Why I Meditate

Hint: It’s not to “get rid of that pesky cold”

As much as people deride the Huffington Post for being a soul-destroying, worse-than-worthless churning stream of inane garbage, I actually find it a useful source. Every article is a distilled 300-word summary of all the conventional wisdom and soundbite-science you could want on any given topic.

This article is a perfect example of that. It’s filled to brimming with vague, hypothetical, unsupported causal claims like “you may finally master multitasking.” Why does the author suggest that’s a possibility? Apparently because one researcher wrote that “certain forms of meditation increase concentration and reduce emotional volatility and stress for those in stressful, information-intensive environments.”

If you’re having trouble finding the connection between that finding and the claim about multi-tasking, fret not. It’s not there. In fact, the researcher appears to be saying the opposite — that one’s concentration may improve.

As stress and anxiety — and the problems that accompany them — become more prevalent, with 40 million Americans over 18 suffering from anxiety disorders, meditation is becoming more and more popular. It’s not just for Buddhists anymore. My synagogue now has meditation retreats. Leo Babauta has accumulated over a million readers writing about meditation. My friend Camille’s professor required her to go to a series of seminars on mindfulness meditation as part of a mandatory class for her nutrition major. Even my doctor told me to read meditation guru Jon Kabat-Zinn when I mentioned school was stressful.

(When I asked my doctor “Have you read anything by him?” he said “No, but he’s supposed to be great.” Visiting my parents at home, I found my mother had taken one of Kabat-Zinn’s books out of the library. When I asked her if she read it yet, she said “No, I’ve been too busy.” It seems Kabat-Zinn has managed to make quite a name for himself despite people not reading his books.)

Don’t take my sarcasm to mean I think meditation is bad, or overrated. I don’t. In fact, I think it’s underrated. I think it’s the foundation, the fulcrum, and turning point (yes, all three!) of a healthy life. Just don’t think it will allow you to multitask or fight a cold, because it will not.

The Foundation

I started meditating last November, and I have skipped less than ten days since then. It has become the centerpiece of my morning routine. I wake up, drink a glass of water, shower, and meditate. For just 6 minutes, I sit on an ottoman, knees at ninety degrees, hands cupped on my lap, staring in front of me, inhaling and exhaling slowly through my nose, focusing on my breath, and keeping all other thoughts at bay.

My thoughts all day hold me down like steel chains, demanding I keep up with the everyday bullshit of living. If you don’t get an A in this class, you are worthless, they say. Or sometimes, Play video games! Play them right now! Video games are more fun than studying! My thoughts conflict and pull me everywhere, and I’m caught in the middle.

But after meditating, my thoughts brush against me like gossamer, and I push them aside without trying. I do not need to try. I am whole and full of intention.

Pulled in many different directions, I am stuck. With intention toward one direction, I can run.

I can’t say that meditation makes my mind “stronger and faster.” I don’t think that would even be a good thing if it were true. I live in my mind too much already. Meditation allows me to escape it.

Then, it is only once I am free that I can focus on my work, exercise, friends, and family.

The Fulcrum

Meditation is the point about which I leverage my new life. I used the self-control I learned in meditation to:

Overcome my fears: I used to go into an hour-long state of near catatonia whenever I got blood taken or had a vaccine. I even turned down Accutane treatment despite having moderate acne because I would need to have blood taken once a month. Now I opt-in to being poked when I get my flu vaccine despite there being an inhaler option. I meditate while having it done and it leaves me weary for no more than a minute or two. No more hyperventilating at the mere mention of needles. If you’re scared of something, stop thinking about it and just do it. People think meditation helps you think. It doesn’t. It helps you stop thinking.

Quit several bad habits: Whenever I feel tempted to relapse, I stand and meditate for a second, just watching the urges ebb and flow, moving from steel chains to gossamer. Then I walk away in full-intention-mode. This worked for quitting sweets and soda, not bypassing my StayFocusd filter, staying on task while during a Pomodoro, and resisting playing video games when I cannot afford the time.

Stop feeling sorry for myself: Both self-deprecation and self-indulgence come from a place of pitying oneself and lead to a place of distraction and failure. Whenever I feel those familiar thoughts of I hate myself and Nothing matters, so I might as well just watch TV, I breathe in and out through my nose for a minute. I focus on my breath. I remind myself of who I am and of what great things I am capable. (If I still feel crappy, I go to sleep. Nine times out of ten I’m just tired.)

The Turning Point

Starting to meditate was for me the turning point of my life, as I’m sure it was for many others. It completely changed my mindset about who I am and what the point of life is.

Meditation is such an absurd activity. It’s not like writing posts on Medium, where at the end of the post you have something to show for your work. It’s not like exercise where you get your heart going, work up an appetite, and build some muscle. Nor is it like travel, where at your destination you’re in a whole new place with things to do, areas to explore, and people to meet. At the end of a six-minute meditation session, you just have six less minutes.

I realize I said in the last section that it helped me overcome my fears, focus while working, quit bad habits, and stop feeling sorry for myself, but it’s hardly as if I don’t still struggle with those same things every single goddamn day. It’s no panacea. As a a productive activity with concrete results, sitting quietly for a few minutes every morning ranks somewhere below rolling down a hill. At least rolling down a hill gets your heart rate up.

Yet it is that very absurdity which makes it so wonderful. As ridiculous as it sounds, sitting quietly is hard. It requires patience and a belief that you are worth caring for. You need to take the long view of life. If I knew I were going to die today, I’d probably say goodbye to everyone I care about and go try heroin. Meditation is the opposite. It requires thinking that there’s a person you want to be and becoming that person starts now. It’s not about doing or experiencing or obtaining things, because it’s a vacuum where those things don’t belong.

Meditation requires setting aside time and space to do nothing. The work, consume, be silent, die cycle comes from wanting more money, more things, more entertainment, more, more, more. Meditation requires giving all that up. It’s incompatible with it. In order to take that time out of your busy day to stop thinking, you have to value living, experiencing the sensation of being alive for its own sake. It’s incompatible with goals, because goals require action and planning and thinking. Meditation requires silence and calm and emptiness.

Meditation lacks glory. If someone walks in on you meditating, it’s kind of embarrassing. It looks silly and — when you’re first doing it — it feels silly. It’s uncomfortable. Three minutes in my back starts hurting and it just hurts more and more until I relax. Nobody’s going to pat you on the back for sitting still for a bit. It won’t make you famous and it won’t get you girls because you’re not even interacting with anyone while you’re doing it.

It’s the ultimate protest against a society that values work, money, power, fame, consumption, and self-indulgence.