So It Goes
My life begins (again)
A little over three years ago, I moved to the Austin, TX area. I thought with such a vibrant music scene here, it would be a good place to finally start myself down the road to doing full time photography. What I hadn’t considered was how the market was saturated with photographers, seeing as there are about five universities in the area, each churning out entire classes of photography majors.
Obviously, I had to take other work, as there doesn’t seem to be any money in shooting the live performance scene. One of the jobs I had (the most recent) was with a company that does stagehand work. Load in, load out for concerts around town. It’s physically demanding work, and doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it can be fun and interesting. This story really begins after an overnight gig in Houston. The crew finally got back to Austin at about 5:00 a.m. on November 3, 2013. I picked up my car and gave a coworker a ride home. I live about 20 miles or so outside Austin, so I didn’t actually get back home until 6:30 or so. Tired, I decided that it was going to be a do nothing sort of day. Nothing but sleep, and I was determined to not even get dressed. That’s not quite how the day turned out.
Around 7:00 pm, my housemate texted me and asked me to drive into town and pick some things up for him at Walgreens. I said i would. I got dressed and headed into town. Lockhart is about 15 miles from where we live. I took the back way in, all two lane road and a nice drive. I decided to stop off and see a friend who lived out that way. I had a bite to eat with her, and sat on the front porch, smoking and talking as the sun went down. Being November, it was a nice night out…not too hot, and not at all cold. After visiting for a bit, I figured I’d best get on into town and do what I needed to do. I think I left her place around 8:00, or just before. I do remember a really nice sunset as I left.
I made it into town with no problem. Made the purchases at Walgreens and headed home. I decided to take the long way home, so as to pick up the mail on the way in. It was a nice night for the drive, and I’ve always enjoyed a good drive with good tunes. I made the turn onto the road we live off of, and here’s where things get sideways. The next thing I know, I smell a sweaty dude just to the left of me.
I opened my eyes, and could see that my windshield was all busted up, with an orange light shining through it. I remember thinking that it was way closer to my face than it should be. I heard someone else, off to the right, say something about Starflight. Fade to black. I didn’t have any real idea what had happened, or felt any pain. The next thing I remember is the sensation of cold metal on my left leg, as someone was cutting my pants off. I vaguely recall reaching up and taking someone’s arm, asking them something. Fade to black again.
My next memory, is at the trauma center. I opened my eyes, and saw a tall guy with a camera, who took my picture. I closed my eyes again, and heard someone say something about taking me to the OR to work on my leg. I had a passing thought, wondering if they were going to take my leg off. I still didn’t really understand what had happened, until someone said something about a head on collision. They have some good drugs on those helicopters, I guess.
A day, maybe two days later, I woke up again. The time I spent in ICU and CCU is kind of a patchwork in my mind. I remember a guy helping me get a bath. Sitting on a bench of some sort, with him facing me. He pressed a warm, wet washcloth against my chest, and told me that was mine, to wash the front of myself. We kind of leaned together and he reached around me to wash my back. It felt like a bear hugging me, and it felt good and safe to get cleaned up.
Once I was reasonably conscious, it occurred to me that I should tell someone where I was. In this modern day, technology has eradicated the need to memorize anyone’s phone number. The only two numbers I really knew were for my Mom and Dad. Unfortunately, they both are dead. I wracked my brain for a while, and hit upon the knowledge that one of my housemate’s old friends that I’d become friendly with was an officer for APD. It took a bit to remember his last name. Once I did, I asked the floor nurse to please call him and let him know what had happened, so he could let my housemate know. I don’t have any family down here, and have a few friends. Most days, I don’t really mind being an abstract. This time, it seemed really important that someone know where I was.
At some point, while I was in CCU, my housemate showed up, as well as a couple of other friends that I vaguely remember seeing. A while before all this happened, I’d been doing a bit of car travel, and had left a list of folks to call in case of an emergency with my housemate. He brought the list to the hospital with him, and his phone. Mine had been destroyed in the accident.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for folks having to call strangers and tell them that a loved one is injured, or worse, dead. Still in a bit of a fog, I made those calls, and let those people close to me know what I knew: I’d been in a bad accident, was hospitalized, and that I love them.
The last week in the hospital is the clearest. Unpleasant as the circumstances were, I had nothing short of exceptional care. The folks I dealt with there have got to be some of the most compassionate human beings I have ever come in contact with.
According to the police report, they believe the guy who hit me was texting. He crossed the center line and hit me head on.
This is what’s left of my car. I am, indeed, a very fortunate guy.
Injuries:
Broken bones above and below the right eye. These breaks required additional surgery to repair.
Broken nose
Broken rib
Cut on right elbow, deep scrape along forearm. Stitches for the elbow, and a nice scar for the forearm.
Broken femur, right leg. On the x-rays, it appears the bone splintered above the knee, into 3-4 pieces. This was repaired by putting the pieces back in place and screwing a large plate along the bone, to secure the pieces.
Trashed my teeth. Insurance money will eventually replace these.
I apparently suffered a concussion, based on being unconscious immediately following the impact. I have noticed some brain function issues, mostly around language and memory. The language is coming back, bit by bit, but it is entirely frustrating to know the words I want to say and being unable to get them from my head to my mouth.
Prognosis:
I still have some numbness in my face and nose. The docs say it’ll be upwards of a year for that to settle, and for the nerves to regenerate. I can feel my face, but it can’t feel me. Really strange sensation. The rib seems mostly healed, unless I sneeze really hard. The cuts and abrasions have all healed, leaving me with storied scars.
The leg is healing. I have a lot of physical therapy to go through yet, and I’ve been given a one year heal time on it. The doc says the leg will heal shorter than the other one. Depending on how the healing is going, there may need to be another surgery, to do a bone graft from my hip. If everything goes south, he says they’ll amputate. I think that might be a scare tactic, to get me to do what I need to do. I certainly hope so.
The things I’ve not touched on here (and are the main point)are the mental and emotional impact of this whole thing. So, let’s dig a little deeper. I’ll cut and paste an email I sent to a friend first. Then I’ll add a bit more.
had my appt with the orthopod in temple this morning. not a happy making visit. he said this is a particular nasty break. apparently, all the bone pieces aren’t exactly where they should be. he said the trauma folks did a good job fixing it, and some things don’t end up perfect. fair enough.
i’m on crutches or the walker, no weight bearing (oops on the party tricks), for 2-4 months longer. i will start PT on the 21st, and it’ll be range of motion only. this is so different than when i had my knee rebuilt, and that’s my comparison in regards to ability, as well as how hard (and in what direction) i can push myself. obviously not a good plan of action. he said to expect 1 yr healing time. fuck. really? said i would very likely have shortening in the leg. call me eileen.
if things aren’t healing well, they said there is a possibility of another surgery, to do a bone graft from my hip. i find the idea of surgery again really off putting. the thought of it makes me feel really anxious…i worry i’ll die while i’m under. it’s similar to a claustrophobic feeling. not pleasant.
worst case scenario: amputation. what. the. fuck??? intellectually, i understand some major things need to go south for this to happen. still. to hear that, to take it from the abstract to the concrete in relation to my own body? whoa. then the “fuck you” part of my brain kicks in. i am not gonna let that happen.
my emotions are all over the place. scared, frustrated, hobbled, angry, tired, impatient. earlier, i just wanted to throw a pity party for one. i took a very long nap instead. honestly, i’m mad because i don’t think this should be a part of my life. it’s not fair, and i’m pissed the fuck off. i need to figure out how i can make shooting a workable proposition. not sure how i can manage to shoot shows. i generally move around quite a bit, and that’s gonna suck to try to do on crutches. i suppose i can try some seated photography. it’ll definitely be a new perspective for me. who knows? could give me a new look to the work. just need to work out the logistics of it all.
the up side to today is that i asked how soon i could drive again. he said there’s no medical reason why i can’t. so, that was good news. i really, really dislike the loss of independence. i’m gonna have to sell the motorcycle. i can’t see letting it just sit for a year or so. and, if i’m gonna have a shortened leg, it just won’t work for riding. so, that’s just it. thinking they’ll settle on the car this month. they offered about 2.5 times what i paid for it, so i said yes. looks like i’ll get the full amount on the car, no lawyer percentage. i know having my mobility (and freedom) back will help with my attitude. realizable, short term goal. i’ll take it.
i don’t feel like i’m being productive. yeah, i know. still feel that way. been trying to pick up my room, reorganize…that’s more than challenging. it takes me about half an hour to iron two shirts. getting them to the closet is interesting. what a pain in the ass.
i feel lost, mostly. i’m not very interested in working on photos i’ve shot already, but have some ideas for things i want to shoot. without a vehicle, i’m mostly homebound. which i hate. i’ve got a gypsy soul and it needs road time. soon, i’ll be able to feed that need.
i’ve got so much going on inside, with around about this accident. my entire world has been shifted drastically, and i’m having problems figuring out the adaptations i need to make. i’m tired a lot of the time. i’m restless. i’m scared (terrified sometimes). i’m sad, angry, frustrated. i feel hobbled in my life right now. i’m a fucking mess is what i am. i try very hard to keep an upbeat attitude, but sometimes it’s too much. and it’s not completely honest. i feel all this other shit churning around, and try to put a good face on things for others. i am making an effort to allow people more into my world. if for no other reason, then to help lighten this load. i can’t carry all of it by myself all the time.
My anger at the other driver is lessening, for the most part. I do get angry when the insurance companies are being a shit about all this. I really just went out to get some things for a friend. Almost home (I can stand on the front porch and see where it happened), and my life is suddenly something totally different than what I was living.
When I settle down, I consider how very fortunate I am to be here to even write about it. I have been on the receiving end of such an outpouring of love, compassion, and generosity that it’s staggering. Well wishes, offers to spend time with me while I’m laid up, even a benefit show put on by performers I’ve worked with…and even a few I haven’t. It has been an amazing and humbling experience, overall. I am no longer laboring under the impression that my life is infinite, and won’t, can’t, end until I’m done with all my plans. It turns on a dime, and that’s no joke.
I’ve been trying to use this down time to reconsider my professional track. I may not be able to make a living shooting live performance. While it’s disappointing, it doesn’t mean that I can’t make my living with photography. I just need to see new ways to do it, perhaps a new location. I still have months of healing ahead, and I do feel a bit more whole each day, and I don’t need to etch anything in stone right this minute.
I’m taking the time to enjoy the feel of the sun on my face, the comfort of a ride in the country, the fullness of loving and being loved by good people with big hearts. I suspect that in the end, I’ll have gained so much more than I lost. Each day, I am offered another opportunity to choose the life I want to live. I can be angry, bitter, feeling victimized. Or, I can choose to let go those feelings and be grateful and loving. I choose not to allow a random occurance to take the joy from the rest of my life. I’m fairly certain that I am up to the new challenges before me, and that I can make my life a happy place, filled with wonder and appreciation. I am grateful.
