What my father taught me without even trying
My father died less than two weeks ago, and I miss him terribly.
I could expatiate on how he loved me, and how he taught me the merits of juggling several different careers at once. I could describe his success as a medical doctor, an every day lifter-up of persons (including strangers) and a writer.
I could produce a beautiful listicle of his different characteristics: someone who believed in making a great first impression through punctuality, his unwavering work ethic, his unashamed faith (at the turn of his key to open a car/office/house my father would say ‘in Jesus’ name’), his meaningful friendships with people from all walks of life and different religions, and the way little children always gravitated towards him.
I could declare that I know my father loved me so much that he would die for me if he had to, and there was never any doubt in my mind.
These however, are things that he consciously wanted me to learn or know.
Over the past few days I’ve found myself recollecting some of the things my dad did that he probably never realized would have a lasting impression on me.
In no particular order here they are:
Over a decade ago my dad and I were driving in his car. I cannot even remember how this conversation started, but he was speaking about a French artist who had died around that time. As he was rounding off what he was saying he concluded, ‘well…he was just a troubled soul’. I wish I could explain how much compassion, respect, understanding and gentleness my dad said that with.
He was someone who was always very compassionate about people’s situations and ailments, whether physical, mental or otherwise. He would always lend an ear, treat (if he could), or offer assistance or signpost you to someone else who could help further. He would always say a prayer after giving tangible help. We all need compassion, but it is just as necessary to be able to show compassion to someone else.
Rest was a very important part of his life. He would literally take power naps whenever he could, and full nights of sleep. My cousin has said just thinking about everything dad achieved in his life makes her feel tired, how did he do it all? I believe the emphasis he placed on rest, together with starting each new day fresh had something to do with it. If he couldn’t achieve all his objectives in one day, that didn’t stop him from getting rest. He was a very ‘one-day-at-a-time’ person, so by the end of his life he accumulated so much quality and excellence, which he probably never even realized he was doing!This reminds me to take a step-by-step approach to my goals. It is physically impossible and extremely stressful to try and do everything at once. Slow and steady wins the marathon, and perhaps even more important- even if not wins, gets you to the finish line.
M y father had a collection of close to 100 ties in various colours and patterns. Apparently when he was younger, bow-ties were his thing. He loved different colours in his clothing too, and would go to work usually with a pastel shirt and a patterned tie. He loved to keep his hair (head and facial) well trimmed, and always wore perfume.
As much as my cosmetic and fashion habits have been learned from my mum, I’ve learned just as much from my dad. I remember him once showing off to me that when he was younger he would wear ‘twice knotted ties’ with the tie extending out from the neck just a little bit before falling, just to give more of a ‘wow’ effect. He physically demonstrated to me that it’s ok to be a fashionable professional, and can be very fun. He had a sense of style that evolved. His wardrobe still included a lovely coat from the 70’s. He also had some traditional African printed attires (which are typical in Nigeria to make). Style was important to him.
Dad did things without expecting anything in return. There were so many times I was angry on his behalf for the way I felt he was treated, or when opportunities were purposely passed over him. There were times I wanted to yell to him to just focus on himself. But you know what? Helping and being useful and emptying himself of everything to pour it all back into people was what made him happiest! And who was I or anyone else to get in his way?!
By the end of his life I honestly think he had achieved that point of ‘faith through actions’ where you do it because you know it’s the right thing to do regardless of you not getting a ‘thank you’. And given the chance the next day to do it again for the same person, you do it again. My dad was one who really wanted to let God work through him while on this earth. I’m not yet at that point of selflessness dad, but now I know it can be reached!
Watching my dad lift both hands in the air and sway and dance and fully enjoy good music had the effect of making music a very big deal in all our lives. My dad loved it all, whether it was seeing/hearing Aretha Franklin, to which he would shout ‘ahhhh sister soul!’, or humming along with the hook to this ABBA song, or dancing with my mum to one of their songs- ‘Nakei Nairobi’ by Mbilia Bel(side note: the lyrics to my parents’ song are actually quite touching, telling a story of the lengths a friend will go to for another friend). Music is one of the most enjoyable things to my family, from lyrics to melodies, and daddy solidified our love for it.
When my baby brother died, my father announced it to my sisters and I by saying the following words that together with his expression of stoic sadness, will forever be etched into my memory:
‘Praise the Lord…we lost your brother.’
While my parents were heartbroken and shed so many tears in the months after, they both had this way of holding on to faith in spite of pains, trials and tribulations they endured. Yes, dad did encourage me to explore my own faith and pray, but him living out his before my eyes, through his actions, has cemented his message more than any words he spoke could have. God bless him for that.
Owning your personal ish is something we all struggle with. We humans can all be defensive at times. My dad valiantly fought, and won his battle over alcohol, and had been 100% clean for the past 16 years. I will never forget two things regarding this battle:
- He told me I was free to ‘share his testimony’ with my friends, and I know it’s so we could give hope to those who have similar struggles.
- He always maintained a selection of top quality wines and spirits in our house to offer to visitors who wanted some. He didn’t believe that his choice not to partake should stop others from enjoying in front of him.
My lesson from this is that it’s ok to call your shortcoming by its name, and (if you’re comfortable) to be open about it with others. From my experience it also takes away the power from anyone who may want to use it against you. You own it.
Once when I was about 8 years old, I asked my dad what he thought would happen to the devil at the end of time (yes, I was an inquisitive child who thought of these things, and yes, my parents encouraged us to think of faith, science and art…we lived within the junction of all three after all). Anyway, my father’s response was quite interesting. He said that he hoped the devil would apologize to God, and peace would reign again. Back in mid 90’s northern Nigeria, this would have been quite controversial thinking, especially when we weren’t as strong in our faith as we would become in later years. However dad’s willingness to discuss such issues in an open and straightforward way with a kid, and maybe even greater- his openness about his own imagination of the spiritual realm, was probably the birth of the philosophical curiosity within me.
Looking back I can see that what daddy was trying to say was, ‘child, it is ok to ask questions. Even if I cannot answer them, let’s discuss together.’ That is the attitude that I carry on now, even when I discuss faith with my friends from other monotheistic, agnostic, and atheistic backgrounds. And I have had many fruitful discussions.
Over the years dad and I would grow and expand our personal philosophies, our faith, have areas of agreement and disagreement, and discuss our crises (note the plural) of faith and identity at times.
The point is that my dad encouraged philosophy. I loved his brand of faith, really having conversations with God in his everyday life, whilst using his hands and his medical books, herbal remedies and manufactured medications in his career as a physician. It is for this reason I am able to see science and faith as not being mutually exclusive. His creative mind caused him to always ask questions, and he showed me that this is to be encouraged. It is human to have doubts and fears, it is ok to not have answers or explanations for every single thing. It is encouraged to keep challenging yourself to learn and develop your personal philosophies, and if you are so inclined, your faith.
Nature child. Funny enough, the lyrics of the song with a very similar title always reminded me of my dad. I use this title to describe my dad’s love for planting flowers, shrubs and trees, and his dedication to caring for them by himself. He also kept at least 5 animals at once for all the years I’d known him. Oh how he loved to feed them. All his animals would start making so much noise as soon as they heard his car driving into the compound. They knew his voice too!
Dad would insist on us taking walks in our compound with our bare feet on the gravel, so we could get a natural massage. He insisted we get enough play time outside, and when we were younger, gave each of us a small patch of land to plant garden veggies on. I don’t have much of a green thumb naturally, but I appreciate how important it is for us all to connect with nature on some level.
Resilience. My dad had his fair share of personal struggles, dark moments marked by intense discouragement and some periods of depression (I don’t use this word lightly at all)…YET he made it to the finish line a victor! The greatest lesson my dad has taught me in his death is that regardless of whatever you go through in life, be it any kind of set-back, be it your own inner struggle that no one knows about, you too can finish in victory! I’d like to encourage you to really meditate on, and internalize this statement.
This in particular keeps encouraging me. Because everyone who looks at all he was able to achieve in his personal and professional life would probably think he had it all easy, which couldn’t be further from the truth! Being a nearly 30 year old woman who struggles with anxiety, on the worst of days I’ve often found myself praying through tears to be able to still achieve all I’d like to in my life. Even more daunting perhaps is when I think there are maybe 40 or 50 more years of life left to live that need good quality (hoping I live that long lol). So seeing daddy do it proves it can be done!
Lastly, and this one is for the little girl within me: seeing daddy do something always made it less scary. Knowing daddy went somewhere before me meant it was safe. Knowing he would be waiting for me in that place took all my worries away.
I pray to God to, and will gear all my efforts towards living just as fulfilled a life as my dad. And when it is my time to sleep eternally, I’m now less scared because daddy has done it already, and he will be there to welcome me with his warm hugs that have always made me feel so safe.
This article was published in the Medium Life Tips Publication. To join over 40,000 others who enjoy authentic stories of people improving their life,follow us.
