I was mad at God.
When life leaves you confused and overwhelmed
Growing up in a third world country, I was very fortunate to have never gone a day without all the necessary things such as food, water, clothing, etc. My sister and I grew up in our grandmother’s house, with our close relatives, our aunts, uncles, and cousins.
My grandmother was a farmer, and her farm was in the countryside. I had a pretty good life compared to many of my friends who lived in our neighborhood. As a little girl, going to church was a big part of my life; being part of the girl’s singing group, going to multiple field trips and mission trips was quite common for my sister and me. So, the concept of God was very typical to me, even though the practice of satanism heavily influences my culture and traditions.
My father died when I was four years old, a murder case that never got solved. My father’s family disapproved of my mother, and when he died, they took everything from my mother, hence why my mother had to go live with my grandmother. Somehow, I grew up to long for a father figure in my life.
At school, I would remember seeing my friends’ fathers come for pick up, or when I went to boarding school, the girls in my room would have date nights with their fathers on the weekend, and I would feel so lonely and envious of that. So, as I grew older, I started to wonder why God had allowed my father to die at such an early age of twenty-four and why my mother had to struggle day in and out to take care of us? I went to church because it was a refreshment from my home environment and because I did not choose.
My resentment and bitterness continue to grow toward God. We did not have a close or personal relationship, and it was more of the king of relationship you would have with a distant uncle; the kind that says, “I know of you; I am supposed to trust you, but things are weird and seem too complicated for me to understand…”
Anyway, I knew what believing and practicing satanism was because I saw it daily. Yet, no matter how angry, confused, bitter, and ignorant, I was with God, somehow, I could never shake the idea that being on God’s side was in my best interest.
The questions did not stop flooding my thoughts; problems such as:
- Why was I born in a third world country?
- Why couldn’t my mom find a man that would care for her and us girls?
- Why did I have to witness gruesome crimes, injustice, abuse, and pure evil?
- Why was I not accepted into my favorite school?
- Why wasn’t I born in England, France, Spain, or the United States?
- Why was my hair texture so hard to manage, and why did I not have smooth, silky, and bouncy hair like the girls I watched in the “Telenovelas”?
- Why, Why, Why???
I did not hate the concept of God being omniscient and omnipresent, I was just annoyed and frustrated at what He allowed in my life. And although these questions might sound silly now, back then, they were bulky and confusing questions that resided in my thoughts regularly.
So as I mentioned previously, in all of my bitterness and confusion, I was sure of at least two things:
- No matter how hard, confusing, and lost I got in my search to understand who God was in life and my own life, I would somehow hang around with Him.
- I knew for sure that I would never take side with the devil, (one of the things I am genuinely grateful for is that at an early age, I had a clear understanding of the fact that our heart is NEVER “neutral.” Having first-hand experience and witness with Satanism’s practice, I knew that we are either with and for God or we are with and for Satan (the devil). No room for neutralism.), then that meant I would have to find out about God. Who He was and is, what the Bible teaches, and how I relate to Jesus His Son in my everyday life.
Going and being at church does not necessarily mean you know God and have a close and intimate relationship with His Son. One summer during revival week at church, I asked Jesus to come into my life and forgive my sins and be my savior. You see, I’ve always known I was not perfect and that I had many flaws, so I got the concept of asking God to rescue me from myself very quickly as a child. Yet, as I grew older, I would draw away from the idea of having a relationship with Jesus and being accountable to God.
But no matter how far I have gone or how lost and frustrated I was, I would always find my way back to God, whether by crawling or running. By the age of nineteen, I decided that I had enough of whatever it was that I was trying to do, which was not working for me, and at that point, I had gotten myself into all sorts of unhealthy habits and bondage.
I remember being on a public bus crying because I did not have enough money to pay for my last school payment, and that meant I would not be able to take part in the national exam and get my diploma. (long story, another time). I was angry at myself, at the world, and God. And right there in the public bus crying and having people stare at me, I remembered a verse from the book of Jeremiah, “You will seek and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13. NIV
So at that moment, through my tears, I silently made a deal with God. I said: “Okay, God, fine. No more one foot in and one foot out. No more piggybacking on other people’s faith, second-guessing your word. From now on, I will truly and sincerely seek you out to the best of my ability, and I will stand on your promise in Jeremiah, and If you do not reveal yourself to me, and if I don’t find you, then I will be done with you for good.” Once I finished talking and settling things with God, and I stop crying.
From that day forward, I can honestly say that God took my offer. I have yet to be disappointed in choosing to seek Him and serve Him. Now, when I stop and think about who I am and how I relate to God and who Jesus is to me, I honestly cannot imagine my life without Jesus. This verse is indeed true concerning my life: “In Him, we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28. NIV
God has been faithful, patient, merciful, and gracious to me throughout my journey of walking with Him. Yes, I still have times of hardships and frustrations, times where I have no idea what God is doing in my life or where He is leading me. I will never arrive at the point of total understanding or total perfection in my walk and fellowship with Jesus, that is for life after.
But, until God calls me home, I will cling to Jesus, my Savior, and Redeemer. And with his strength, I will accomplish all He planned for me to do, and much more.
“Looking unto Jesus, the author, and finisher of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2.NIV
Krysty is a Faith-based Certified Life and Parent, with ten years experienced working with families. You can contact her:livingasawhole@gmail.com
