Leslie Jones pwned in ways that both rival and call to mind slavery
I may never recover
Internets,
I think we can agree that the attacks on Leslie Jones have gone entirely too far.
It was one thing when it was just a matter of people on Twitter calling her a big-lipped coon, comparing her to Harambe, sending her pics that they’d jizzed on and suggesting that she was the source of the AIDS virus–I don’t agree with calling black women out of their names, as if this were rap music, or doing anything that’s sexually inappropriate, but on a certain level I could understand people being upset with her being cast in the all-female Ghostbusters reboot.
But I can’t abide the idea that Leslie Jones noodz are floating around out there in cyberspace, where anyone might see them. The Internets have truly become less safe for all of us, not only in the sense that this could happen to any of us, if the so-called hipster nazis of the alt-right somehow came to blame us for ruining their childhoods, but in the sense that we could accidentally stumble upon one of those noodz. They were the top trending topic on Twitter the other day. How easy would it have been to accidentally click on one of those links while your phone was in your pocket?
I’m not gonna lie. I purposely sought out those pics, not because I’m into girls who look like they could be a guard in a maximum security prison, working alongside a young Rawse, but for the sake of citizen journalism. I heard that these images were highly compromising, so to speak, and I wanted to see how bad they were, in case I needed to write about them in my free, weekly email newsletter. (The things I do for the Internets, I swear.) It was the shanty town equivalent of the Snowden Affair.
Unless, that is, it’s illegal to try to pull up leaked celeb noodz on Twitter, in which case I’m obviously just joking. Why would I want to see Leslie Jones in anything less than the exterminator coveralls she wore in the new Ghostbusters movie? That logic might actually work in court. Also, your honor, please disregard anything I said, in an early edition of Life in a Shanty Town, and then again in No Country for Black Men, about my intended use for the pics that hit the Internets during the Fappening.
I kid Victoria Justice, but only because I love.
I figured it might be difficult to turn up pics of Leslie Jones in her natural state, because Twitter probably had a room full of East Indian people working overtime to ban anyone who posted them, especially after that Buzzfeed article (“A Honeypot For Assholes”), but it didn’t end up being any more difficult than clicking on the trending topic and then clicking on the tab that said all tweets, rather than the one that said top tweets. The latter just serves you bullshit tweets from soi-disant influencers, usually the same dumbasses for every topic, regardless of what it’s about, and I wasn’t there to see people virtue signaling. I was there to have my lunch ruined.
The pic I saw was a mocked up magazine cover a la the old Internet Commenter Wkly and/or Kanye’s Life of Pablum-era Rolling Stone cover, with one of the Leslie Jones noodz as the main image. The pic wasn’t anything I’d personally have any use for, what with the magic contained within the fabled RackRadar archive, but I’m not gonna lie. I could see someone who’s been in jail for a number of years finding it not just acceptable, but downright welcome. Keep in mind, some guys, if they’re locked up long enough, will eventually make sweet, passionate love to another guy. Certainly this would be preferable to that, no? (Don’t answer that question.)
The cover lines of this fake magazine promoted articles on, among other things (including the aforementioned Harambe, natch), basic Internets security, suggesting that it must not have been difficult to pull off this hack. I know sometimes it’s just a matter of sending someone an email claiming to be from either Apple or Google, asking for the password to their email account. A lot of these girls from Nickelodeon didn’t finish high school. Leslie Jones is old enough to know better, but then I’ve heard that she was conned into doing a commercial for Allstate insurance in which they had her lusting after a white man, which has been described as coonery. Supposedly, that’s the reason you see so many CACs jumping to her defense and not so much Black People Twitter.
Back in July, I joked that it might be necessary for the Department of Homeland Security to get involved in protecting Leslie Jones from Internets trolls. Yesterday, it was announced that they’re assisting the FBI in tracking down whoever leaked those noodz. Granted, this might all be part of the same elaborate ruse in which we’ve been led to believe that Vladimir Putin, on behalf of Donald Trump, leaked the emails in which it was revealed that the DNC plotted to steal the primary election from Bernie Sanders. Notice how Lena Dunham and Katy Perry, both of whom appeared at the Democratic National Convention, have issued statements on this matter.
I’d suggest somehow disciplining Milo Yiannopoulos, but they already banned him from Twitter, and look what good that did. They could have him deported, but I shudder to think what 4chan would do in response. It might be necessary to enable two-factor authentication on Queen Latifah’s phone as a precautionary measure.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
Originally published at tinyletter.com.
