The Sweet, Sweet flavour of a Guilt-Free Ice Cream
Recovering from Hypothalamic Amenorrhea was the best thing I have ever done
Last night I had ice cream with my husband, and it was the sweetest feeling. Not only because I picked the honey and caramelised macadamia flavor (the sugar hit was quite sensational), but also because I could sit down and enjoy a relaxing moment after having put our little one to sleep while hiding my feet under a comfy blanket.
There was a sudden realisation of how far I have come.
Months before, having ice-cream was really triggering, and it normally sent me in a massive spiral of dark thoughts, that led me to over-exercise or restrict the caloric intake the next day.
That was something I did unintentionally, as it was such an automatic and deeply ingrained behavior, I didn’t even question it.
I had plenty of food rules I piled up somewhere along the way, and I used them every day to calm my mind, and soother my soul. These silly rules made me feel slightly more in control than I really was, or so I thought.
A quick example?
A serving of chocolate is 20 gr, and it must be dark; no questions allowed.
Only one banana a day is allowed, or you will perish a horrible death made of unrelenting stomach cramps.
Gluten is bad but delicious, so I eat it and feel guilty because of it for the rest of the day.
If we go to a birthday party and there is a cake, I must restrict at lunchtime.
Most of my beliefs were quite irrational, others derived from a Calderone of knowledge from my years at uni, and from listening to too many podcasts and audiobooks (let alone reading articles and listening to other’s people opinions).
I was always on meerkats mode, very receptive to new diety fads, and the latest one on nutrition and fitness.
How was I feeling? Not so great…
I was constantly cold (the summertime breeze was a nightmare)
Often in pain due to overtraining and lack of rest
I was utterly exhausted, deep down to the core kind of exhausted
I was hungry
I had no libido
My fertility was equivalent to a prepubescent little girl
I was not enjoying life to its fullest, in fact, I couldn’t enjoy a dinner to its fullest
Somewhere along the line, I must have got really bored and angry at my restrictive lifestyle, and I made some changes:
WHY
I started by shifting my mindset, and I looked for the WHYS
Why did I want to change my lifestyle? What was really positive in keeping up with my current behaviors? What if I lived the rest of my life the same way?
And it dawned on me; what if at the age of 70, I still had to track my caloric intake and worry about the foods that were served at the table? It felt so unfair, unnecessary, and utterly miserable. Who wanted to live such a life? That was my biggest why…to expand.
I also felt that my restricting tendencies were dripping in into other areas of my life, such as my business, and the relationship with my husband. I wanted to be larger than life, to attract and align, to love with passion; I didn’t want to be a skinny, nerdy, weaky little thing for much longer.
EAT
After focusing on my whys, I had to take a fork and a knife, and getting on with things.
I started eating fearfully, as if afraid that I would explode after 24 hours of “excessive” food, or that something dramatic would happen. I tried it for one day. Nothing happened, and I still remained the same. I then tried it for 2 days. Same story. 7 days. Again, nothing was changing, apart for my hunger, as I kept wanting more and more.
That’s when I gave in, and I went “all in”. Ice cream for breakfast? Let it be!
Croissant as a snack? Ok
Croissant and ice-cream as a snack? Bring it on!
I’m not saying it was the “healthiest” lifestyle, but that’s what I needed to bring down all the barriers and to change the mindset once and for all. I didn’t want to binge on apples and gain weight on celery juices. I wanted the real shit, the overloaded in fat stuff. And it felt good. I did, of course, suffer from bloating, headaches, and other nasty symptoms, but I took it as a phase. I was recovering, my mind was emptying data space, and that was the most liberating thought of all.
CALM DOWN
Some days were great, epic, I would say. I felt I could take over the world.
Other times I just wanted to shy away and roll under my blanket; pity that I couldn’t, as I was a mum, a wife, a businesswoman, and I was also fully committed to expansion.
And so I worked on finding mind soothing tools that could support me through the process; I journaled, I listened to podcasts, I meditated, I walked in nature, I talked to my husband, I reached out and found a support group. And I rested. As long as my mind was racing, it was impossible for me to get to the finish line. And so I slowed down and calmed down.
Claudia is a Qualified Nutrition & Dietetic Consultant (BHSC) specialised in hormonal balance, women’s health, and disorder eating behaviors. She sees clients online and in clinical practice; you can find more about her or the Hypothalamic Amenorrhea recovery program by following her on Instagram, Facebook, or by checking her website.
