You Can Be Both Happy And Sad
On Thanksgiving morning each year I would wake up late, walk downstairs, and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with my mom and the rest of America. Oftentimes, she was already on the phone with my grandma by the time I wondered downstairs. They talked while they cooked, and then my grandmother would make her way to our house to eat. Every Thanksgiving was the same in our house.
In 2013, our Thanksgiving looked a little different. My grandma came over early and the two of us cooked dinner for the family. My mom was asleep in the other room recovering from her recent surgery. After we ate, I went to my cousin’s house for more food. Before I left, my mom told me she loved me.
That was the last time I would ever hear her say that.
The seven Thanksgivings that I have had since she died have been hard. For me, this day has always served as a reminder of the last time I ever saw her. With my grief so closely associated with this holiday, it is unavoidable for me to feel heavy as it draws near.
2020 has been a very difficult year for everyone. I think every grieving person has felt their loss a little more deeply. And so many new people are entering into grief for the very first time. I often find myself wondering what my mom would think of all of this if she were still here today.
In the midst of the pandemic, my husband and I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving just the two of us in our apartment. We woke up early today to begin cooking our very first Thanksgiving meal as a married couple, knowing we wouldn’t have family to share our food with this year. We watched the Macy’s Parade and sipped our coffee. Although nothing feels normal in 2020, this morning felt right.
As Thursday drew closer and closer, I found myself feeling more happy and even a little excited. Happy and excited are not often emotions that I associate with Thanksgiving. But, I felt ready to celebrate a day that reminds me all of the things I have in my life to be grateful for. I even found myself dancing around in my kitchen as I prepped my apple pie.
This year is a reminder to me that in grief, you get to feel both happy and sad.
Moments of sadness will also accompany moments of happiness. Feeling both happy and sad is okay in grief.
I will probably always feel a little sad about Thanksgiving. It will always be the last day I got to spend with my mom. While I know that I will not spend another Thanksgiving with my mom, I get to feel happy about the people I do get to share this day with. For that, I am thankful.
