Me: Hello, whats up?

Her: Nothing really. I just wanted to talk to you.

Me: Ok. I see. You miss me. I understand. You never got over me. How can anyone get over such a charming, sexy and intelligent person like me? Its Ok. I completely understand. Let your feelings out baby!

Her: No, actually I called you because I wanted to speak to an asshole.

Me: I’m flattered that you thought of me.

Her: Who else could I think of? But I think you might be losing your touch.

Me: Losing my touch? In being an asshole? Never!

Her: Yes, earlier when we were going out, you used to answer the phone with- “What do you want?” Now, you at least say “Hello”, like a normal person.

Me: Please don’t compare me to normal people. I hate normal people. Its just that I’ve learnt to pretend to give a damn. Anyway what is it that you wanted to talk about?

Her: Its nothing. I was feeling a bit weird the day before yesterday and I just wanted to talk to someone who says things like they are. Of late, all the people I’m surrounded with always keep sucking up to me. Its kind of irritating.

Me: Oh please. Don’t flatter yourself.

Her: Its true! I’ve got guys lining up for me!

Me: Imaginary guys? Yeah, I hear they’re all over the place.

Her: I’m lucky you didn’t call yesterday. I was sloshed! This conversation would’ve been much more difficult then.

Me: Wait. I thought you didn’t drink? Isn’t that what you told me a couple of months back when you wanted to meet so we could start being friends again?

Her: Um…

Me: You said you didn’t want to go to a bar, because you didn’t drink!

Her: Well, I just didn’t want to drink with you. I don’t trust you.

Me: Trust me?!

Her: Yeah! You might decide all of a sudden, that you don’t want to drop me off back to my place and what am I gonna do then?! I can’t very well go home alone at 2 am in the morning, can I? I still remember how you kept me waiting at that mall for almost 6 hours and then finally turned up and left after just 3 minutes, saying you had somewhere to be!

Me: That was one time! And it was bright and sunny outside. You could’ve easily made you way home on your own! I would never drop a girl in the middle of the road at 2 am, just because I’m not feeling like making an unnecessarily long trip! I’m not that bad, come on!

Her: I’m not so sure.

Me: Well, even if I did, Chennai is a pretty safe place. I’m sure you can find your way back home without any trouble. There are Taxis aplenty. I regularly travel at hours well past midnight and nothing’s happened to me!

Her: Oh really? You think Chennai is safe?

Me: Of course! The people here are so timid! Its not like Delhi, the de facto rape capital of India!

Her: Well, for your information, just a week ago, someone grabbed at my boobs while I was stuck in traffic in a Taxi. What’s more, my boyfriend was sitting right next to me! Right next to me!

Me: Hahahah! Oh man. Really? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh, but that’s just so goddamn funny! Did the boyfriend get down and beat the shit out of the guy?

Her: No.

Me: What a pussy.

Her: He’s evolved. And I don’t like my boyfriends to get into fights for me.

Me: Oh please. Every girl secretly wants her man to fight for her. Its hardwired into your brains.

Her: Would you have? Beaten the shit out of the guy?

Me: Well that depends. If the guy was weak and scrawny, then I would’ve. I’m smart. I don’t start fights that I know I can’t win.

Her: Just what a girl wants to hear- “I’ll fight him if he’s weak and scrawny.”

Me: Hey! Smart is the new sexy!

Her: I’m sure. Speaking of smart, Avijeet called me up a couple of days back. You know, the guy you were so insecure about?

Me: I was not insecure. I’m never insecure. I just didn’t like him hitting on you when we were going out! That pretentious twat!

Her: Oh sure.

Me: Anyway, I’m not in the least bit bothered by him anymore. I’ve moved so far up ahead of him, that he has to use a goddamn telescope just to see where I am! What’s that loser up to these days? Waiting for his Dad to get old so he can take over the family business?

Her: Basically, yeah. You know he never even completed high school. He’s a high-school dropout!

Me: Hahahah! Dumb fucker. If only more people were like me, the world would’ve been a much better place. We would’ve colonized Jupiter’s moons by now! They should make clones of me. For the sake of humanity!

Her: Still the arrogant, narcissistic asshole, I see.

Me: People don’t change.

Her: But I do sense some change in you.

Me: Oh really?

Her: You seem less of an asshole now, somehow.

Me: Well as I said, I’ve learned how to act better.

Her: No, no. I think its something else. Have you met someone?

Me: Hahaha! Yes I have. She is the love of my life! We’re getting married next week! You’re not invited to the wedding.

Her: Fine. If you don’t want to talk about it, just say so.

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Her: Oh, you poor thing. Are you reduced to having sex with your hand?

Me: Fuck off.

Her: Hahaha! I hit a nerve I see.

Me: There are things that are more important that sex.

Her: Sure there are.

Me: Goodnight. I’ve got work to do.

Her: Goodnight.