The Things You Tell Yourself You’ll Never Do When You’re Older

“There was so much popcorn, it quickly filled the kettle and spilled out onto the floor.” — Frank Asch, Popcorn

“It’s sentimental, but very good.” — Sean Fennessey, “The 2013 Movie Draft” episode of The Big Picture Podcast

“Illusion persists. There is something real in the illusion, more real than in the reality behind it.” — Slavoj Zizek, The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema

I told myself my kids would never wear apparel with graphics of animated characters on them— now, my son’s OOTD is anchored by either a Pikachu or Baby Yoda tee.

I told myself I would never belong to a country or social club — now, I’m a member of what I consider to be truly an elite class, holding both Costco Wholesale and Sam’s Club membership cards in my wallet.*

*This dive into fanciness is something that sometimes keeps me up at night. What’s next, paying for a haircut? That’s something I’ve only done once in my life, when I spent $10 at Sportclips for a mullet in 2010.

I told myself I’d never buy a refillable plastic popcorn tub they shill at movie theaters (a la the refillable plastic mug for Coca-Cola at Silver Dollar City or whatever your particular regional theme park is ) — but in 2013, I made one mine.

A few facts about The Bucket:

• Minions were plastered all over it in promotion of Despicable Me 2. I’ve never seen Despicable Me 2, but in reading the Wikipedia summary I found out Vanessa Bayer voices a flight attendant. I think we should replace Thomas Jefferson with Vanessa Bayer on Mt. Rushmore. Her Miley Cyrus impression is a national treasure.
• Most of the time, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, I begged my wife to carry it in to the theater. “It’s kind of like a purse, and that’s your thing,” may have been something I uttered.
• We got friendly with the cinema attendant at the Hollywood Theaters. While rules emblazoned on The Bucket expressly disallowed multiple refills (1 refill per visit) they never turned us down, say, when my wife and I saw The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, and needed more, more and more popcorn for the droll 3 hours and 7 minutes of Benedict Cumberbatch talkin’ smack to dwarves.

My Favorite Movies I Saw at the Morgantown, West Virginia, Hollywood Theaters Location in 2013

Her
There’s a tense scene in Her when the screen fades to black and things get…intimate?…between Joaquin Phoenix and his computer AI. In actuality, I think it was about 5 seconds, but it felt like a decade thanks to the awkward tension you could feel in the theater. I’ll never forget that.

The Spectacular Now
Is Miles Teller cooler than Miles Davis? No, definitely not. But this film almost swayed me, and it features Shailene Woodley, Brie Larson and Coach Eric Taylor along with Teller, who plays a character named “Sutter Keeley,” who I like to believe is heir to the Sutter Home Winery fortune. See, I told you I was fancy. I know a brand of wine that costs at least $6 a bottle. The poster for this movie says it “Hits you like a shot to the heart.” It does!

Gravity
The best songwriter of our generation, John Mayer, once sang, “Whoa, gravity, has taken better men than me.” Gravity tried to take Sandra Bullock in the movie Gravity, and she said, “Hell no.” Gravity was the most visually captivating cinematic experience of my life, and that’s coming from someone who saw the 3D re-release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Justin Bieber told us to “Never say never.” I know that for a fact.

If you believe a website like Quotes.com, “Never say never” is an adage that can also be attributed to Michael Jordan, Charles Dickens and Angela Lansbury. Talk about a Trinity.

The Bucket and the Hollywood Theater in Morgantown were a balm in 2013 (which makes me think for a second…could I use butter as chapstick?). We lived in West Virginia away from our family and sitting in a theater munching on puffed and popped kernels was a swell reprieve from feeling estranged from our land and people.

Since then, I’ve found deep solace in the movie theater. Whether alone watching Get Out on a cold February day, or seeing Uncut Gems while sneaking in airplane-size bottles of Jim Beam with pals, the cinema is my yoga studio or abbey or Presbyterian labyrinth. I haven’t mustered the gumption to purchase an AMC or Cinemark refillable bucket, nor have I been to the theater in a while. But my mom bought us a used air popper at a garage sale, and with the right concoction of Orville Redenbacher’s liquid butter and bottled seasonings, the popcorn almost tastes the same. Pair that with a big TV in a dark room and well, I can almost feel it. I need to be better about turning my phone off at home.

I keep getting older, and I keep telling myself there’s things I won’t do when I’m older. And I’m getting older, still.

And while I can’t quit my hot takes and obstinate pledges, there’s a hum in the form of the best piece of advice I’ve ever received, and I think it saves who I want to become every time I try to get stuck.

“Some day, you might change your mind.”