Why I Don’t Want to Survive Retirement
Traci Morena
Recently, a former colleague paid a friendly visit to the high school where I teach. I ran into him on my way to class and asked how he was enjoying retirement, fully expecting to hear, “It’s great! I should’ve done this sooner!” Instead, he surprised me by sighing wearily, as if he’d been trudging uphill with a heavy load of kindling strapped to his back before laying down his burden, and declared with downcast eyes and a doleful nod of his head, “I’m surviving retirement.”
Awkward! I thought. “Well, I’m sure you’ll find your way,” I offered in a feeble attempt at reassurance before dashing off to class.
Despite its brevity, the exchange stuck with me, and now that I’m planning on retiring after 30 years in the classroom, I find myself wondering about his answer. Plane crashes, famines, and shark attacks seem like events we’d consider ourselves lucky to survive. But retirement? Don’t we want to spend the final third of our lives doing more than checking our pulses?
Perhaps he was simply conscious of his audience and didn’t want to gloat. Or maybe he wanted to appear noble, a person so devoted to his former profession that he felt the pangs of his working life the way one jabs his tongue into the void left by a loose tooth, savoring the soreness. Or maybe he really meant it and felt adrift in a sea of too many possibilities. Next to wanting more financial security, most people I speak with tell me they are reluctant to retire because a life without work frightens them.
Change is scary, so with that in mind, I gathered advice from retirees on how to navigate the early stages of retirement without fear or regret.
The honeymoon phase will end — eventually. In the days immediately following your retirement party, you’re likely to feel euphoric. Every night is Friday night! Every day is Saturday! At first, you revel in the idea that you have no routine and can do as much or as little as you please. But then, the lack of routine becomes routine, and you may find yourself craving more structure. “When cocktail hour started at four, then three, and our only plans were where to dine that evening, we realized it was time to make a change,” says Lydia, a former bank manager* who has been retired for over ten years. Both she and her husband are avid readers, plowing through a combined total of 10–20 books a week. They devote their mornings to reading two different books — one classic and one bestseller — and then she spends time with her grandchildren for a few hours each afternoon while her husband goes for a long run before joining her. They also make sure to schedule mini getaways every six weeks, often returning to inns and historic locales they love. They take three cruises a year. “Always having a vacation on the calendar gives us something to plan for and look forward to,” she says. Another friend, who lamented never having enough time to exercise when working, relished the idea of spending his retirement at the gym and yoga studio. “After a while, I realized that I needed to engage my body and mind.” Now he works as a freelance consultant in computer programming, which gives him the best of both worlds. Volunteering, taking classes, making time for hobbies, or working part-time are other options to consider once the novelty of your boundless freedom erodes.
It might be better to fade away. With all due respect to Def Leppard, some people just aren’t ready to depart in a fiery blaze. Depending on your line of work, it may be possible to scale back and give retirement a trial run. Tom, a former English teacher and cross-country coach, stopped teaching but continued coaching for three more years. Since the season ends before the holidays, he still had eight months to travel and pursue leisure activities. “When I started to resent having to stop what I was doing to get to the track by three,” he says, “I knew it was time to move on.” Another found a part-time teaching position just over the state line, allowing him to collect his pension and a part time salary. “Because I wasn’t dependent on the job or the money, I got to focus on those aspects that drew me to the profession in the first place: the kids, the colleagues, and the content. The rest didn’t bother me the way it did when I was running a whole department.” He taught an additional five years before striding confidently into retirement.
Establish boundaries with children and grandchildren. Many people look forward to spending more time with family, particularly grandchildren. While grandchildren are adorable, they are also exhausting. People in their late 20s and early 30s have the stamina and patience to weather teething infants and temper tantrums, and later, the daily grind of chauffeuring older children to soccer practice and piano lessons. Those of us in our 50s, 60s, and 70s may not have the energy, despite wanting to help grown children navigate their busy lives. Be realistic about what you can handle and communicate your intentions early and clearly. Maryanne, an active octogenarian and adjunct at a local college, declares. “I love my grandsons, but I was never on call to babysit. I was always too busy enjoying my life!” Another couple I know initially offered to watch their grandchildren for three hours each afternoon, but the schedule quickly proved too exhausting. They scaled back by splitting the time with their son-in-law’s mother, allowing them to help without feeling worn out or resentful.
Find new ways to define yourself. For the first two decades of my career, I labeled myself as a teacher, first and foremost. What we do often contributes substantially to who we are and how we see ourselves, but our jobs are just one component in a complex network of roles we play. We are partners, friends, children, and parents. We are photographers, writers, musicians, hikers, cyclists, yogis, and cooks. For me, the shift from defining myself exclusively by my work happened gradually. About ten years ago, I began to consider myself more fully and realized that the boundaries between the personal and professional were fluid and symbiotic. My yoga practice, for instance, has made me more patient and calm in heated situations with dysregulated students and aggressive parents, while my years of experience in the classroom have taught me how to communicate clearly and think on my feet. As we look toward a future that doesn’t include going to work every day, it’s important to remind ourselves that we still have value. By repurposing skills acquired from decades on the job, we can benefit others, and in turn, ourselves.
“I don’t know” is a valid answer. Perhaps because American culture is so work-oriented, we pride ourselves on being industrious. Therefore, it’s not surprising that we view a jam-packed schedule as the metric for a successful retirement. I have made no secret of the fact that I intend to retire in June, and many of my colleagues have asked me what I’m going to do. The truth is, I don’t know. Sure, my husband and I have some short-term plans, like putting our house on the market and relocating, but beyond that the future is nebulous. We’d like to travel and volunteer, maybe take up a new hobby or resurrect old ones, but there are no definite plans. Initially, I worried I was being dismissive, or worse, irresponsible. After working for most of my life, would I regret not mapping my future more assiduously? Would loneliness and boredom be my penance for failing to program my days with meaningful activities? After speaking with retired friends and colleagues, I realized that my approach (or lack thereof) is not haphazard but healthy. Margaret Greenberg of the Greenberg Group, an executive coaching practice in Andover, Massachusetts, encourages her clients to “discover what’s in the boredom,” the first step towards leading more fulfilled lives (Greenlee). “Boredom is not an obstacle to overcome; it is a cascade of questions to be answered,” she tells Hartford Courant columnist Gina Greenlee. So now when people ask me what I plan on doing in retirement and then wait for me to dazzle them with an extensive list of carefully curated activities, I just tell them I don’t know but look forward to exploring the possibilities.
I hope my former colleague ultimately found fulfillment in retirement because the truth is, nobody survives it (or anything else, for that matter). Furthermore, there are as many “right” ways to approach retirement as there are retirees. The trick is finding a formula that works for you so that you not only survive but also thrive for as long as you can.
*Names and superficial details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals mentioned in this article.
Works Cited
Greenlee, G. (2003, May 27). “Put Your Boredom to Good Use”: [Statewide Edition]. Hartford Courant Retrieved from https://www.proquest.com/newspapers/put-your-boredom-good-use/docview/256703110/se-2. Accessed 19 September 2022.
