Spiritualese In Plain English
One of things that still baffles me as recovering evangelical, is the ease with which I was previously able to step around difficult questions. When the mind really wants (or needs) to believe something, it will, and can perform all the necessarily philosophical gymnastics to do so.
Religious ideologies survive for millennia because they are self-defending. The Bible is full of stories where God’s chosen are rewarded for sticking to to their beliefs in the face of scrutiny and mockery. When the devout believer finds themselves in such a situation, their first line of defence is to draw on those stories for the inspiration. Ask a Christian how they can believe in the incredible story of Noah, and they’ll likely remind themselves how no-one believed Noah… until they all drowned!
The second line of defence the believer has at their disposal is spiritualese. Understood only by the faithful, this language comforts and reassures the believer with temptingly simple answers to hard questions. It works though by not actually addressing the question, and instead appealing to emotion and the believer’s preference for simplicity over reality.
What follows here is my best attempt to translate some common spiritualese for the benefit of those who are not, nor have ever been, religious. There’s nothing below which I didn’t say or think myself once upon a time.
Please stop reading here if you are easily offended. No seriously stop. You’ve been warned.
If the reader is inclined to read out loud, then for the sake of authenticity, the spiritualese parts should be spoken with confidence and a concerned smile. Let’s jump in the deep end…
Question: Why do children sometimes get brain cancer?
Spiritualese: It’s all part of God’s plan — we just have to trust him.
Translation: I have literally no idea, so I’m going to stop thinking about it now. I’m also going to pretend like not thinking is a virtuous quality called trust.
Spiritualese: This world is fallen and because of our sin, bad things happen, and this makes God really sad.
Translation: I’ll concede that life basically happens as if there were no higher power in control. However, the most obvious conclusion from that is frightening so let’s agree that there is some mysterious reason why God’s hands are tied… even though he’s all powerful.
Question: How does Jesus being murdered atone for my sins?
Spiritualese: In the Old Testament God commanded people to sacrifice animals for their sins — Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice!
Translation: This old book says that God needs animals to die when you do bad things. That doesn’t make any sense, but don’t go there. Perhaps killing Jesus is a billion times worse than killing some goats, so it atones for a billion more sins?
Question: In the Old Testament, why does God sometimes command his followers to commit genocide?
Spiritualese: God needed his people to be holy and not led astray by the heathen tribes. God is very holy.
Translation: I am totally oblivious to how much I sound like a member of al-Qaeda or IS justifying the massacre of infidels. Anyway, I mostly try to stick to the nice sounding Bible passages about Jesus and angels.
Question: Why don’t miracles still happen today?
Spiritualese: They do! Last month there was this lady in my church who had a sore foot, and we prayed, and next week she didn’t have a sore foot.
Translation: Our Church’s Healing Ministry was under some pressure to show results, and we all felt that this could have been a miracle rather than plain coincidence.
Question: Why doesn’t God just show himself to the world?
Spiritualese: You must have faith. Faith means accepting something that can’t be seen or proven.
Translation: Yes I know that generally when people believe in things with zero evidence we question their intelligence — but my religion is completely different. We call it faith and you get into Heaven if you have enough of it. It’s sort of like how Santa only comes if you believe in him.
Question: Why doesn’t God answer my prayers?
Spiritualese: God wants to build your faith. He is leading you through the desert.
Translation: You better get used to the desert or start praying for things that might happen anyway. I prayed for my team to win the other day and they did.
Spiritualese: Perhaps there is some sin in your life that you must deal with first.
Translation: I don’t know why God doesn’t fix your problems but it’s definitely your fault, because God is definitely real.
Question: Do you believe in evolution?
Spiritualese: Yes… but God directed it to make us in his image. He can do anything.
Translation: I don’t want to sound like a silly creationist but I also don’t read a lot of science books. I certainly don’t understand what an “inherently unguided process” is.
Question: Why is homosexuality wrong?
Spiritualese: God created sex for procreation and Jesus can heal homosexuals and bring them freedom.
Translation: I feel threatened by the complexities of human sexuality. I get all I need to know from a book that says rape victims should be sold to their rapists for fifty shekels [1].
Question: Do good people who aren’t Christian get into heaven?
Spiritualese: Salvation is only possible through our Lord Jesus.
Translation: Like pretty much every single religion ever created, mine says we’re the chosen few. But unlike all those others, we’re right.
Spiritualese: God knows people’s hearts and we can trust his judgement.
Translation: Ok ok… God would have to be pretty awful to not let people into Heaven just because they were born in the wrong country. However, that would mean that there’s little point to our incessant efforts to convert everyone… uh.
