I Truly Enjoy Parenting (And I’m Not Lying)
I’ve seen a number of articles lately — on Medium and elsewhere — that make the accusation that parents are lying when they talk about how wonderful parenting is. That we’re just trying to cultivate this social media persona where we have all of our shit together and lead this perfect life.
Anyone who follows me on Twitter & Facebook would tell you that I’m a person who puts all my cards on the table, good & bad. I’ve written a bit about the challenges of breastfeeding, about the difficulty in overcoming attachment with regards to going back to the workplace after maternity leave, and about the judgement received from other parents. I’ve chronicled the devastating loss of my Boxer to lymphoma, the trials & tribulations of buying and selling real estate in San Diego, along with the ups and downs that come with being a woman in tech. But I’ve also been quite vocal about how much I love parenting, how it’s been the greatest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and about how my son is world’s most perfect baby (because he is). I don’t like being accused of lying.
I have a 7 month old, and I’ve never once been sleep deprived. He sleeps a glorious 11–12 hours a night, and now naps for 2–4 hours a day as well. He has always slept for 10–12 hours a night, even as a newborn. He never had any “sleep regressions”. He sleeps on his own now, but is just as happy to sleep alongside me. He never cries unless he’s hungry, wants to be changed, or he’s sick (which has happened twice). He’s smiley 90% of the day. He loves to go out in public, go to the zoo, go for walks, and make eyes at other people. He loves diaper changes, baths, playing with his toys, riding in the car and looking at things, being in the stroller, being in the carrier, chewing on things, you name it.
Yes, being a parent of a baby CAN be very difficult. Some/many babies are very challenging, crying for no good reason, struggling to sleep at night, requiring constant soothing, etc. Sure, it’s dishonest to paint a picture where everything is perfect when it’s not. But it’s just as dishonest to tell me that I shouldn’t talk about how everything is wonderful when truthfully, it is. Of course we don’t want to set up realistic expectations of how perfect babies are and how easy it all is. But I don’t want every new parent to expect their baby will be an awful nightmare either, because some babies truly are pleasant and dare I say easy the majority of the time.
By being honest about parenthood it helps to balance out the fairytale that people feel obligated to tell.
I don’t feel obligated to tell any story. Because my son is such a positive impact on my life, I want to talk about him. The hardest moments for me have been a result of loving him too much. I’m (overly) attached to him, so dropping him off at daycare is hard. It’s tough to find childcare up to my standards. It’s tough to watch him get vaccinations that make him ouchie. It’s tough to know that he has a fever or that he isn’t feeling good. But the daily care of Henry, the life with a baby, it’s been easy. I don’t want to be afraid to talk about those things for fear that I might offend someone who has a difficult baby, or come across as braggart.
People have a near limitless propensity to lie about their experiences in order to align them with general expectations. Events like having a child are supposed to be wonderful and perfect. You’re supposed to be loving every minute of it. You’re supposed to be overwhelmed with love and joy. And apparently you’re supposed to be telling everyone about it, every second of every day.
I actually think the expectations are more aligned with how horrible parenting is. It’s a given that when you’re a new parent you’re going to be utterly exhausted and sleep deprived for the first year, which means that if your reality doesn’t align with that, you look like you’re lying. You’re supposed to anticipate getting pooped on, not being able to soothe your screaming child. All we hear about is how new parents become shut-ins, meanwhile some of us were hiking mountains with a 3 week old child. Whenever I go anywhere with my son, random strangers say things like “good for you, it must be so hard to take him places” (it’s not), or “are you getting any sleep yet?” (since the first night home from the hospital, yes). I expected this would be way harder than it is, because that’s what society tells people.
I agree that it’s important to paint a realistic picture of what motherhood and parenting can look like. Yes, we should talk about the good and the bad. But if you read websites like ScaryMommy or articles like this, it depicts a different experience than what I’ve been happy to deal with for 7 months now. Can we just agree that all babies are different, everyone’s ability to deal with experiences is different, and therefore all of our stories will be different?
