The Last To-Do List of Christ

CEN/Da Vinci Restauro

Restorers probed a statue of Jesus this week and discovered a handwritten to-do list tucked into the statue’s backside. The list offers rare insight into what Jesus was doing right up until… well, you know.

1. Hide the recipe for turning water into wine. These people can’t be trusted with hammers, let alone bottomless brunch.
2. Speaking of bottoms… that Judas! Call our marriage counsellor ASAP.
3. Work out the kinks in my garden parties. The clothing optional rule is awkward and the ventriloquist’s snake act ruined everything.
4. Suggest to Mary Magdalene that she stand while I speak. I’ve been told that, from a distance, it totally looks like something else and she’s getting a bit of a reputation.
5. Thank everyone for their generous Kickstarter donations to fund the construction of Noah’s ark. We saved a ton of animals!
6. Call a doctor about the burning bush.
7. Find new friends. I can do better than lepers and I’m going broke by having my furniture constantly reupholstered.
8. Stop enabling Lazarus.
9. Teach the townsfolk macrame, not carpentry. I really didn’t see this coming.
10. Find a more convenient place to hide my to-do lists, perhaps a drawer or a locked box. They’re a bit wordy. Ouch.