I am always fascinated by people who are thought-provoking—those whose questions and commentary give me pause. I recently met such a person. His name is Scott. When we got on the topic of work, he spoke of how work stresses had worn him down over the last year and that he needed to tell himself he is not defined by work. He told me that his father and his uncle were two of the smartest men he knew but throughout his life, he respected his uncle more because his uncle always seemed to work harder. His father had a camping mattress in his office so he could take naps at work, he took things easy, and he didn’t seem as driven. Now, after the year Scott had and really seeing both men in the later ages of life, he realized that his father did it right and that’s how he wanted to live.
I am not defined by work.
In one second, I heard him say those words and then suddenly, my world stopped. We were in a bustling bar on a Friday night and it was what seemed like a perfectly casual and harmless conversation, until it changed and everything froze: I define myself by my work and if I am not defined by work, what am I?
It’s not a new idea—to be something more than your career. Search for “No one ever said on their deathbed, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office’”and you’ll find countless articles on the subject. Why, then, in this moment, did it have such an effect on me?
This isn’t about Scott and it’s not about my journey to discover who I am if not my work. It’s about those moments when we find truth in things we’ve heard and known before.
We talk with friends, we read articles and self-help books, we seek counsel from religious advisors, mentors, and therapists. We want advice. We want one-liners and mantras that we can carry with us and pull out when we need them. Sometimes, when we hear these simple truths, we know them to be true but we don’t accept them as our truths.
I know when I’m doing this because I say things like, “That’s fair,” or “True. True,” or “I know you’re right.” I find myself doing this even when I’m open to wanting guidance. Help me. I need to talk. Tell me what to do. But not right now because I’m not really ready to hear it.
We hear these truths all the time.
Work isn’t everything.
Things will work out the way they are supposed to.
It’s not personal; it’s just business.
When it’s right, you’ll know.
They’re just doing the best they can and what they think is right.
Love is never complicated.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
We hear them but we don’t accept them as our own because so often, these statements require change. They require us to make a change in our lives to make them true and if we do, then have we been living a lie up until now?
Of course not. Life is a journey of self-discovery. We find new things about ourselves all the time and we do the best we can with the information we have. “And when we know better, we do better” (Maya Angelou).
But we cannot accept these truths as our own until we have forgiven ourselves for not being perfect and not already living by these rules.
I remember when“They’re just doing the best they can and what they think is right” became real for me. I decided that I was tired of being Angry Ann. I was tired of being ANNoyed and upset about everything and what everyone was doing TO me. I was tired of being the victim and taking everything so personally. For me to reach that point, I had to admit that I wanted to make everyone follow my unenforceable rules. No one was doing anything just to hurt me or upset me. I had to admit that all those times when I was angry, I was really hurt. And being hurt was such a soft, squishy, sentimental, and weak emotion that I loathed having. Coming to this realization and acceptance made me question who I had been my whole life. Was I ever real? Who was I pretending to be? Was I ever honest with myself?
Yes. I was as honest as I could be with who I knew myself to be at the time. I had to learn to forgive myself and then I could be open to accepting new truths. “Forgive yourself.” It was one of the first things I learned to accept into my life and I think it has to start there for everyone.
Forgive yourself the journey. Forgive yourself the missteps. Forgive yourself for not being ready.
When it’s time, it will be profound. Maybe the world won’t stop the way it did for me but maybe it will feel the way Michael Crichton wrote in his autobiography, Travels, about a therapy session:
“I felt amazed. Just as amazed as if he had shown me that I had a third arm coming out of my chest, an arm I had never noticed before. How could I not have noticed this before?”
Keep listening for truth and keep self-reflecting. Listen for the things you want to believe in. You won’t write them down because they won’t move you yet. No need to rush yourself.
Years ago, my ex-boyfriend was having a procedure done and needed an enema. The nurse told him to tell her when he was full. He asked her, “How will I know?” and she said, “Oh, you’ll know.” When it was over, he told me, “She was right. I definitely knew.”
So, it’s kind of like an enema; when you’re ready, you’ll know.
