Whose fault was this, other than your own?
When I got off work Tuesday, I went home and wrote a jokey article, not unlike this one, about things we could expect under a Hillary Clinton presidency, including FEMA camps for people who made problematic remarks on Twitter, and more white people shooting at the police.
By the time I was ready to call it an evening, I had to go back and write another article, about all the reasons Hillary lost and why we should have seen this coming. I probably spent another 30 pr 45 minutes working on it.
I’m a large brother, and when I don’t get enough sleep at night it causes me to get emotional during the day. That’s part of the reason I was beefing with so many rappers back in the mid ‘00s–I wasn’t getting enough sleep. In a sense, I feel like I’m the real victim here.
Below, I’ve put together a list of people whose fault it is that Donald Trump is now president-elect.
With all due respect, past and present, and without further . . . to do.
1) Hillary Clinton
More so than anyone else, this was Hillary Clinton’s fault for thinking she should have been president in the first place.
Hillary Clinton shouldn’t even be president of the Little Orphan Annie fan club, because nobody likes her. Her own husband didn’t even like her enough not to step out on her on the reg. She got beat by a black guy back in ’08 (no Rihanna), and she almost got beat by a decrepit, elderly Jewish guy this time around, and probably would have if it weren’t for the DNC’s shenanigans.
2) Lena Dunham
I tried to warn Lena Dunham last week that “Sensual Pantsuit Anthem” might cost Hillary the election. Now where is Lena Dunham?
Literally, we don’t know where Lena Dunham is. She hasn’t posted on Twitter since early in the day Tuesday, when she seemed convinced that Hillary would be elected, like she’d spoken with someone from the Illuminati.
It’s been three days now since the election. It might be necessary for 5–0 conduct an Elliot Rodger-style wellness check on her apartment. It won’t be enough to check and see if her hallway smells like fish–they’re gonna have to go in there.
3) The media
To hear most mainstream media outlets tell it, Donald Trump didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming president. If only I’d thought to put some money on this out in Vegas, I could have retired from the warehouse.
The reason the media were so certain Hillary would win is because they didn’t know anyone personally who wasn’t voting for Hillary, or didn’t think that Donald Trump is literally Hitler. And the reason they didn’t is because no one works in the media except third-reich feminists, gay guys, people related to the guy who owns the place and the occasional token minority.
Media Twitter has devolved into a Hunger Games-style competition to see who can engage in the most virtue signaling, with the loser having to move back in with his (or probably her) parents, if they don’t live there already. No guy who ever saw an attractive girl and wondered what that mouth do could possibly hope to compete.
Clearly, this election was a referendum on the very idea of social justice. And by social justice, I don’t mean the kind that might involve preventing some poor family’s house from getting foreclosed on. I’m talking about the kind that might involve, say, conducting an email harassment campaign in an attempt to get subprime lenders to hire more transgender women.
Part of the reason Trump won is because people could see how, for example, putting up a wall might make it so that white people could get more jobs mowing lawns. (Never hire a white person to mow your lawn.)They were at a loss for how mere symbolic gestures would do them any good.
Putting a woman in charge of a government that does’t work would only serve to prove that women can also fuck things up, which, if you’ve ever been to my house for Thanksgiving, you already know. No shots.
5) Racist white people
At the end of the day, Donald Trump wouldn’t be president-elect if he didn’t get more votes than Hillary. Or rather, if he didn’t get more votes from the electoral college (whatever that is). Hillary Clinton won the popular vote, but Trump got way more votes than he should have (only Melania was morally obligated to vote for him), and that wouldn’t be the case if it weren’t for racist white people.
People were surprised to see that more white women voted for Trump than for Hillary, but they shouldn’t have been, since it’s a known fact that white women, particularly older white women, but also many younger white women and especially white feminists, are more racist than white men.
True, it was white men who lynched black men, while white women stood by and posed for photos with the “strange fruit” (they also made the false rape accusations that led to the lynchings in the first place), but that’s only because even 8 or 10 white women couldn’t take down a determined black men.
I encourage them to try, because I welcome any excuse for a white woman to touch me (for free), with the caveat that I might employ defense techniques gleaned from Donald Trump. Like Brazilian jiujitsu, they involve certain holds that can be very difficult to get out of.
Take it easy on yourself,
Originally published at tinyletter.com.