“Disappointed” is a choice word

We are no strangers to disappointments, let alone being quite vocal about communicating that very same feeling to others. But do you know what burden does it carry?

Although I have always had a personal beef with the “I’m so disappointed in you” statement, it was a recent episode in my life that egged me on to consolidate — and eventually, jot down— my thoughts.

To be used after, not before, perspective taking

I figured that I detested the use of the word “disappointment” because it often implies an unjustified imposition of one’s belief, understanding, and perspective onto another person. We make the mistake of assuming that the view is the same on our side of the lawn as compared to theirs. It is easy for us to be disappointed with ourselves — because we often know what we are, how much we have done (or not). Our truth is what we based the statement upon.

Now ask yourself this: do you know the entire truth of the another person?

But remember, we do not see the entire truth in another person, by simply being an observer. And by extension, “I am disappointed in you” is often misused, because we failed to realize somebody else’s version of the truth is not entirely congruent with ours.

I am not proposing that we ban the use of the word outright — that would be, a-hah, disappointingly barbaric. However, I do believe that it is not a word to be used lightly. At least without considerable thought and perspective taking.

A scapegoat for discharging internal discomfort

“Feeling disappointed”, I suspect, is often seen as an all-encompassing panacea for the discharge of internal angst while we are too afraid or shy to admit that we are just mad on the inside. By saying that, you are not only abstracting the issue away from yourself and your ability to manage your anger, but you are discharging it in a very unhealthy way by guilt-tripping the other party.

Blame drives disconnection — and I have a feeling that by blatantly abusing the word “disappointed”, we are doing exactly the same. By saying you’re disappointed in someone when you are simply angry, you are actually blaming the person for letting you down. In one way, you are selfishly imposing your own expectations onto someone, especially when no proper communication and understanding has taken place.

Being disappointed means you have lost a parcel of trust in a person. Does being mad at that person equates to losing trust? If not, you might want to reconsider your choice of words.

Back to my story. I was travelling to a city where a friend of mine (let’s call him Jay) lives, simply for a quick weekend trip with no free time planned out for miscellaneous meetups. I guessed, perhaps by gleaning from my Instagram feed, that Jay realised I was in town.

“Wait a minute,” Jay thought, “Terry didn’t hit me up. I have asked him out when he was popping by, en route to a further destination some months ago, but he declined. Now he isn’t even telling me his plans.”

So long story short, I received a rather passive aggressive email at 4.30am on a Saturday, with the sentence:

I’m honestly hugely disappointed seeing that…

And my heart dropped. Reading through the message I have realized Jay made several assumptions that were entirely untrue, such as my boyfriend travelling with me (he was back at home working his shift at Crossfit), as well as my ninja-like avoidance and a general reluctance to meet.

It suddenly dawned upon me. Jay was disappointed in me based on a set of assumptions he had made, without actually figuring out my travel plans. Not only did he impose his version of intimacy and friendship on me, but he also made slippery assumptions about my travel partners, purposes of visit, and the likes.

I replied to Jay that I genuinely feel sorry that I have made him felt that way, but explained my situation — hoping that he realized he had missed out important details here and there. I haven’t heard back since, but I want to believe that I have said what I wanted to in a very restrained and friendly way.

So next time when you decide to pepper your statements with this choice word, do ask yourself: do you know all that is needed to know? Would any new, or alternate, knowledge alter your judgement? If yes, you might want to hold your tongue and the proverbial horses, and save that for later when things clarify.