Pride In Our Work: Being Out and Open in the Workplace

Our coworkers contain multitudes. At work, someone can be a parent, a programmer, and a baker who’s really, really proud of the scones they made — all in the span of a few hours. However, some identities are easier to hold publicly than others. Bringing an LGBTQ+ identity to work can be an important part of feeling safe and affirmed there, but it’s not always simple and straightforward.

To get a better sense of what being out at work is like at OpenTable/KAYAK, we talked to a few coworkers about what coming out means to them, what being out at the workplace is like, and what we all can do to be better allies to the LGBTQ+ community.

On Coming Out

Steve, an Account Executive Team Lead at OpenTable who uses he/him pronouns, explains coming out as “a highly personal process to navigate, shuffling your own feelings, understanding the implications of what you will ‘reveal’, hoping you will be accepted, and valuing your sexual identity.” Cisgender (identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth) and heterosexual people are still considered “default”, and identifying yourself as someone who exists outside that norm can be uncomfortable and scary. Steve continues, “I didn’t come out until I was in my mid-twenties, for me there was always a fear of rejection when I had to disclose my sexuality. I have changed how I feel about it over time; I used to carry some anxiety about other people’s perception, nowadays it is more about removing any awkwardness in social situations.”

The support of friends and family can be key in making coming out comfortable. Matt, a District Manager at OpenTable who uses he/him pronouns, says, “I came out of the closet when I was 13, and I am forever grateful that I was privileged enough to do so safely and comfortably, with the support of my family and friends.” Seeing other people who are out can also be helpful when someone is gauging whether an environment is a safe one to be out in.

Trevor, a graphics designer at KAYAK who uses he/him pronouns, affirms the power of seeing other out LGBTQ+ people at a time when he “wore a lot of costumes” to feel safe in different contexts.

Others may not have that built-in support, however; for that reason, other out LGBTQ+ folks can help others simply by existing visibly as LGBTQ+ people.

Being out in the workplace

We spend a large fraction of our waking hours at work, and hiding or talking past an LGBTQ+ identity can be exhausting. At the same time, though, coming out in the workplace can be a fraught process. Trevor says, “as progressive as the workplace has gotten, it’s hard to describe the intimidation of entering a corporate space as a gay person. You want to feel pride in your queerness, but you don’t want to feel othered.” River, a Senior Product Designer at OpenTable who uses he/him pronouns, was initially scared to come out, and was worried it wasn’t the right time. He says, however, “the rewarding thing was that my team was more supportive than I imagined, and just being called my name and pronoun made me feel so much better at work.”

Jason, a Senior Software Engineer at KAYAK who uses he/him pronouns, wasn’t sure where or how to express his identity when he first joined the OpenTable/KAYAK team. For him, the 2015 U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage was a watershed moment. He says, “…I remember feeling excited but also a bit unsure about how and where I could share my excitement. On that day, the KAYAK UI Team added a rainbow heart to the homepage. It was a very small gesture, but it was the first time I felt some level of company-wide acceptance and acknowledgement of queer identities, of my identity.” Jason then went on to pave the way for marches at Pride parades, Pride-themed social hours, and the official LGBTQ+ ERG (Employee Resource Group) that backed the writing of this blog post.

Coworkers can be wonderful sources of support and affirmation; Matt explained his positive experience at OpenTable, saying that “I have never experienced anything short of full wholehearted support … at OpenTable; my team even bought me a wedding gift when I married my husband!” River says, “I’m really lucky that I have a great team and manager who was very welcoming and positive about my transition, and helped communicate my transition to the rest of the teams. It made a huge difference.”

Sometimes learning and practice is required — and that’s perfectly fine! Nobody can know everything, and a willingness to learn is a key part of an inclusive workplace culture. Miko, a Mobile Web Developer at KAYAK who uses they/them pronouns, says, “I came out to my manager, and then in our regularly scheduled team meeting, told my team I was non-binary and gave a brief explanation of what that meant. For probably all of them, it was their first time knowing someone non-binary. I really appreciate them and how much effort they went through to correctly gender me consistently. I’ll admit, I was really nervous about the whole thing, but am so glad I went through with it.”

Looking Forward

There are many concrete steps companies can take to make being out at work more safe and comfortable. Companies can sponsor employee resource groups to give employees a space that affirms and elevates their LGBTQ+ identities. Adding LGBTQ+-friendly benefits (and making employees aware they exist) is a helpful way to explicitly support LGBTQ+ employees.

Companies can also help by creating and providing educational materials and facilitating discussion, and encouraging employees to make simple changes, like adding their pronouns to places like email signatures, Slack profiles, and LinkedIn pages. The OpenTable/KAYAK LGBTQ+ ERG recently introduced a successful campaign educating coworkers on the importance of pronouns; we were very excited to see our CEO, Steve Hafner, add his pronouns to his internal Wiki page!

It’s important to realize that we’re still not living in a world that’s entirely safe for all LGBTQ+ people to be out. Steve says that when he works with outside customers, he has occasionally “found myself having to tiptoe around questions, for example, when I discover a customer has strong religious beliefs about homosexuality or have to navigate assumptions that I have a wife and kids at home.” He also mentions that it’s important to “be mindful of external factors when talking to someone about their coming out journey.” If someone confides in you about their LGBTQ+ identity, make sure you don’t make their identity public before they’re ready. River reminds us that “you can support them in private, but make sure not to accidentally out them in front of other people who may not know.”

Individuals can make a big difference in making their workplaces a safe place for LGBTQ+ coworkers to be out by doing the following:

• Avoid assuming gender; greetings like “Hey folks!” are better than “Hey guys!” in making everyone feel included.
• Similarly, offering your pronouns in introductions normalizes doing so and may make LGBTQ+ people feel comfortable sharing theirs.
• Education and compassion are key

Miko mentions that, for allies, “Educating yourself is probably by far the best thing you can do. Learn more about different queer identities, consume more queer-driven media, and listen to issues we face on a personal and societal level. All these things will better equip you to support any queer person in your life.”

And finally, remember that at the end of the day, LGBTQ+ folks are just regular people. When he was first getting to know his coworkers, Trevor says, “I was relieved that no one asked for my queer category, and no one mentioned their Other Gay Friends. I was instead allowed to be the guy from Chicago who was making the videos.” We don’t need to be solely defined by our LGBTQ+ identities, although those are important parts of who we are. Matt puts it best here: “When you strip away the labels we associate with our identity, the things we own, our clothes and habits — we are all just human in the end. One of my favourite quotes is, ‘we are all born naked and the rest is drag.’”