Keep moving

Almost a year ago exactly I was let go from my job when the company decided to get rid of my department. It was my fifth time being laid off in my career (marketing isn’t exactly stable). The next day my husband left his dream job. Things were transitioning there, too, and the constant stress and uncertainty were taking a toll. So there we were, just weeks before Christmas with no jobs. It was stressful, but it worked out just like it had the four times before that.

Today is technically my last day on paid leave. I feel like the universe feels badly about it and maybe that is why I am not nauseous (!!!). I’ve been at my job for almost a year, but I was consulting until August. Even though I wasn’t diagnosed until the end of October, the third party company that handles leave is investigating me for having a pre-existing condition (which would deny me long-term leave). The whole thing seems so absurd, and my doctors are as mad as I am. Since the investigation takes weeks, we are currently just sitting and waiting.

As frustrating and awful as this is, other people have it worse. I’ve been (very) honest with HR with how terrible it is to deal with this while on chemo, and they have been understanding and supportive. I won’t be losing my insurance regardless. But what if I was with another company? Or part time? Or had been diagnosed in August? There aren’t a lot of options out there. Disability requires you to be sick for at least a year. Many chemo plans are 6–8 months. Many can’t work on chemo, and I can’t imagine trying to apply for jobs or start somewhere new while dealing with this. This is how lives are destroyed. My worst-case is that I lose a month of pay and then have to work a partial schedule (from home) while on chemo. As awful as this has been, I can’t ignore that in this particular nightmare I am almost lucky. I have options.

For whatever reason I am not nauseous this round, so I am going to enjoy my coffee and bask in being able to sit up. Both my health and financial security are up in the air right now, but there isn’t a lot we can do about it. Worrying only makes it worse, so we are focusing on other things. Christmas decorations, fun projects with the boys, video games, home projects. Sometimes that is what it means to just keep moving.