Why do we need permission to begin?
Exploring the greatest hurdle of human progress: shame.
As a dad of a 3-year-old, I’ve found myself pondering some of the things I teach my daughter.
It’s a funny dichotomy: on one hand, you want to let them stay as pure and innocent for as long as possible. On the other, you want them to be ready for the harsh realities of society.
Your time ends up being equal parts nurturing and prodding. By prodding, I mean verbally: “don’t do this”, “stop doing that” and “you must ask politely”. It’s the last “prod” I want to write about today.
In a recent piece, Jeff Goins discusses why you must take ownership of your success. He coaches students who want to become writers. The bit that got me thinking was:
The biggest epiphany in teaching over 4500 students is that many of them — mature, intelligent adults — had to be told they had enough, that they were enough. They required permission to begin.
It reminded me of a TED talk I watched about the power of vulnerability. The speaker is Brene Brown, a researcher. If you haven’t watched her talk, I’d recommend it before reading on.
She explored the human need for connection and found that the root cause of disconnection was shame.
Taken straight from the transcript:
“…shame is really understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?”
Nobody talks about shame and that’s exactly what shame wants us to do. That’s how shame can maintain control over entire societies. At the core, that’s what it comes down to: control.
Once we feel any sort of shame, we short-circuit our personal power.
We forfeit any power we had. We become short-sighted, scared and uncertain. We rely on peer and family approval for our sense of self. We have no thoughts of our own.
Most importantly, we think that by asking someone for permission, that magically allows us to do something that we couldn’t do before.
It’s actually irresponsible. It places the locus on control on someone other than yourself. When you fail — as you invariably do — that gives you the right to blame the other person for your misgivings.
It’s shame playing a game of smoke and mirrors, redirecting your angst and rage to anything but itself.
My biggest wish for my daughter is to have the courage and conviction to trust her own thoughts.
What if by teaching her to ask for permission, I was setting into motion the process that condemns her to a world of shame?
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to do that, but at the same time, I didn’t want a rebellious kid tearing up the neighborhood.
Thankfully, Brene does come back and save the day. Shame can be thwarted by the power of vulnerability. In her words, you just have to…
…let yourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen … to love with your whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee…
At the lowest common denominator, it’s about leaning into the vulnerability. Embracing the fact that a lifetime’s work could go up in smoke in a day.
For me, letting my daughter know that she has my love no matter what will teach her to embrace her vulnerability, thoughts and feelings.
You don’t need permission to begin. You are worthy. You just need to believe it, get started and don’t stop.
If you could ❤ this article I’ll think the world of you.
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