Closing a Chapter
I used to love moving onto the next thing. I looked forward to new adventures and new chapters in life. They were exciting and full of possibilities. But, ever since the loss of my sister, I’ve started to have a little more resistance to moving onto new things.
Growing up, we moved around a lot. I never had just one childhood home. Instead, there were several houses that contain the memories of my childhood — from learning to ride a bike in the inner city, to playing volleyball in the suburbs. This meant that I never grew too attached to one home, city or place. I knew that these were places that I loved, yet they were temporary. However our most recent family home has been really special to me as it holds all of my final memories with my sister, and was the last house that I lived in with my parents before moving out.
Going home on visits has allowed to me feel like there is still a piece of my sister, Liz, here. As I would walk into our shared bedroom and see everything just how we had left it, I was able to remember her. Our trophies from sports, pictures from high school, favorite books and CD’s we reminders to me of what we once shared. This room brings back a wave of memories and moments with just the two of us in our bedroom that now feels sacred. Whether it be fighting because she wanted to keep a bright light on while we slept, or laughing as we made shadow puppets on the ceiling, or even deep talks about God and our personal struggles, our bedroom encapsulates a lot of our sisterly relationship as we grew into our own people.
This weekend when I went home to help re-paint and clean out my room, it brought a wave of grief with it that I wasn’t quite expecting. As my parents prepare to move and sell our home, I’m realizing that a chapter is ending. Soon there would be no bedroom full of memories and reminders of my sister. The last home that was filled with her laugher, sarcastic comments, sounds of her screaming at the refs during basketball games, and shared meals together will be gone.
As I drove back to Ohio after the weekend, I realized my heart was grieving. Not because my parents were moving, but because it was more than just a house to me. It was a place filled with my sister and shared memories with her. I’ll miss having a physical space to come back to that reminds me of Liz — a place that was filled with so much of who she was.
My sister was more than just memories in a home, she left a lasting legacy and impact on my heart.
Although it feels hard, I know that it doesn’t mean I will lose those things. Instead, it means I have to carry them in my heart and learn to create new ways of having space for my sister as I hold onto her memories. It’s okay to be sad about this chapter closing. I know it doesn’t mean I’m losing more of her, it just forces me to find ways beyond a physical space to carry on her legacy into the future. My sister was more than just memories in a home, she left a lasting legacy and impact on my heart. I am honored that I get to continue that on as I walk through new chapters of my life.
Follow Life After Loss for more stories on grief
Find us on Instagram at lifeafter.loss
