GOING THROUGH A MELTDOWN — I NEED HELP

Yes I need help, more often than not I whine, I get angry, I get defensive but since last few days I am going through one of the worst phases of my life. On the exterior, there is nothing wrong, a good job, no stress, good friends, a lovely wife and an adorable son. In fact one of my closest friends has finally come to Bangalore. I should have been very happy.

But the issue is I am not happy. I feel lost, not able to focus on work, not able to decide what to do next, not even sure what will excite me. I am sitting on a ticking time bomb. Financially, mentally and even professionally. When we can articulate our problems, when we know what things we are doing or is going wrong then it makes sense in taking any steps.But right now I am lost.

I am not one of those people who likes to do the 9–6 job, come to office, punch the time-sheet, have coffee, do chitchat and then move on back home. That is what I have been doing for last few months.

There was a phase in my life 2 years back when I was given a choice, either to work in my current role or to look for a role that I want to. At that time I chose a compromise, but coming out of that compromise is not easy. I have been whining for last few months now, even yesterday my wife summarized that I do not want to Work. But it took me some effort to explain that I want to work more than ever but I want to work on something that excites me, in which I feel passionate about. I just do not want to do just another job but want to help others in bringing positive change to their lives. But in hind side I feel I am unable to bring change to my own life, how can I bring change to other’s life.

Even my friends have grown distant and weary of me, I am feeling like a bad apple or the dirty fish who is impacting others negatively. But I do not know how to cope with it. This is not the first time I am writing about this,but probably this is the most dire time that I am going through mentally. Either I will be a very positive man after this or I will be completely devastated.

Now the question is,what I am going to do about it. As they say how to plan. So this post is more about summarizing my plan till I pass through it, but this drudgery or boredom or the crisis is something I have to face. For long, I have created a bubble around me and that is now pulling me down. So here is my plan which I want to follow and come out of this downhill period:

1. Continue Writing — Writing has helped me a lot to come out of some of the most difficult phases of my life and I will continue writing.
2. Meeting People & Making Friends — When you are alone and you stop socializing, you create walls and it become very difficult to come out. It is important to meet people, make new friends and also reach out to people for help which I am sure will give me strength
3. Keep Believing — One of the worst things that I feel every day is that I am loosing confidence in me and my capabilities I always question myself with all the failures, am I good enough or am I some one who just scratches the surface and not going beneath the surface and specializing. So during this period I feel it is utmost important that I need to believe in my capabilities and have faith in me for its the inner strength that will help me to come out of this period.
4. Be Positive — I have been filled with negativity for too long and I feel it has been feeding and consuming me. It is very important I be positive as only being positive can help me help to move forward.
5. Keep Moving & Keep Learning — I want to keep learning & keep moving as I can not afford to be stagnant, as one of the biggest issues one can face in today’s fast paced world will be to fall back. Today is the day of people who can move and who are agile and who can bring change. For me this is one of the key things that I will be focusing.
6. Plan-Execute-Close & Do not Procrastinate — For long I have been piling things and that has cost me a lot of issues. I have not planned properly and also I have not closed open items of my life and this has impacted my credibility both personally and professionally. I will focus on completing my activities and here is where I am focusing on Personal Kanban. The below web App is the outcome of my last few weeks of doing noting and hope it will help me improve how I do my work and I will adhere to Plan-Execute-Close and see how it goes. I will keep updating on how I have been performing am open to feedback.

1. Financial Planning & Cleanup — For long I have let my finances be a mess. Today I do not have a decent savings, lot of loans and I stare to a future where I can never take a decent break and plan for something new. There are lot of dependents and lot of dark corners in my finances, I want to clean it and finally want to come out of it a much better person. One of the biggest woes today I have is the credit card outstanding this is something I want to close asap. I am sure once I close my credit card outstanding and stop using credit to maximum extent I can plan better and can save more. So this is in top of my agenda.

Finally yes I have put so many plans but at the end I still need help of all the people who have faith in me, who like me or even who just see me. Last and not the least I want to work hard for myself and feel better once I am done with this.