Maxine Waters wishes she looked like James Brown
As we all do
Internets,
The fact that Bill O’Reilly’s remarks about Maxine Waters’ hair–that she appeared to be wearing a James Brown wig–were widely viewed as an insult just goes to show how little black people know about our own music in 2017 (which is hardly a surprise, given the crap they play on the radio).
Any woman should be so lucky as to be told that she looks like James Brown. James Brown was a beautiful man. No homo.
As the rare black person who really did have some “Indian in [his] family,” James Brown’s hair remained shiny and voluminous to the very end of his life. The only time there was so much as a strand out of place was when he was arrested for going on a PCP-fueled outrage, when it looked crazier than a mofo, like he’d jammed a finger in a light socket. And who knows, maybe he did.
The Rev. Al “Mr. ‘do” Sharpton wears a perm to this day, in part as a tribute to James Brown and in part because he’s heavily involved in the pimp game, out in Hunts Point.
The other day, Maxine Waters gave a speech on the floor of the House to declare that she’s officially against Donald Trump–which came as a relief to me personally. On Fox News, Bill O’Reilly joked that he couldn’t focus on what she was saying because he was too distracted by her James Brown wig.
In a separate incident, White House press secretary Sean Spicer almost got into a wrestling match with a woman from an obscure black radio station, who somehow managed to get press credentials. She kept doing that thing where she appeared to disagree with what he was saying before he could even say it, which I can imagine would be maddening to someone who hasn’t had to deal with that every single day of his life–an oft-unacknowledge form of white privilege.
The two incidents, combined, led to a hashtag campaign in which black women bitched and moaned about things CACs said at their jobs, for which similarly qualified black men were probably passed over. It remains to be seen whether this will bring a halt to our descent into fascism, but I’ve got my fingers crossed. Though I’m not sure what their beef is.
Bill O’Reilly’s problem with Maxine Waters’ hair was not so much that there’s anything wrong with it, but rather that it’s incongruous with the rest of her personal appearance. It’s silky and luxurious, while the rest of Maxine Waters can be euphemistically described as being “well-preserved”–which is something people sometimes say about a corpse, at a funeral.
Maxine Waters is 78 years old, which is like 112 in white people years, and she looks it. Her face looks like a wax statue that’s started to melt. She probably used to be fairly attractive, but even a black woman can only be attractive for so long. When people say that black don’t crack, what they really mean is that a black woman will continue to look somewhat youthful into her 30s and 40s, while white women hit the wall hard at 30 (and that’s if they’re lucky). Eventually, black does crack.
Strategically, Maxine Waters would be better off wearing a wig that looks like it could conceivably belong to a 78-year-old woman. Like, if she took the same wig, tore a few patches out of it, never combed it, spritzed it with cat pee and styled it even more anachronistically than it already is.
And this goes for all black women. What’s the point of wearing fake hair down to your behind, when (a) no black woman could possibly grow hair that long, and (b) it might cover up your ass, which is most black women’s best feature? Instead, they should try to find fake hair that’s kinda fucked the fuck up-looking.
If such a product doesn’t already exist, this could be an opportunity for a black woman to become the next Madam C. J. Walker, the first black female millionaire. She had more money in the early 1900s than Remy Ma has today. If a black woman does pursue this opportunity, she doesn’t even have to cut me a check–that’s a freebie, from the original male feminist. But she needs to hop on that shit before the Chinese get their hands on it.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
Originally published at tinyletter.com.
