I have been having an on-going discussion with a friend regarding the topic of people changing. She believes that people cannot and will not change. Her argument is simply that people are who they are. I will expand upon her argument later, but suffice to say that it is a difficult argument to defeat.

Making Changes Stick

Most people are sincere when they try to make changes in how they behave. My friend and I are in agreement on that fact. Where we part ways is on the actual lasting nature of the change. I say people can change as long as they put some concerted effort into creating different behaviors. My friend says that any changes are very short term and temporary and that all people will migrate back to their old behaviors soon enough.

To me this is the crux of the entire discussion. If people can make the changes stick then they can definitely change and if they cannot then they definitely cannot change.

Journaling

I think that one way people can change is to create a list of things they want to change. You can call them Action Steps. Once there is a list of action steps the person should start a journal. They should write their Action Steps at the top of every entry and then rate how difficult each item will be to achieve. On a daily basis they should review their feelings about the Action Steps. They should discuss with their journal how they are going about accomplishing those steps. While trying to change they should be doing this at least every other day. At some point the changes will become a habit that won’t go back to the old ways.

Partner Feedback

Most people want to change for their partner. Inclulding their partner in the change process is very important. The partner can help create the Action Steps list and then can give feedback on how they are doing on the changes. It is sort of a reality check on the change process.

Realistic vs. Unrealistic Change

I believe that if you embark on realistic change it will be the only way the change will stick. What is realistic change? It is a change that you sincerely want to make. You are not making the change for anyone else. Having said that, making changes to enable a relationship to work better would also be a realistic change in my opinion. What is an unrealistic change? It is a change you make only because someone else demands it. Maybe you don’t even see the need for a change, but you do it for someone else. That type of change is unlikely to succeed.

If you want a change to stick make sure it is a realistic one. Make sure it is a change you want to make. Make sure you are 100% sold on the change. If you do that the change will stick.

Why Would a Change Not Stick?

My friend insists that people are who they are. She insists that despite every good intention, people cannot change the core of who they are. To an extent I can agree, but I think the core of who we are also determines what changes we can make stick. I believe a less regimented person would be incapable of changes that last. However, a regimented person will make it work by using a process like the one I mention above involving journaling. Whatever process you use it will need to be one that creates a lasting habit or else you are destined to fail at your change.

I find it interesting when people say “we are who we are” because those same people will agree that your past has made you who you are today. How is that possible if you are not capable of changing? Obviously change is possible if your past has changed who you once were and created who you are today.

How to Make the Changes Happen

I am currently working on a list of 7 things that I want to change. Some of those things are interrelated, but the fact is that I am actively working on them. This is what you should do if you want to change as well. These are my suggested tips on how to make changes happen./

1. Create a list of action steps. These will be the steps you are planning to take. Make sure these are actionable things and word them in a way that they have already happened. Some examples would be “We do not argue on a daily basis any longer” or “I regularly show her that what she does is more than enough for me.” Take note of how they are actionable.
2. Begin a journal. A journal is private. It allows you to say anything you want because nobody will read it unless you allow them to. I personally use Life Journal, a program for my laptop. You can use anything you want. A Word document, a blank book or any other instrument where you can record your thoughts will work. Just make it a habit. Make sure that your action list starts off every entry. Stay focused on that action list. Record your successes and failures. Try to understand why you may have fallen short on an item on that list and come up with a plan to attack it so you are successful in the future.
3. Get an accountability partner. Find someone close to you and tell them what you are doing. Discuss with them on a regular basis the changes you are making and how it is going. Be honest with them. Do not hold anything back.
4. Speak to your partner (if you have one). Your partner knows you well. Hopefully you have the kind of relationship where they will give you honest feedback. This type of feedback is invaluable. You will be given a realistic view on the changes you are attempting.

Just get the job done. Don’t wait. Get started today. Change is on your horizon!