Go/No Go Cheat Sheet Before Tying The Knot: Lessons learned from 8 years of marriage.
What made me decided to tie the knot 8 years ago, to someone whom I’ve only known for less than a year – and how that ended up being the best possible scenario.
Last week, my husband and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and that got me looking back at what happened 8 years ago.
I got married at 27. A few years younger than I thought I would’ve tied the knot. Before my husband and I met, we both just got out of quite painful break-ups. In fact, I actually had set out just looking for a rebound guy, no expectations whatsoever, but it looks like life has something else in store for the both of us.
My husband and I were introduced in April 2007 through a couple of mutual friends, he proposed somewhere in January 2008, we officially got engaged (big family meet-up and all) in March , and we got married in May later that same year. Amongst the happy responses, there were some negative ones. Some thought we decided too quickly, that I was chasing a deadline (of course it has to be the WOMAN who has a time frame on marriage), I should’ve spent more time getting to know my groom-to-be, bla-bla-bla.
Obviously I didn’t take the negative feedbacks seriously. I mean, I knew these people were probably just trying to look out for me — but I was already firm on my decision. I’ve had my shares of relationships, both good and bad, and I’ve learnt enough lessons to know what I want in my future life partner. Mixed that with two top-notch advices I got from my life mentors, and I think these simple guidelines can help you decide whether it’s a go or no go for “I do” — just like they did for me.
Pick three must-haves. No more.
We all have this ideal, perfect person in mind when we think about whom we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with. Well, I have news for you: nobody in real life is perfect, including you, so unless you can transform into a princess and marry some prince charming in the Disney movies — stop waiting for the perfect one to come, and start being “realistic” instead.
Of course we can still have a set of criteria for our future spouse. But let’s face it, sometimes we dwell too much on this that we end up having a loooong checklist that can only be fulfilled by your favourite movie character. Following the wise words of Lici Imansyah, one of my first bosses: limit the checkbox to just three items. Pick the top three things your future husband/wife must have, and after those three are met, you compromise on the rest.
These three things have to be really specific and cannot be normative. For instance, you can’t say things like: the person has to be nice. Who the hell wants to be married to an evil person? You might think this is easy, but it’s actually not — it’s quite difficult to limit what you want to just three things. That’s why this will help in the filtering process, because this step makes you really think about what is important for you. I’ll say it again, for you. Don’t think about any other person as you are drafting the list. Because what matters to you may not matter to other people, and vice versa.
When things get a little bit patchy, always look back to these three things. If you can still see the same qualities, then you know the most important things are still there; and that should be all that matters.
Don’t go looking for problems; they will come to you anyway.
My best friend’s father gave me this advice when I was still involved in a “problematic” relationship. I don’t think he knew about my boyfriend at the time — but perhaps he was just being his usual wise self.
He said, “Desy, whether you like it or not — marriage always has its problems. Problems in a marriage, be it small or big, is inevitable. So knowing this, don’t go into a marriage already with problems/conflicts in your hands. You already know that there will be glitches later on, so why would you even get a head start on that before?”
Now, having passed quite a few years of marriage, I am extremely grateful for having passed those years with relatively no massive drama. Of course there are still a little bit of drama here and there (when the wife is a drama queen, zero drama is a highly unlikely situation. Haha.) — but thankfully they are just very brief hiccups. If I had gone through with my previous relationships, I seriously think all the shenanigans will just be too hard to handle.
Agree on the destination.
I sometimes get asked by the young Padawans, what if I have nothing in common with the other person? Will it work? And my answer is always the same, sometimes it’s not about who you are right now, but who you want to be in the future — together. You can be exactly the same two people, interested in the exact same things, but you want very different things in the future. And the other way around. Which is why this destination thing is something you have to discuss early on.
I have a friend who just had said discussion after her boyfriend’s family came to her parents’ house to ask for her hand in marriage (and said yes, obviously). A while later they broke off the engagement, and when I asked her why — she said, “His vision of the future puts me in a place I never see myself in”. I guess that worked out for the best, although probably it will help if the conversation had been done earlier.
Oh, in case you’re thinking you can change your partner’s mind/behavior/whatever after you’re married, forget it. Don’t go into a marriage thinking you can change your spouse. Why would you be married in the first place if what you want was something other than what that person was?
Believe, listen, and let go.
Always believe that you deserve the best — because we accept the love we think we deserve. And we’re certainly not going to end up with the best person if we think otherwise.
When things are getting confusing or complicated, listen to your heart — because the heart is never wrong. You can try making sense of things with your head, but you know the heart already has the answer all along. Now that I think about it, all my bad relationships all happened and/or lasted longer than it should either because I didn’t think I deserve any better, or because I waited too long to do what the heart said.
Most importantly, just let go of all expectations — you’d be surprised of how not trying to control outcomes will actually bring you the best possible scenario. I’ll testify for that myself :)
This article originally appeared on www.dessey.me
