Dear Troy: An Overdue Letter to a Childhood Classmate in Prison

Sorry it’s taken me so long to write you back. It’s been like what…over 10 years now. I thought of you recently because I was watching this doc “The House I Live In.” It’s about the war on drugs and how harmful it’s been, how it’s destroyed lives, ruined families, and hasn’t brought drug use down. They showed how it affects everyone involved. So yeah, I thought about you and wondered how you were doing.

You probably remember the last letter you wrote me. You asked me to buy your kids birthday gifts. Remote control cars. You filled out an order form from Radio Shack and begged that I do this one thing for you. You’d asked me to do other things before like send you books, magazines, and find you female pen pals. I never got around to asking for pen pals but I sent you a ton of things to read and you devoured all of them. I remember you really enjoyed “Holler If You Hear Me.” And oh yeah you liked some calendar I sent too.

“I need a favor from you homie! I hate to have to ask but I have to at least know that I tryed Im really fucked up right now. I want my kids to know that I really love them so much. I want them to get a nice present from me. ☹ I really need you on this bro! Please man.”

Man, I was really annoyed that you’d asked me to do that. I thought, this dude, out of nowhere writes me a letter to my job from prison because he saw a pic of me in Vibe. I hadn’t heard or seen you since high school. And I took time out of my busy life…writing you letters and sending you packages and now you wanted my money? I was mad at you, Troy. Like, how ungrateful. I tossed that order form out.

That was then though. I regret not getting those gifts. I regret not ever writing you back. I look back and I was so selfish then. I really thought it was all about me all of the time. I didn’t really take the time to understand anything. Even your situation. I just couldn’t understand how our lives could’ve gone so different.

I know things now that I didn’t know then. Like when you wrote about being in the box for eight months, Innocence Project, and being back in population…I had no idea what you were talking about. I do now. You described it as a “modern day slavery camp” and asked me “Have you ever been to a dog pound?”

You always opened your letters wishing me and my loved ones well and said you prayed for me. I still have the pics you sent of your GED graduation, your daughter, and the one of your lady at the time. You said you went inside in ’96 and you’d be out in ‘03. You kept telling me you were proud of me. We only had one class together. Mr. B’s 5th grade class at Belle Sherman. You remembered playing football. You always played too rough. Haha.

Think you went to Boynton for junior high while I went to DeWitt. That’s why I didn’t see you until high school. But I didn’t see much of you then. I’d heard little things here and there about some troubles you got into. You know how small towns are. Everybody knows everybody. It’s crazy how many people we grew up with ran into rough times later on. People think Ithaca and only think of Cornell and like to think that struggle doesn’t exist there like it does everywhere else.

“Maybe when I get out we can hang out. I’m going legit when I get out I’ve been in prison too long and I’m getting a job I’ve learned my lesson I lost everything! My pain is deep I don’t ever want to be in this situation again! It’s like hell”

So I was watching that doc and thought about you. I pictured you as a free man living upstate somewhere. Either Ithaca or Syracuse. I wanted to think that you were living life and being with your kids. And that I could find you. And we could finally connect and hang out like you always wrote in those letters. First I tried to find you on Facebook but you weren’t there. So I just posted on my status, “Anyone know how to get in touch with Troy Johnson from IHS?” A few folks left comments. Then I got some messages. They said you died. So I looked it up and found your obituary in a Syracuse newspaper. When I asked our friend for details they said you took your life in prison two years ago.

I didn’t want to believe it man.

I searched for your letters that night. I read through all of them. Felt like I was reading them for the first time. I could feel your words. I felt your pain. It was strange. The last time I probably saw you was like ‘94. But I felt connected to you now. I had a hard time reading it. I’ve lost a few friends to suicide the last few years. But you…you man…you were supposed to be living. Ya know? I thought about how lonely and sad you must have felt inside while inside. And I thought about how in your time of need I abandoned you when you begged for help.

I wanted to believe that you really tried once you got out but you had to check off that “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” box every time. I wanted to believe that you really tried to be a good father to your children. But you know, I believe that you really wanted the things that you said you wanted in those letters. I’ve been watching a ton of depressing documentaries about how fucked up the world, country, and the system truly is. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I could’ve helped. I wish I could see the letters I wrote to you. I just hope that I wasn’t a complete self-absorbed asshole not sensitive to your situation. But man, I didn’t know nothing about that world. I just liked listening to rap songs about it.

I didn’t know what to do when I found out. I cried for you. I can admit that. And my decision to not buy your kids the remote control cars really messed me up. I’ve wondered if that little decision could have changed the course of things. Maybe not. But maybe so. Maybe it would have brought you closer to your kids. Maybe it would’ve made things better with your lady. Maybe we would’ve kept writing and we would’ve encouraged each other. Maybe you’d still fucking be here Troy. Or maybe that’s just me being naive of the life that you had to live once you got out. Because I noticed you got out. Found you on one of those mugshot sites. It’s messed up how they do that. You’re more than just a mugshot.

I found your ex on Facebook. Or maybe y’all were still together. I sent her a friend request. She didn’t accept me. I wrote her a note explaining who I was. I figured she’d remember giving your boy the Ruff Ryders shirt I sent you that they wouldn’t let you keep. She never wrote me back. I have no idea how things ended with you guys. I want to be respectful of that and to her so I don’t want to push it. But I really hope she does write back. I just hope I don’t want it for selfish reasons. I wish I could meet your kids and share the letters you wrote me so they could see how much their father loved them.

Troy, I’m sorry. Too late for everything now. But I’m sorry.

Yeah I can still do that thing with my elbow. You used to ask me to show you every time you saw me.

I wish you could write me back.

I wish we could chill at Stewart Park like you wanted to.

Did you know that you sat right behind me in our class picture?

Your Friend, Hyun

“I’ll be praying for you homie! I just want you to know that you are a positive friend that I will always respect. I know when I was younger I had that temper I still do but I got it under control I only react when somebody tests me. I am humble! And I think first. Stay in touch Hyun when I come home after all these years! I want to have a nice few days fun! So I want to chill with you! If that’s cool! I’m layed back now I got children and I dont try to scare people ☺ anymore expecially after doing all this time. I just want to live a humble life and take care of mine the only way I’ll react like a Rottwiller is if me or my peoples theatened (nahmean). Stay up playa! Hold ya head as well bro, stay cool and keep rising! It don’t stop till the casket drop!”

UPDATE May 19, 2013: This week I’ve connected with Troy’s younger brother as well as his ex-wife on Facebook. She let me know that while Troy did take his own life, it wasn’t while he was incarcerated. I was given the wrong information. Apologies for the mistake. Also, his children just requested me on FB. More updates to come.

Originally published at hyuninc.com.