The Talk- Racism, Violence, Police Brutality — MissKorang
Our world is rife with man’s inhumanity to man; racism and violence, police brutality, tribalism, sexism, and , and and. How do parents, who themselves struggle to make sense of these things help their children process and manage their feelings about such things? How do parents discuss the ongoing protests, riots and political rhetoric with children? Truth. Tell the truth and temper it with child-appropriateness.
My Personal Introduction To A Wicked World
Somewhere in the year 1989, I was a precocious six year old, my favorite past-time, hiding in the shadows and eavesdropping adult conversation. One fateful evening, I heard more than my little ears and innocent heart could contain, my parents and their guests, discussing an impending war in a country quite close to our home country.
They discussed a lot and mentioned names I cared less about, and then, my mother asked a question, “ what about mothers and their children, where will they go? How will a woman escape such violence when the nation’s transport system breaks down?” “They’ll walk. Through the forests, at night, towards neighboring countries or other peace sanctuaries.” One of the guests responded. “How will small children survive such long journeys on foot, suppose a woman has four children like me, the last being six like my Adwoa?” “Monica, it’s war, people don’t just die of gunshots on the battlefield, starvation kills some, medical emergencies does its part, and when children get exhausted on the escape route, they drop dead and the survivors continue”, I heard my father say. After his answer there was a long, long pause.
Well damn!
I cried myself to insomnia that night. That night was my rude awakening to the wickedness so rife in our world. What is wrong with these adults? Why are they killing each other and killing children? And who walks away from their child? What if vultures eat the child’s eyes or would stray dogs? Would the mother cry or would she be too dehydrated to have any tears? What about the surviving children, would they miss their dead sibling? My imagination took my fear and confusion and ran wild. It was a long, long, long night.
My mother noticed my bloodshot eyes and my distress the next morning and quizzed me. I narrated my fear about their conversation to her. She knelt in front of me and looked me dead in the face, “that war might not happen, our President and other Presidents are trying to stop it”, she said, “and if it does happen, that war is far, far away from us, so far away it will not affect us in any way. Nobody is going to leave you to die of exhaustion. Go get ready for school.”
My Present
It is June 2020, I am thirty-six years old and some, and I have four children of my own. I am an immigrant in the United States, an immigrant mother of four little children. My children and I just saw thousands of people, of all colors, on TV march in the streets in protest of police brutality, in protest of George Floyd’s murder.
And my son has questions, particularly of one placard, held by a young boy perched on an adult male’s shoulders, it read, “Am I next? Black Lives Matter” “Mommy what are so many people doing in the streets? And why is that boy holding that thing that says, “Am I next? Is he next what? Mommy, are you sad? Mommy say something.” And as I look into the enquiring eyes of my eldest child, my eight year old son, I find myself pivoting back to that morning in 1989, wishing I had my mother’s luxury of saying, “it is far away from us.”
It is too close for comfort. It is in the shadows lurking around.It is white supremacy. It is racism and violence, racial violence. It is the remnants of centuries of slavery and oppression, and generations of willful blindness. It is the way white people treat black people unfairly; criminalizing us, while projecting their fragility.
It is convenient, Eurocentric Christianity and veiled hypocrisy. It is a 911 call away. It is one mistake, one wrong turn, one red light away. It is an address in the ‘wrong’ neighborhood. It is a false accusation away. It is moments of hate and, spite. It is fear of who you are; the melanin in your skin. It is abuse of power, of privilege. It is arrogant, irresponsible rhetoric; the sale of hate for hope. It is ignorance and foolhardy; bigotry. It is wickedness, the very heart of man.
Intentional & Proactive Efforts
In our household, parents don’t lie to children; leadership by example, well as much as possible. Especially not on the issue of racism, and violence, police brutality and our blackness. That would be making our children fodder for bigots.
But how do you broach such a touchy subject as racial profiling and police brutality, racism and violence with a child and not scar them, make them fearful, timid even, when their kindred is at the receiving end? I asked my good friend, “ how do I tell him?” She said, “ let him lead with the questioning, answer those questions. His line of questioning tells how much he can understand and take. But whatever you do, tell him the truth.” Gauge my eyes out! My eight year old could win a Pulitzer prize for interrogation. Here goes nothing…
“Mommy say something?”
We read a lot of books in our home. It is our way of not just teaching our children to read, but to keep them curious, wondering, interested in things they can and cannot see. It is to keep them excited and eager to see more than their immediate world. It is to educate them about people, cultures, races, history, the good, the bad, the sad, the beautiful, the ugly.
We’ve read everything; planets, oceans, mountains, ancient civilizations, politics, food, people, sports, animals, and, and, and. They particularly love to learn about animals. And kudos to those wonderful authors who so brilliantly write in child language, and make the most difficult topics easy to discuss. A book about snakes brilliantly concluded thus: “ Some snakes are very poisonous and a danger to you, and others aren’t at all. But since you are not a snake expert yet and don’t know which is which, treat all snakes the same; as a danger to you. When you encounter a snake, don’t try to pet it or kill it. Leave as much space between you and the beast and call an adult.”
On our library trips, we let the children go wild in their choices; Adventures of Nate the Great, Pete the Cat, Dancing Moon, Little Blue Truck, How to Grow Dragons, the list goes on and on. Then we carefully pick that one book, the one that talks about us and why we show up in society the way we do, why we experience the world the way we do.
We’ve read somber topics like ancient African empires, the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, Slavery, Abolition of Slavery, Apartheid, Jim Crow, Racism and violence, The KKK, shopping for shoes in the era of segregation, Colonialism and the fight for independence, and so on.
We’ve read about people, black men and women, heroes, who prove it is possible to flourish in-spite of; Kwame Alexander, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Lebron James, Barack and Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Jerome Adams, and, and, and. And we’ve read lighter topics like Barbershops and their significance in black communities, growing an afro — gravity defying hair, tap dance, music, and so on. That is how I say something. That is how I intentionally, pointedly teach my children about race, their race, their ancestry, their history, their heritage and their present.
“Mommy what are so many people doing in the streets?”
These people who march on the streets, they march for us, our today and tomorrow. They march to make your future better, safer, devoid of the discrimination, racism and violence entrenched in the very systems that stack the odds against you when it should stack them for you. They march because they are tired of being broken hearted and disgusted. Because their humanity requires them to, because silence is complicit.
There are some on the streets who don’t necessarily have a dog in this fight, but they’re fighting nonetheless, because they understand the Godly concept of ‘I am because you are’, and that all life comes from God, and in His eyes, we all are equal; human his creation, fearfully and wonderfully made. They march because a white policeman hurt a black man when he should have served and protected him, a clear act of hatred, and this is people’s way of saying “put value on life, all lives, black lives included!” They need to let people know black lives matter because it appears not everybody knows that basic concept.
“But why? Why do they hate him?”
This is where the many books we’ve read and the many subtle conversations we’ve had aid me most. “Do you remember the book on slavery? What about the civil war? Jim Crow? The Declaration of Independence? Juneteenth?” Many people still carry biases, enforced by centuries of slavery and oppression; that black people are inferior, dangerous, and must be cowered and tamed with acts of violence and racism.
Some of these people take their biases with them into important jobs like politics, medicine and policing, and thus treat black people and other people of color callously. And these hate motivated incidences keep repeating because perpetrators keep getting away with it; they have access to attorneys and they are privileged to have the laws on their side a lot of the time.
There are great people too, in all professions. There are many good cops who will treat everyone with empathy and the respect they deserve. But like snakes, since you don’t have the expertise to know which is which, be wary of all of them.
“Will I be next? Will they do same to me?”
I take a bathroom break for this one. I don’t want my son to see my distress, the tear streaming down my face, neither do I want him to hear me utter obscenities.
We migrated to escape unemployment and poverty. Or did we? Did we trade one problem for another?
Dear God help us. Here goes nothing… again…
There are many black men, who like you were once black boys, who have made it in-spite of. Remember Jerome Adams, Surgeon General of the United States? Barack Obama, the first black President of the United States , Michael Jordan, Lebron James, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Denzel Washington, Charles Hamilton Houston, Kwame Alexander and so on? They all made it despite the road blocks, and they have and are still changing the narrative for black people.
Will they do same to you? If they get the chance. A big (silent expletive) IF. That is why we make good choices. Stay out of trouble. That is why “you don’t do it if you don’t want Mom or Dad to know you did it.” That is why you keep your head down. That is why you talk to an adult you trust when something doesn’t feel right or you just don’t understand it. That is why we do our little police-encounter drill. When a policeman/woman approaches you what do you do?
“ I show my hands. I say my name. I tell my age. And I say, “ I don’t have anything that can hurt you, to put them at ease.” I do as they say. Then I contact you or Dad as soon as possible.”
And last but definitely not least, that is why we pray.
Long prayer:
“Our father…… lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…”
Short prayer:
“Dear Lord Jesus, please help me.”
All will be well son. All will be well. But even as I reassure my eight year old, and myself, a nagging question lingers somewhere in the deep recesses of consciousness: “Good choices? What did Michael Brown do wrong, Breonna Taylor, Tamir Rice, Philandro Castille, Sandra Bland, George Floyd?” Who sentenced them to death?
These books (suitable for adults) may help you begin the hard and uncomfortable journey of discussing races:
But I push those thoughts away. I cannot afford to not be positive. I have to keep hope alive for our young family, for my beautiful brown boys and girls.
And from the deep recesses of my consciousness again, comes a poem, by Langston Hughes:
“Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair….
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back…”
So son, all will be well. All things will be well. All manner of things will be well.
I had to have the talk with my son. The talk about racism and violence. He is eight. Let that sink in.
Explore Resources
Regardless of your the hue of your skin and what your ethnicity is, you may find yourself needing to have the tough discussion of of race, racism and violence with your own children. Do not sweat it at all, there are great resources available to help you have these crucial conversation, a few are listed below:
A list of children’s books that aid race conversations
© MissKorang. All rights reserved.
Originally published at https://misskorang.com on July 7, 2020.
