Why I Set My White Slip on Fire
Letting go and starting over
It’s hard for me to look back on my writing from 2019. It feels like a million years ago…and it is a time in my life I don’t much like to remember.
Nearly five years after I lost the most significant relationship of my life, I look back now and suspect I hadn’t even begun to heal. Everything looked good and fine on the outside, but inside, I was bleeding out, having no idea how close to the edge I would get.
It was also a time of financial desperation after months of trying to secure an income as a freelancer. I took any work opportunity that came my way, even if it made me miserable. The only bright side of this was that I finally had nothing to lose, and decided to do the one thing I’d fantasized about doing for years, but never had the guts to try: writing about sex.
Sadly, I would discover that this new work opportunity and the slow internal bleeding were about to collide in ways I never would have imagined.
Today, it’s no mystery to me why the imagery of Little Red Riding Hood featured so predominantly in my work. I was about to go on the same journey as the titular character of the fairy tale, allowing my curiosity to lure me off the known path and into the dark woods, where all manner of monsters awaited.
And I wouldn’t recognize any of them for what they were until they had taken a gaping bite out of me.
The White Slip
Though I’ve planned to use my newsletters as a way to acquaint new readers with some of my older work, I’m finding this hard to do with most of the essays I published in 2019. It’s not that I don’t find them worth sharing — but more so that it takes me to a dark place to revisit some of that writing.
I might share more of those older stories in a future Wilder newsletter, but as for Liberty, this will likely be the last time I share updates on 2019 stories.
There is, however, one new chapter that needs to be told. I’ve already shared the story of my white slip and how it helped me reconnect with myself in ways I never imagined. How it helped me heal from that relationship and find my way back to myself.
In the wake of that healing, I hoped to find a healthy, fulfilling romantic experience…and I even brought the slip along for the ride. I began to wonder if that magical garment wasn’t as magical as I had come to believe after each courtship turned into another near-mortal wound — one, in particular, that had me getting far too close to yet another predator of the dark woods who was just as good at explaining away his big, sharp teeth as the Big, Bad Wolf, himself.
And that’s when I realized that my white slip hadn’t healed me, at all. I suspect the journey I took with it was necessary, but ultimately, it led me to realize that the slip had to go — and in a big way. That’s how I found myself standing over my fire pit on the night of the winter solstice, saying goodbye to a garment that had played a pivotal role in my life.
A Fresh Start & Moving Forward
With each passing year, I have the chance to reflect on my past writing — along with the memories and experiences that inspired it — and decide what is truth and what stories no longer need telling.
Once again, I find myself purging stories from my archives, and celebrating the fact that some of the most painful things I have lived through and wrote about are now distant memories. It feels exhilarating to let go.
Not that long ago, as I’ve waded through the brain fog of late perimenopause, I worried that my best days as a writer were behind me. It’s true, I will never write with the same uninhibited passion and wild poetry that fueled my Howl column.
But looking back has made me realize just how much I have evolved both as a writer and as a woman. My voice might not be as unbridled, but it is tempered now with a hard-won wisdom. And my continued dedication to my craft is evident in my writing.
In fact, I suspect my best writing is yet to come…
A New Project
One last note: Since last year, I’ve been sharing my journey of making our second act (middle age and onward) the life of our dreams over on TikTok. I primarily talk about home repairs and improvement for single women and pursuing solo travel.
I’ve decided to expand this series over on YouTube. You can find my first video here.
Firecracker: A newsletter by Liberty (№2)
© Y.L. Wolfe 2024
