Tired of Life? You Need North Korea!

Are you tired of having to live life? Why should you have to do all the thinking and make all the decisions about YOUR life? Can’t someone else do it? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a place you could go where you could outsource your life? Well, there is! It’s called North Korea!

Come to glorious North Korea, the place where dreams are made irrelevant and no one expects anything of you except to do exactly as you’re told. No pressure! A place where you don’t have to stress about climbing the career ladder because there isn’t one! Everyone’s at the bottom with you.* That’s true community spirit!

A place where, thanks to our benevolent leaders, you’ll be spared the agony of choice and the shame of looking inferior to someone else because everyone looks the same. Phew! What’s more, you’ll never have to worry about getting fat because government experts ration all food on your behalf. Problem solved!

Money worries? What money worries? If you’re lucky, then you’ll only have $150 a month to live on, so you’ll have hardly anything to worry about! You’ll be totally free to just lie on the floor and relax.

Bu that’s not all! In North Korea, you won’t have to worry about your family being corrupted by the Internet because almost no one has access! But if you are unfortunate enough to have it, fear not, because all the bad stuff is constantly being blocked by a team of government servants who work 24/7 to keep your soul pure.

But what about the evils of television, I hear you cry. Don’t worry, there are no programs except wholesome family government propaganda, which will leave you with plenty of time to sit quietly and ponder our glorious leader or keep the nation safe by serving in the military alongside a million of your brothers.

And if life’s still getting you down, then worry not because you’re seven times more likely to be murdered in North Korea than in decadent and sinful South Korea. You can even outsource your own death to the government, who’ll be happy to perform your suicide for you! Just criticise the government or try to leave. You’ll be dead in no time!

Still not convinced? Then listen to the testimony of this very smart man. He’s one of the hundreds who, because of brain malfunctions, crossed over into South Korea but then, when their brains started working again, came back straight away.

“South Korea was hell on earth. Some people had much more money than others and yet no one thought this was wrong. The decadence was sickening. There was more food than anyone could possibly eat. There was an absurd amount of choice of cars, phones, clothing — everything.

Everyone looked different, which was unnecessary and confusing. The women were as tall as us and spoke about things that women should not talk about. They dressed like whores. They all had corrupted souls because most of them have access to that International web thing. I saw gluttonous men with fat bellies who were not ashamed.

I’m so happy that I came to my senses and returned to my pure-souled brothers in my beloved North. I shall never leave again. And if I try to, then I give my glorious rulers permission to shoot me in the head and kidnap my family.”

So come to North Korea (which as our name says is a Democratic People’s Republic and definitely not a communist dictatorship) and be freed from the tyranny of thinking and making choices!

*Everyone except our glorious leaders, of course, who must sacrifice being part of the community in order to serve us.