Vivian: Winter 2019
As we chilled on the couch in our friend’s SF apartment after a wholesome home-cooked meal, Viv and I introspected about her life, continued from our conversation in spring 2018.
Health: 8/10
Physical health is like a 4 because I don’t work out. One thing that I have yet to conquer in this life is making exercise a necessary routine part of my life, like brushing my teeth to save money for dental damage down the road. I’ll find myself doing simple motions that make my body hurt, which is a testament to how much I need to work out.
Mental health is on the uptick. I had a really rough year last year in terms of figuring out who am I, and at what point do I accept myself and how do I reconcile that with wanting to improve myself? If I don’t have a very steady and healthy mindset it’s very easy to turn self improvement into self deprecation. One of the best things I learned about last year was the root of turbulence in my life and what caused me anxiety, and I think I’ve ironed it out pretty clearly. This year I have a much better idea of what is happening to me, and a lot better at getting out of it.
I finally feel not embarrassed anymore to talk to people about it. It’s a big step for me. I’m hopeful about things changing this year because I’m about to see an Asian American therapist who specializes in the model minority complex. Having my partner here is super helpful too.
My spiritual health is closely tied with mental, because I don’t have a faith and I’m not looking for one. I think it’s interesting to study them and there are elements that are aligned with basic human values like how to be a good person. The closest thing to spirituality for me is finding those moments in my life where I feel extremely grateful and happy, usually when I take my time on a weekend and go to a coffeeshop and people watch.
Work: 6/10
It’s a working progress to not take the moment too seriously and not let my emotions ride too far. How I feel about my 9–5 varies a lot depending on how I’m feeling. If I’m feeling down or frustrated about anything, it triggers negativity towards work. Right now I’m much more engaged because one of my projects picked up a little bit and it seems like I’m going to have a lot more say in how the strategy is going to run, which is what the designer in me wants. If there’s an opportunity to make a better strategy choice, the designer always wants to step in and currently I feel like I have that choice to prove myself.
Earlier this year when I was contemplating changing my career or moving abroad it was a reaction of running away from current life problems. I went from a greenhouse high school to a greenhouse college to a greenhouse job, and I lack a lot of perspective on how shitty work can be for some people and I can fall prey to not appreciating my job as much as I should. Ultimately I realize that I’ve been blessed by an incredible opportunity and company to learn.
It’s a working progress to not take the moment too seriously and not let my emotions ride too far.
Side projects… I have way too much going on *laughs nervously*. They’re all projects I’m really interested in, and at some point I just have to accept that I’m the kind of person that does a lot of stuff. My involvement as an ambassador allow me to get to know the movers and shakers in the Asian American community — people are doing some really cool shit out there — and also to learn to build relationships with vendors and between teams.
I’m more interested in Asian community because it’s more globally focused. While Asian American causes are more pertinent to me, I feel like they’re a little too domestic. The INFP, the “diplomat”, comes out in me when I pursue harmony with everyone, and that starts with a basic understanding of the world at large.
Play: 8/10
I’ve taken on Chinese calligraphy recently, which evolved from treating art as therapy. I realize that the practice of art is closely tied to my issue with perfectionism, which is what I would call a root of mental issues that I face. When I want things to be so perfect that I can’t start, and at the same time pursue my ambitions, leaves me nowhere. For a long time I was so scared to make art because I would be unhappy if it didn’t turn out “perfect” and meet my expectation of myself being a creative. With calligraphy the technique is so difficult and the brush hard to control that it’s easy to screw up, and constantly facing these small failures is important to me.
In my fun project queue I want to draw a hiphop hype-beast version of Xi You Ji 西游记. Oh, and baking bread. The whole process of diagnosing bread problems and doing it better next time is so much fun. It’s a scientific experiment and you get to eat it afterwards.
I’d also like to host more dinner parties. I love cooking, and when I get to do it for other is even better. I want to live it up a little more and let my brain wander.
Love: 8/10
Familial love has been tough this year. My relationship with my mom is strained because we’re so much alike and there are things she does that bugs me to no end, maybe as a consequence of becoming an empty-nester or becoming older. My dad is the chillest dude though. With my sister I find myself feeling envious of her accomplishments and sometimes feeling inferior to her, and that has poisoned our relationship. I know she’s trying to make it clear to me, in her cat-like personality way, that she cares about me. I’m trying to get more comfortable sharing my mental health problems with my family.
Friendship wise — I always feel like I need more friends, like “oh I’m young I’m in a big city and I need more friends”. I realize I don’t always need to be outside and befriend everyone, and at the same time I know for a fact my social anxiety is a huge barrier to me getting close to anyone. I sometimes avoid hanging out with other people because the idea of having to “perform” a social side of me for hours terrifies me. I’m working on finding that happy space between not being controlled by the anxiety and still respecting my own boundaries.
I feel very solid romantically — I’ve learned so much by dating my partner. Before him, I had a very specific list of qualifications about the person I thought I wanted to be with, and if they weren’t up to par then I would be doing myself a disservice. But when I met him there was something that kept drawing me to him over and over, and I greatly admire that part of him that is very constant. He has a lot of steady traits that don’t show up on a first date, and at some point I realized that wait, I can just be myself with this person. Through him I learned to meet myself where I’m at.
Let me contextualize this
This is one candid snapshot from a chronicle of a few people’s post-graduate journeys. Some of us graduated Class of 2017. Others, a few years out. Each of us are on an unmapped journey to somewhere, optimistic that the dots will somehow connect in the future.
My hope to you is that when you follow along with our stories you will find comfort in the intentional randomness of life, and find courage in your own seemingly “monumentous” decisions.
The format will be simple — every four months, I will ask each post-grad to gauge 4 areas of their life (as inspired by the highly recommended book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans):
- Health (physical, mental, spiritual)
- Work (9–5, side projects)
- Play (things you do purely for fun)
- Love (from you and to you)
