How Should We Define Our Exes After a Bad Breakup?
Why I choose to recount both the bad and the good memories
Every relationship ends differently — sometimes in peace, sometimes in strife, and often somewhere in between. How it ends dictates how we talk about it, how we remember it, how we share those memories.
As a writer, I’ve always mined my past relationships as fodder for my essays and stories. That’s just what I do. But readers sometimes get confused by my characterizations of past lovers.
Sometimes, I will share a moment of tenderness or pleasure with a lover that comes off as gauzy and romantic. Another time, I will reveal the pain I felt when I discovered my partner was secretly seeing another woman.
“Wait a minute,” I’ll hear. “Is that the same guy?”
When I confirm that yes, indeed, it was, they’ll say, “How can you write something so romantic about such an asshole? He broke your heart.”
First of all, despite the painful fog of deception in which most of my relationships ended, I don’t believe the lies erased every single moment of goodness from those unions.
I suppose one could choose that path. But what would be the point? You could say you learned a lesson, sure, but that won’t guarantee that you’ll notice…
