I Didn’t Believe in God Until God Reached Me At Age 35

Then-me, I didn’t believe God existed.

Now-me, I still don’t believe that God exists.

Now-me, I know God exists.

My core is logic

Growing up, I wasn’t really the religious sort. I was more of a logical person who didn’t believe in the concept of God or deities. I was the type who would accompany my parents to temples to pray on important dates without questioning why we did the things we did.

With scandals happening in mega churches, I thought that the whole Christianity religion was nothing but a scam preying on people with broken souls. I used to think that if God was real, why are there so many sufferings in this world? Talking about God back then invoked the same emotion as talking about MLM.

The act of believing in an all-powerful God who loves us and at the same time does nothing to stop all the tragedies from happening in this world simply didn’t make sense to me. I also thought that believers liked to use concepts or biblical references only when it served them in proving their point. They wouldn’t be able to explain the validity of the principles they were talking about if addressing them in other scenarios.

I believe in principles. If you believe in a certain truth, that truth should always be constant regardless of the scenario. If the equation varies, then we need to revisit this belief and adjust the core belief in our head.

For the early part of my life, until I was 35, I always thought that Christianity was a place for networking and a place for scheming people to prey on those who were desperate about life. I thought that believing in God was for weak people.

Until life hit me.

Turning Point

The turning point started when my ailing father suddenly requested to be baptized, 2–3 weeks before he passed on from late stage cancer. This news was surprising to my family. There was absolutely no sign that he was considering believing in God. (and he was more free thinker than me)

I still remember the then me, at his bedside, asking him, “Do you really think there is a God? If after you die, you find out there is a God, you must come back and tell me.”

“How do I tell you when I am dead?” he replied.

“Email me.”

The conversation ended there.

I was depressed

When he passed on, about two years later, I was in a dark place. Life became dull. It was as if everything was black and white. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. I was in a marriage where my ex-spouse would get mad if I spent time with anyone (including my widowed mother) but her. Due to my non-confrontational nature, I didn’t do anything about it.

It was suffocating.

I decided that I will never be able to lead a happy life.

Alpha Question: What is the Purpose of Life?

It was at this point that I started to question the purpose of life. I told myself that if there was ever a good chance to sacrifice my life for the greater good, I would gladly do it anytime.

As the days passed, my desire to understand the purpose of living grew stronger. It was as if I was in a desert, desperate for a sip of water. I was so desperate for an answer.

At this time, I wasn’t a Christian and I still wasn’t religious, and I didn’t have anyone around me.

Then it happened.

The Moment

One night in 2017, I was on the bed, not sleeping yet, just sitting up and brooding about life. Without any warning, a message came into the deepest part of my inner being, bypassing my senses. I didn’t hear it. I didn’t see it. And I’m quite sure I wasn’t trying to conjure or imagine things.

The then-me believed that when people said they heard from God, it was most often self-imagined, trying to borrow authority for whatever point they wanted to make. But this was not my experience. I wasn’t trying to prove anything. I was just sitting there, brooding.

• The information felt like it was from a place of love.
• The information felt authoritative.
• The information felt like it was not something new, it was more like something we have all forgotten and then remembered. (It literally felt like during exams when we are trying to recall the answer and then we remember. It felt like this but much stronger.)

The message is: “If you don’t learn from this, you will need to do it all over again.”

I was shook. I looked around, wondering what happened. Who was “communicating” with me? This was my point zero.

Was that a “supernatural” power? (I didn’t use the term “God” yet.)

My Root Programming Changed

For the first time in my adult life, my thinking started to shift. From “I just let life (other people) lead me where it goes” to “I must really do something about my life.” That was when I began to really, really start thinking about how I wanted to lead my life.

After I converted to Christianity, I started to internalize that at that moment, it was God who “reached out” to me, or I managed to “want badly enough” for God to pass that piece of information to me.

Since then, I haven’t had such moment again in my life. Yes, there are still moments where I think that God is speaking to me, but nothing as strong as this.

Without this experience, I don’t think I would have been able to muster enough “belief energy” to walk this journey of seeking God (need to continously believe that there is really a God). With this experience, I don’t need to muster “belief energy” because I now know.

Knowing that God exists didn’t mean I understood how life or God works. I still had many questions, and the conflicting beliefs and dilemmas remain unclear.

I don’t doubt whether God exists. I only doubt our understanding of God.

However, I know God exists. Since then, I embark on a journey to seek clarity and understanding without being shaken by doubts about God’s existence.

This moment was a turning point, shaking the foundations of my understanding and pushing me to reconsider everything I believed about life and existence. It marked the beginning of a profound journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening, one that would forever change the way I approached life.

If you are facing certain difficulties in life, I hope you can re-member, God exists.