8 things I’ve learned since moving to San Francisco
From unpopular nicknames to disconcerting toilet design, here are some friendly words of warning for anyone arriving from outside of the USA
It’s been six months since I moved to San Francisco from London and it’s been wonderfully disorientating. While the language and weather make the city feel familiar, there are many aspects that seem either strange or completely alien to me as a Brit. Here’s a round-up of the most important* lessons I’ve learned so far.
- Don’t call it San Fran
Nothing identifies you as an outsider as efficiently as referring to San Francisco as “San Fran”. The two syllables hit locals like cringe-inducing bullets. Pew, pew!
To fit in, you’ve either got to say the whole mouthful or — if you want to give the impression that you’ve lived in the Bay Area since before the tech invasion — refer to it as “The City”.
The nickname that polarises opinion is “Frisco”. BuzzFeed okayed its use in January 2016, citing support for the moniker from Jack Kerouac, Janis Joplin, Dr Dre and Frank Zappa. However, there’s still a significant and vocal part of the population for whom Frisco is anathema. So, depending on your audience, uttering the term will either mean immediate banishment to Alcatraz or instant millennial acceptance. Use at your peril.
2. You have to start using cheques — sorry, checks — again
It’s been about 20 years since anyone in the UK has used a cheque (spelled check here). But Americans love them. They love them so much that you have to actually BUY them. My landlord will only accept our ludicrously expensive rent in the form of a cheque. Any attempts to use a convenient payment method like a bank transfer or standing order have been met with side-eyed suspicion. This means that each month I have to take a piece of paper onto which I have drawn a signature that I can no longer faithfully replicate to a physical office where I trade it with a lady for a handwritten receipt. WHAT IS THIS MARY POPPINS MADNESS?
There is, however, a silver lining to this nonsense. Not only can you change the cheque’s font to a befitting ye-olde-English script but you can also enhance it with a bumper sticker slogan. Here are some of the genuine options available to me as a Bank of America customer:
- Horses are my life!
- My cat understands me
- I love rock-n-roll (nothing says rock-n-roll like chequebook customisation)
- Livin’ large and takin’ charge
- Ask me about my tomatoes (this is a trap for Brits)
3. Coffee is no joking matter
I am fairly particular about my coffee and have always eschewed the big chains in favour of independent cafes that focus on quality over quantity. But San Francisco has taken the art of caffeination to a whole new level of artisanal wankery. If it hasn’t been partially digested by a Pier 39 sea lion before journeying through an elaborate Breaking Bad chemistry set then it simply won’t cut it.
4. They enjoy queuing even more than Brits
British people are widely mocked for our love of queuing, but it turns out that the good people of Frisco love it even more — they’ve just given it a different name: waiting in line. The hardcore line lovers show up in droves at brunchtime, drawn like magnets to terms like “farm to table”, “urban rustic food” and “millionaire’s bacon”.
5. Good cheese will bankrupt you
Standard American cheese appears to only come in three forms: radioactive orange, sliced rubber and unearthly spray. Varieties labeled as “sharp” wouldn’t even register as a tremor on the European cheese Richter Scale.
Discerning turophiles can find more pungent styles through a smattering of cheese boutiques, fromageries and creameries, but you’ll have to sell your first born to afford them.
6. All bars have TVs
It doesn’t matter whether you are in a sports bar (where it makes sense), a hipster dive bar or a swanky cocktail bar, they all have one thing in common: television screens in every corner. Not even Top of the Mark, a high-end martini bar on the 19th floor of the Mark Hopkins hotel known for its “spectacular breathtaking views of the San Francisco skyline, Bay and Golden Gate Bridge” escapes the telly box’s vice-like grip.
These screens act like conversational black holes, overwhelming all other chat forces until the only thing you can talk about is the One Second Slicer informercial. “Why yes, I am tired of slicing and dicing by hand and bulky slicers that clutter my countertop.”
7. You have to call walks “hikes”
In the UK, donning wellies and trudging through the woods and hills for a brisk couple of hours before lunch is called “going for a walk”. It only becomes a hike when ankle-supporting boots, poles and camel packs are required, and such gear should only make an appearance if strictly necessary.
Here in San Francisco, any journey longer than 10 minutes that takes place outside of an Uber is considered “a hike”. These “hikes” are done in full sportswear, no matter how few calories are likely to be burned and selfies must be taken every 10 paces otherwise said “hike” did not technically happen.
8. The toilets are terrifying
Public bathrooms are already a nightmare for anyone with performance anxiety, but a number of design idiosyncrasies make the American restroom experience unique in its capacity to induce sphincter shyness.
First up is the lack of privacy. Not only is there typically a very large open space between the floor of the cubicle and the base of the door and walls but there are also inch-wide gaps running up each side of the door, where the hinges and locks are located. Because of this, the door acts as more of a fig leaf than a privacy screen which, in turn, has led to several cases of stream-shrivelling eye contact with people waiting in line.
In those cases where the toilet cubicle is fully enclosed, there’s another adversary: the push button lock. This is where instead of sliding or twisting some sort of bolt you have to press a button at the centre of the handle to lock the door. Twisting the knob or handle automatically unlocks the door, so you are never quite sure the door is secured. Compounding the issue is the sheer size of these bathrooms — bigger than most people’s apartments — means that you can’t reach to keep the door closed with a precautionary foot.
*Mostly pretty dumb and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but there are plenty of people writing eloquently about the city’s real issues elsewhere.
