On Cosleeping

When my son was born on September 23, 2015, I had a plan for our sleeping arrangement. I’d heard all the recommendations, read the advice on the internet, and generally felt pretty confident about our plan. Baby Henry would have his own bassinet right by the bed, a Halo Bassinest with a built-in light that swiveled conveniently over the bed. He would be swaddled, nursed to sleep, and he’d learn to sleep alone by laying flat on his back in his own little space with me close by. Or so I thought.

For the first couple of weeks, we hardly used it. His favorite sleeping position was laying his tummy to my chest, breathing hot breaths into my neck. He slept in shorter chunks, two hours at most. He nursed frequently and I slept with our reclining Sleep Number bed all the way in an upright position and held him while he slept.

At a certain point maybe two weeks in, I felt guilt about the empty bassinet and decided to go for it. We would swaddle him up and I would nurse him into a deep sleep and place him on his back in the bassinet. The first block of sleep was usually great, and definitely the longest. Sometimes I would get 3–4 hours in a row.

But anytime after that, if Henry woke up he would be unable to soothe himself back to sleep. He would nurse and then sleep and wake up again an hour later. He would grunt and fight the swaddle all night long. The second half of my night would be essentially sleepless and I would wake up exhausted. So I started to keep him in the bed after that first wake, but still in the inclined position with him in cradle hold on the Boppy in front of me. Not the most comfortable.

6 weeks in, I figured out how to breastfeed while laying on my side. This has been a real game changer. And then somehow, naturally, we slipped into a routine of me nursing him down for the night while he laid next to me. And then he just stayed there, tummy-to-tummy with me, all night.

Next thing I know, he is sleeping for six hours in a row. He is sleeping for 9–12 hours total each night, only waking up quietly to nurse. He nurses on his own, with a little help now and then with his latch. I hardly wake, yet I am always in a state where I am in tune with his movements. He nurses more, which is great for him. He gets constant skin-to-skin all night, which is proven to be good for all sorts of things like baby’s temperature regulation, bonding, breathing patterns, and sleep. He reaches out to touch me and calms himself. We breathe in the same patterns. When he moves, I wake and pay attention to make sure he is safe. I get way more sleep than most new moms. It’s blissful.

Of course, I follow the “rules” for safe cosleeping. Henry isn’t swaddled, we don’t drink alcohol or do drugs, the light blanket isn’t higher than his waist, our bed isn’t next to a wall, and there are no pillows under him. Even still, I subconsciously check on him throughout the night to make sure he is safe.

I was so reluctant to bedshare with my son because of all the SIDS scare tactics that seem to be mostly based in guesswork rather than science. My husband was discouraging it as well, because he read all the articles too. And our pediatrician made us promise that baby had his own space and wasn’t sleeping with us (don’t worry, we have a new doctor now). When you are a new parent, it’s such a battle between following the books or doing what feels right for your family. I am learning to embrace and trust my own instinct as the best possible mother to my own son, even if it means having to defend my choices or go against my doctor.

Anecdotally, almost all the new parents I talk to are currently cosleeping. Almost all of them say it’s because their baby won’t sleep alone, or that everyone gets more sleep with a bed sharing situation. Isn’t it time for the messaging to start talking about safe cosleeping with infants rather than damning the entire practice? I can tell you one thing for sure, if my baby stops breathing I won’t notice if he is in the bassinet. I will notice the instant something is wrong while he is laying right next to me in bed. That peace of mind alone improves the quality of my sleep.