High on Life. Credit: EL Bibliomata 

Write under the influence

A sober writer is a pretentious writer

Choose your drug: alcohol, marijuana, mushrooms… Any one of these will make your writing better, especially if you’re writing something personal.

Writing is only interesting to other people if it is deeply revealing. Your brain has a self defense mechanism which prevents you from divulging too much of yourself to perfect strangers. Fortunately, this mechanism can be easily bypassed with chemicals.

If you’re not terrified to click the little green publish button, drink more and rewrite.

Sober writers love to use fancy shit like semicolons. Nobody likes to see a semicolon. I see sobriety stains all over writing these days. I think, “Damn, this piece has a chance to be good but the author is too busy looking at their pompous smile in the mirror.”

Ever wonder why old time writers like Hemingway seem so much better than the 21st century crop? It’s because they were plastered out of their mind and kept sentences short and passionate. Also, no fucking semicolons.

Sober writers tend to use that long hyphen a lot. I think it is called an em dash. Fortunately, the brain cells which control your ego also control your ability to remember which keystroke combination makes that stupid dash. After a couple of stiff White Russians you will accidentally be zooming your screen instead of poisoning your work with genetically modified hyphens.

Readers want juicy details of your life. Such things are too embarrassing to publish when you’re sober. While under the influence I can tell you about the time I farted during an 8th grade math test. Stone cold silence was shattered with a squeeler. The kids around me asked the teacher if they could move to another table to escape the smell. I drank too much orange juice that morning. My stomach can’t digest orange juice properly.

If you’re having a hard time getting rambunctious enough to write without fear, try this little trick: Imagine yourself with a thick Irish accent and you’re playing darts in a Dublin bar. Some random drunk bloch walks over to you and slaps the Guinness out of your hand. Can you imagine what would happen next? Yeah, the Irish aren’t known for their restraint. Your writing shouldn’t have any restraint either.

Lastly, know when to quit. Don’t waste our time with filler paragraphs. Act as if all of your readers are also drunk. Drunk people don’t want to read giant walls of text that drag on for ages. They want as few words as possible to get the point across so they can get back to their porn and cat memes.

I should publish this before I sober up.

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More of my work can be found on Silvrback, my new blogging platform as clean as medium which allows you to have control over your own brand.