that you attend one of the most renowned colleges in the world, thus making your point entirely more valid on that fact alone. Write a tweet from your iPhone X to share your disgust of privileged groups of society. Additionally, go back to Rule 4, because you didn’t stay woke enough to keep your face covered.
  11. If third-party observers point out that Antifa is just as extreme as white supremacists on the right, it is absolutely crucial to build a false dichotomy. Use this line of reasoning: “Those who sat back and did nothing during the Holocaust were just as horrible as the Nazis.” Be prepared to invoke Rule 2 to any response that may follow.
  12. A fascist group may, in fact, get the upper hand in certain areas of the protest and violently strike members of our organization. If this occurs, it is acceptable to accuse them of culturally appropriating this tactic from Antifa.
The resistance is a dish best served cold.
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