Leave Soulja Boy in jail for as long as necessary
A call for criminal justice reform (of sorts)
Internets,
The only way Soulja Boy will learn that it’s illegal, not to mention rude, to threaten to shoot people with pastel guns in Instagram videos is if he’s forced to do a significant amount of time in the pokey.
In a video posted maybe a week ago, the “Crank That” rapper suggested that he might pop a cap in the asses of Lil Yachty, Shia LaBeouf and Quavo from Migos.
The gun he waved around, which was purple, looked like something that might be stored in a glass case in a campus safe space in case Donald Trump is spotted in the area trying to grab girls by the vagine.
It looked like the kind of gun Prince might have kept on his nightstand in case someone tried to break into Paisley Park and make off with his buttless chaps from the ’91 VMAs.
Remember Eddie Murphy’s bit from Raw about the gay cop riding on top of the car, making his own siren noises?
Soulja Boy complained that Lil Yachty and Shia LaBeouf, who’s a rapper now, dissed him first, and now people think he’s crazy just because he’s making videos threatening to shoot them, as one does.
He says he texted Quavo from Migos his address and then proceeded to spend the next six hours waiting for him to “pull up,” which he never did, presumably because he was afraid that Soulja Boy would put a shoe on him and/or shoot him.
I don’t blame him for not showing up; Soulja Boy seems like he might not be right in the head, like maybe he got his hands on some “white people drugs.” He might need to check with either Kanye or Kid Cudi about the name of a good rehab, preferably somewhere that takes Obamacare.
Soulja Boy was already on probation for something or other and therefore not allowed to have any guns in his house, and either his probation officer follows him on Instagram or some Internets troll called the cops on him. I honestly kinda hope it’s the latter.
At any rate, 5–0 tossed Soulja Boy’s crib, found that purple gun, and Soulja Boy was locked up.
I’m not sure what the terms of his probation were, nor am I willing to conduct research, but I know they usually throw the book at you for a violation, especially if it’s for a gun. That’s how Pimp C got locked up.
My concern is that, because California prisons only have room for real criminals, not dumbass kids fucking around on the Internets, Soulja Boy might get off with another slap on the wrist. They can’t bust people for recreational weed anymore, so hopefully that will clear up some space.
Lord knows the state of California has already seen what happens when someone doesn’t intervene when rappers threaten to shoot each other. Let’s hope they do the right thing here and send Soulja Boy away for a good long while.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
Originally published at tinyletter.com.
