How Not to Date White Women
Internets,
Suddenly, it seems, it’s open season on brothers who aren’t quite on the up and up, who nevertheless haven’t done anything (recently) to necessitate the involvement of law enforcement.
I gotta lay low anyway, because it’s the holiday season at the BGM, where I still work part-time, which means that I’ve been having to wake up at the ass crack of 4 AM, but even if I didn’t I’d seriously consider staying inside this weekend.
This past weekend, Arruh performed at the BET Awards… which I’m assuming was a matter of him offering to perform (he’s got a new album to promote) and them not being in a position to decline. As discussed in one (or probably all) of my books, the fact that such obscure black celebrities usually show up to the BET Awards is the very origin of the term Black People Twitter.
Already, a few weeks ago, some CAC had cashed what I’m sure was a sizable check to write the same article someone always writes when Arruh has a new album out, about how he shouldn’t be allowed to have a career anymore because of that water-sports video from like ’02. And then of course we were treated to any number of slight variations on said article by random bloggers, the Ebony magazine set and the same kids on Facebook who wanted to know why there wasn’t a profile pic flag overlay for the mass shooting that took place in [country in Africa, which is a continent] six months ago.
This set the stage, at least spiritually, for an incident in which Chris Brown (who must have an album coming out as well — could a tour with Arruh be imminent?) had a guest appearance on the Daily Show canceled at the last minute, supposedly because members of the staff objected to him being on the show. This despite the fact that it’s been a good six years since the Rumble in the Lambo, and when that crazy chick broke into his house and wrote her name on everything in spray paint, he managed to refrain from putting a shoe on her.
What more do they want from Chris Brown?!
Celebrity hip-hop journalist Ernest Baker maintains that he refrained from putting a shoe on his ex-girlfriend, Complex editor Lauren Nostro. He’s been accused of, among other things, pushing her to the ground, leading to a cut on her chin that required upwards of 20 stitches.
True love should only lead to one thing on a girl’s chin, and the only scarring should be emotional in nature.
Other things he’s accused of, in a must-read article at Jezebel:
- Not wanting to go half on a $45 wifi bill, which, for what it’s worth, he may not have used half of (girls spend more time on the Internets than guys)
- Threatening to kill and/or cut himself; being a black, male cutter (lol)
- Throwing a bottle of Hennessy, probably at her head, which left a hole in the wall, thus potentially voiding her security deposit
- Sending emotionally abusive text messages, repeatedly calling her a hoo-er
- Causing her to throw a glass of red wine at him, which she then cut her hand trying to clean up
- Sleeping around on her either before or after she’d already slept around on him (neither of which is acceptable, I’m pretty sure, in Christianity)
Getting another girlfriend too soon after they broke up - Mentioning “a lewd sex act” she’d performed on another guy, in front of a group of friends while they were watching the American Music Awards
Because of the way it was phrased, I had to read that last part twice, to make sure she hadn’t performed the act itself in front of a group of friends. As if this article wasn’t interesting enough!
The incident that led to the boo boo on Nostro’s chin began with an argument over a set of keys and eventually progressed to her breaking his debit card and threatening to douse his clothes with bleach if he didn’t leave. They got into a shoving match in a closet, and he threw her from the closet, maybe to protect his clothes.
She didn’t press charges until four months later, after he supposedly refused to pay for those stitches. If that really is true (I believe women), he must be kicking himself. His lawyer confirmed to both Jezebel and the New York Post that he’s since been arrested and charged with a litany of offenses that sound way worse than wrestling with your girlfriend in a closet. Certainly, they sound less appealing to me personally.
In September, Baker signed a deal to write a book called How to Date White Women. Nostro found out and informed the publisher of his arrest, in an attempt to get the deal canceled. Her friend Meaghan Garvey, upset about a tweet in which Baker brags about the book deal, his DJ career and his pregnant girlfriend, blabbed to the Internets about the alleged domestic violence incident. Nostro was caught off guard by this and only granted Garvey tacit permission to do so after the fact, despite claims to the contrary.
Yesterday, Baker typed a statement defending himself into a word processor, took screen caps of it and uploaded them to Twitter, as one does. In it, he insists that he was never physically abusive with Nostro, calls her a racist and accuses her of calling him the dreaded n-word and making fun of Trayvon Martin’s death. He also suggests that he has proof that she threatened to lie to the police and say that he hit her.
He seems convinced that he’ll be vindicated by the legal system, which he seems to have the utmost amount of faith in. (I’m not sure what his background is.) His career might be fucked either way. That’s how these things work.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
Originally published at tinyletter.com.
