Free [insert name of black male celebrity here]
I figured the year wouldn’t come to an end with the peace and calm befitting the 2015th anniversary of the birth of the baby Jesus, but who would have thought the year would come to a close with Bill Cosby, America’s Dad, being perp-walked into a Pennsylvania courthouse as if he were Martin Shkreli, in a gray hooded sweater that’s a sort of Cosby Sweater equivalent of the hoodie Shkreli wore during his own perp walk, after he announced plans to bail out Bobby Shmurda and was promptly arrested.
It was almost as if America couldn’t stand to see the year end without throwing as many black men under the bus as they (we?) possibly could. In addition to Bill Cosby being charged with some shit that happened 12 years ago (that’s a old crime!), that he was already told he wouldn’t be prosecuted for, there was Arruh walking off the set of a Huffington Post Live interview in which the host was supposed to be asking him about his new album (which must not be any good, or else this wouldn’t be an issue) and instead kept trying to ask him about his “proclivities”; Chris Brown supposedly putting a shoe on another woman; and Tyga sending text messages to the world’s hottest 14-year-old (someone had to say it), asking her to sing for him — which is illegal now, apparently.
The time to have gone over all of these things in depth would have been the past few weeks, when I was neglecting you in favor of alcohol as if I were your real father, but here’s a few bullet points.
1) Are we going off-script on all interviews now, or just Arruh? There’s hardly an interview in which there isn’t a question that might cause the interviewee to walk out. If we’re gonna continue to feign objectivity, we need to be asking those questions. Email me at this address if you need to know what those questions are. I know a few journalists read this.
2) Where are the pictures of the alleged victim in the latest Chris Brown assault case looking like a side of beef in the first Rocky? I consulted the Google to see what this alleged fight was about, and I saw pictures of the supposed victim frolicking on the beach with her ass out. She’s obviously just trying to become famous.
3) Tyga was smart in choosing Kylie Jenner to routinely (and gloriously, I’m sure) violate before she was of age, since the Kardashians needed to benefit from his fame more than they needed to sue him for whatever he has left from “Rack City,” but as was the case with drinking Budweiser in the 1980s, it’s important to know when to say when. If I were him, I’d avoid dealing with any more underage girls for the time being. He obviously didn’t do anything at all inappropriate with the girl who’s trying to sue him, but if 2015 taught us anything it’s that black men don’t have to break the law to get convicted.
Which brings us to the Cos.
I conducted an investigation into this pending matter in Pennsylvania, using the Google, and come to find out it’s some ol’ bullshit. Essentially, the guy who was running for DA in that particular county taunted his opponent — the incumbent DA of umpteen years — with the fact he declined to prosecute the Cos in this case back in ’04, long before Hannibal Buress put him on blast. The guy actually won the election, due in part to this Cosby BS, and so now he’s gotta try to toss the Cos in jail, lest people accuse him of going back on his campaign promises.
It’s the equivalent of if/when Donald Trump is elected president and people pressure him to cut ISIS’ head off and take their oil, as he’s promised in his first campaign ad.
The prosecutor didn’t have a leg to stand on, legally, way TF back in ’04, nor does this new guy. The Cos will almost certainly beat this case, and if he doesn’t it’ll be a profound miscarriage of justice — which is not to say that he’s definitely not guilty in the 57 other rapes he’s been accused of, nor is it to say that declaring that someone is definitely guilty of a crime based on something you read on Facebook is a ridiculous thing to do. Also, I think that there’s plenty of valid, worthwhile content in Ebony magazine.
The facts just aren’t there in this case. The alleged victim, Andrea Constand, claims that the Cos gave her a pill that caused her to be especially prone to nonconsensual lovemaking, but she doesn’t accuse him of grinding it up and putting it in her drink while she wasn’t looking, like Cee-Lo and/or Rawse. She says he gave her the pill, telling her it would help her to relax, and she took it. Whatever transpired subsequent to her accepting pills from the Cos’ legendary GHB-and-Qualuudes tackle box, knowing good and well he’s not a real doctor (not even a real doctor of education), is a matter of he say she say. And as I’m sure the late, great Johnny Cochran would point out if he were alive today, if it comes down to a matter of he say she say you must acquit.
Speaking of lawyers, a few brief comments on the Cos’ lawyer and then I’ll leave you to your hair: (1) I’m assuming the fact that the Cos chose a black female lawyer is a matter of his confidence that he’ll beat this case. Otherwise he’d have a Jew. (2) Still, I’m sure this lady is competent. I heard she shut down Gloria Allred on CNN, though I didn’t see it myself. I’d bring her with me to return something I just grabbed from a rack at Macy’s, that I don’t have a receipt for. (3) How come the same hoodrats who spent all last week “shaming” black men for supporting Arruh and the Cos don’t seem to have anything to say about the Cos’ lawyer. (4) Camille Cosby was notably absent during that perp walk, instead replaced by this lawyer. Word on the street is that she’s finally through with Bill.
If/when the Cos beats this case, maybe him and that lawyer can be an item. You know he’s thought about it!
Take it easy on yourself,
Originally published at tinyletter.com.