Bengisu: Fall 2018
Bengisu and I sat down after a day of shoe shopping in downtown Montreal and sipped sangria while I caught up with this 2nd snapshot of her life, continued from our last conversation in spring 2018.
Health: 8/10
I don’t have a very optimistic outlook of the world, and that tends to get me down a lot. I question things a lot and I’m not always happy about the answer. It’s like, “Okay my life is great, but what’s the point to this?” It’s always been like this.
Also, I’ve been talking to my parents recently and thinking about their retirement, and it’s kind of scary to see my parents get old. It’s a difficult transition — like I’m the adult now and the question of mortality becomes more relevant. For example, I’m planning my wedding and I want my grandmothers to be there, but for them to take a 8, 9 hr plane ride is just not possible anymore.
I read the book of this mortician who wants to bring positivity about death across North America, about death practices around the world and how to accept our own mortality. I don’t know if I believe in the afterlife, but I would like reincarnation to be real.
Work: 9/10
My new job! It’s been interesting, and so different from what I’ve done before. It’s been a good challenge, because I’ve always been a person who does things and in this role I need to transition from doing to managing. I’m also building my own team — one hire now and another hire in a couple of months. I realize that managerial roles don’t require crazy skills, it’s more of a consequence of circumstance that I need to make big decisions about team and direction.
Honestly my new job is a much needed change, because I found myself bored before. I was good at my old job and could probably could do it forever, but what’s the point of that? I’m wasn’t learning, and I felt pretty constrained with the lack of budget to get new ideas done. Now with a budget and team, I can prioritize what I want and help shape the direction of the company.
I realize hiring is pretty stressful. I’m thinking, “Wow, it’s in my hands if this person gets the job or not.” That’s a big responsibility. I interviewed a candidate to whom I was ready to give an offer, but then she accepted another offer and I was disappointed to see her go. I have two or three more interviews coming up, and I get more stressed going into an interview as the interviewer because I feel responsible for creating a good experience for them. It’s also important that I explain the job correctly so they can figure out if this role is something they want.
Career advice: this is the first time I realize the importance of a coverletter — there are some resumes that I see where I’m like, wow impressive credentials but do you really want to work for a retail company with your PhD degree? With a coverletter I can understand where they’re coming from.
On the side, I was helping my partner with his video game development, and that’s put on pause this summer while he’s focused on the coding part. This summer we played a lot of games with local game developing companies and honestly, many of them were disappointing. It’s quite a challenge developing games that are fun for the user. That entrepreneur life, there are so many unknowns, I don’t think I can do it.
Other than that, nothing major. I’m doing a small arts project where I make small keychains. I’m trying to find a more creative outlet so work is not the only thing I’m doing.
Play: 5/10 (for effort)
This is a harder question for me than work, I have more trouble finding things to do in this category than the work category. When I come home from work, it’s hard to shut off the mindset of “this is my goal, this is what I’m achieving”, to a mindset of doing things with no objective at all. Like my art pieces, I think “so what? So I’ll have 100 magnets on my fridge?” I’m torn, because who gives a fuck about the use of these magnets, but the emotional side of me always wants to know what the point is.
The only time I don’t feel that pressure is when I’m with other people — that’s the only time I stop asking the “what’s the point” question.
Love: 10/10
Right now my partner’s traveling and I’m suffering… but I’m going to be a bridesmaid for my friend’s wedding, and after that we’re taking a few days off to just be together. I really enjoy going to weddings and watch my friends be happy.
It was great to see my family after 10 months apart, but also it was hard to say goodbye because I wanted them to stay in the country. We’ll get there. This year I’ll be able to apply for their permanent residency, so it’s a lot of waiting.
My love for my cat… always 10/10.
