Writing.
I’m struggling with words. And the words I fear are not mine.
I used to write. I used to write well. I believed people enjoyed what I wrote because it was unique, brazen, and inspiring. Then as I attempted to become a better writer, I began reading what other people created. I looked for new angles, new technique. I searched for ways to take the what I wanted to say and formulate better sentences and more exciting structures.
But, it wasn’t technique that I found, it was their great ideas. Unique perspectives that I hadn’t thought of. Striking insight to concepts that I knew were there, but never knew they mattered.
At first, I was inspired to try harder, to stretch my capabilities, to rise to the level that had been presented. But, several attempts and a bottle or two later, I became paralyzed by the quality of other people’s words.
I have the fortunate situation to be surrounded by incredibly smart people. These people push me, pull me, and support me. They also, unintentionally, make me feel horribly inadequate as I try to keep up with their greatness. I come up with the same ideas (sometimes before they do). But, my fear of expressing those ideas correctly – in adequate depth, at the right quality – keeps me from sharing them. I have become accustomed to second place.
I’ve convinced myself that external factors are at play. If I just had a scotch, or went for a walk, or had the right Wordpress template. In a fit of insight, I even convince myself that if I relax the words will come. But, actually, I’m not afraid of trying. Nor do I struggle with starting.
I’m simply afraid my peers won’t think it’s good enough.
Stupid, you say. Ridiculous! You’re probably right. I know better. However, it doesn’t make this struggle any less real or less personal.
I used to write. I used to write well. But, fear has become too convenient, doubt is an overstayed guest. It’s time I forgave myself for the book I started but never finished, or for the blogs I had but left to neglect. I will write for myself and, if people choose to, they can read it. I will struggle with words not because of pressure from others, but because I want to.
