Why won’t Beyoncé pull out of Coachella?

We can only conclude that Beyoncé hates gay people

Beyoncé shortly after placing her finger in a light socket (Source: Vanity Fair)

Internets,

Artists performing at Coachella, and media organizations covering the festival, don’t have to feel obligated to participate in a boycott, but they do need to understand that I won’t be taking them seriously anymore. Not that I took them seriously in the first place.

They can also spare me any response that takes the form of virtue-signaling that has no meaningful effect on the festival’s bottom line.

No one gives a shit about you being officially against anti-gay bigotry.

And how could you be against anti-gay bigotry, anyway, if you perform at a festival that enriches a guy who then turns around, takes that money and donates it to anti-LGBTQ groups, including groups that have been declared legit, according-to-Hoyle hate groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center?

Granted, the SPLC lacks the credibility that it had back when it was represented by such esteemed figures as Jack Nicholson in the movie Easy Rider. A few years ago, they tried to declare pickup artists a hate group, because they supposedly hate women, which simply defies logic. No one loves women more than a pickup artist. I’m trying to love women as much in 2017 (and already failing, natch).

I can see if you’re someone like Mitski, who might need the money. On Twitter, she said that pulling out of Coachella, at which she’s already contracted to perform, would only hurt her. They might sue her into Bolivian and also prevent her from performing at any of the other venues they control. I read somewhere, maybe Pitchfork, that they put on 61% of the concerts that took place last year. That can’t be right, can it? That might be “fake news.”

I listened to Mitski’s song “Your Best American Girl” a few times on Spotify. It might honestly be the best song ever written, all hyperbole aside. But she probably didn’t make very much money from that. It might be necessary for her to take money from evil Oligarchs, to continue her career.

If she does pull out of Coachella, I’ll give her a hundred dollar bill, on the condition that I’m allowed to insert it into her waistband using my teeth, Sauget-style. Because it’s probably illegal to announce in an email newsletter that you’re going to give someone $100 and then not do it, I should note that I’m dead serious about this. (As they say in New York, I’m “deadass.”) If necessary, I’ll deposit this money into an escrow account controlled by an independent, non-Nigerian third party.

I’d be willing to extend this offer to many, but not all, of the female artists performing at Coachella, including headliner Beyoncé, but why would Beyoncé need my $100 to not perform? Couldn’t she just pull out of the festival because it’s the right thing to do? It’s not like she needs the money. Between her and Jay Z, they must have like a billion dollars. Which raises the question: How much money would she need in order to take a stance?

Last year, she hijacked the already kinda meaningless Black Lives Matter movement to promote her new album at the MFN Super Bowl. If it turned out that the proceeds from the Super Bowl benefited the police, would she still have performed? At the very least, she probably would have gone with one of her numbers about how she doesn’t need a man because she already has a lot of money. (Jay Z has donated money to the police.)

It could be that Beyoncé isn’t as concerned with gay issues as she is with the plight of unarmed black men who are shot and killed by the police, most–if not all–of whom are straight, which would be ironic since she has so many gay male fans and comparatively few straight male fans. In a sense, she doesn’t have any straight male fans at all, since any guy who listens to Beyoncé is gay by definition. LOL

Take it easy on yourself,

Bol

P.S. The other day I published my latest #longform piece for Medium, Operation: Doomsday. Have a look, if you haven’t already.

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Originally published at tinyletter.com.