I Nearly Died: How a Thoughtless Yoga Instructor Forgot to Tell Me to Inhale
It happened last week. After haggling with the stuck-up receptionist (also the instructor) to accept my expired Groupon for a yoga class, I strolled into the room ready to find my inner peace and realign myself with me. Little did I know I was embarking on a dangerous ride of negligence and spite. I hope this retelling, as painful as it is for me, can serve as a warning to others. A word to the wise, ALWAYS inhale when you need to, even if they don’t tell you.
Before the class officially started, I ran through my normal routine: try to touch my toes, realize I need to fart, then worry about holding it in the whole class. Standard stuff. The instructor began to instruct us as instructors are wont to do. It all seemed so innocent at first. We got into downward dog. “Breathe in. Breathe out.” Good. It seems she had chilled out after our whole Groupon misunderstanding. But things would soon take a sinister turn.
She told us to take a deep breath and hold it. Now, I’m not one to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a “windbag” and a “blowhard” on many occasions. Breathing is one of my specialties. I assume that’s what they mean when they give me those compliments. But what happened next was so dangerous and reckless, I cannot believe someone didn’t die right then and there.
“Breathe out,” she said. I could almost see the malice in her third eye. Being the perfect yoga vessel I am, I follow the instructions to a T. I exhaled, lowering deep into my stretch, still fending off the fart. But soon I felt a sensation. It was like I was drowning… but above water.
I looked at the instructor waiting for her to tell us it was okay to breathe again, but she never did. After 20 seconds I started turning blue in the face. Straining. Nearly a minute passed, but she had still not told us we could resume breathing normally. My eyesight when black and the next thing I know I’m being carted off in an ambulance.
The EMTs said they’ve never seen something so stupid. I couldn’t agree more. Who forgets to tell the class it’s okay to breathe again?! It’s a miracle there weren’t harmed.
A careless yogi nearly killed me. I’m, of course, in the process of suing for attempted manslaughter. I’ll continue to update the public. I only hope this dire story can save others from a horrible fate that almost befell me.
