We Were Never Going to Be Us
No amount of wishing was going to change that
Regarding your note, you’re probably right. If it’s already so difficult, and so delicate, it’s probably not a friendship destined for ultimate success. And I regret that. More than anything I’ve regretted in a long time.
I really did realize that “we” weren’t going to be an “us”.
Now, being completely honest, was there a little crush thing going on? Sure. I recognized that and had determined, did determine, that that was probably inevitable given the situation. But I’d also concluded that didn’t mean we couldn’t develop a meaningful friendship — with boundaries — and it shouldn’t have.
In my haste to demonstrate that we were friends, that I felt close to you, I used language that I should not have. My intent was to be honest and transparent and intimate, but at the same time, it was to (ironically) demonstrate that we were so close that I could make light-hearted comments or be transparent in a way that proved I was being open.
Or something like that.
I don’t know.
The problem is, of course, that the damage can’t be undone. I should have been more patient, more considerate of boundaries. Perhaps I also miscalculated because we’ve known each other so long — what I should have done is approached it as a new relationship and not immediately jumped into hyper-close friendship mode. I also should have recognized the difference between me being your friend and your girlfriends being your friends. I was never going to be one of your girlfriends, yet I kind of jumped right into that mode.
Thanks for reading all this. I don’t expect a response; it’s probably better that you don’t respond. Please do know that I wish you all the best and will always think of you fondly.
You’re a special light in a world that’s so dark these days. Go out there and make it yours. I know you can do it.