The Stigma of Being Single
Why does society deem us unloveable and unworthy?
Society has deemed me worthless because I am single; and doubly so because I am also childless.
It’s such a strange social stigma. If we’re not loved by a significant other, we must be worthless. If we don’t have a family (spouse and children) we are not contributing members of society. This may not happen for millennials but for Gen Xers, it holds.
There are solutions below.
The “Talk”
When I was forty-two-years-old, my father sat me down and told me I was a loser. This was nothing new, but something about that time was different, even for an abuser like him.
He said, “You’re almost fifty. You’re not married, you don’t have kids, and you don’t have a career. You’ve completely wasted your life. You never amounted to anything and you never will.”
I won’t go into all the things I had accomplished by forty-two, but the list was impressive. I didn’t bother telling him either. There’s no reason to defend myself to an alcoholic and malignant narcissist.
When I didn’t respond, he asked, “How many of your friends are married with children?”
I said, “I have a lot of married friends with children.”
In his usual condescending tone he growled, “Name them now, I bet you can’t even name one.”
As if I’d introduced him to my friends since becoming an adult, I knew better than that.
When I asked why he was asking he said, “Because we surround ourselves with people who are just like us and I’ll bet all your friends are single and childless losers, just like you.”
I’m not including this interaction as a “poor me”. I’ve spent twenty years in therapy unpacking the abuse and I know it’s never been my fault. But what’s interesting about this exchange with my father is what it taught me.
This is how most of society sees people in my generation who choose to be single. They’re usually not overtly insulting about it, but the judgment is there. And if it’s not judgment, it’s pity.
If you’re single with no children, it’s even worse.
Because I don’t have a partner and I don’t have a kid, I am deemed unloveable and something is wrong with me.
Does someone else’s love, make us worthy?
In 2005 I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve been in several which will be no surprise to hear, after you read about how my father treated me. While in this particular relationship, my partner would spend nights with other people (we did not have an open relationship).
I remember saying to myself, “Well at least someone loves me. He may stay out all night, but he’ll be back in the morning because he really loves me and that’s all that matters.”
And I felt this weird sense of self-worth because there was someone who, even though he treated me horrifically, loved me; which made me worthy. Or so I told myself.
A Female Thing
Maybe what’s really wrong are not the people who are single and childless.
Maybe what’s really wrong is the perception other people have about single and childless women. Because let’s be frank, this stigma is about women.
If a woman is single, she’s sad and unloved. Remember those derogatory terms? Old maid. Spinster.
If a man is single, he’s a bachelor or a playboy.
Thanks society.
Loneliness
And then there’s always that question of loneliness.
Coupled people ask me all the time, “Aren’t you lonely?”
Yesterday I ran into an old friend whose husband died recently, and she actually said to me, knowing full well that I’m single, “Last night I was looking up at the ceiling sobbing over my husband who died last year, and I thought this must be the way single women feel all the time.”
I stood there, shocked, my mouth gaping open.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” I said, “However, that’s not how we feel. I am single by choice and I love my life.”
I wonder if these are the stories people tell themselves when they’re feeling sad and lonely. I wonder how much these perceptions have to do with society and societal norms.
Are the judgments passed by people who are used to being in a relationship but suddenly find themselves alone? They’re navigating a new normal and don’t know how to be alone. They’re the ones who feel lonely and it’s projection.
Why is being alone acquainted with loneliness? And why is loneliness considered bad?
Loneliness vs Being Alone — Why Loneliness is not the same as being alone.
I am alone. I have been alone for a long time. But I am not lonely.
I have never been lonelier than sitting next to my husband on the couch. Since my divorce twenty years ago, I have not experienced that same gnawing ache of pain and sadness. Feeling misunderstood and being stuck in a place that I hated. Living with him felt like I was trying on an ill-fitting article of clothing; insanely itchy and constrictingly tight.
Being married or in a relationship once upon a time; doesn’t count with society, especially parents.
Yes, I was married and I’ve been in dozens of relationships, spanning from seven years to twenty. I even tried to have babies, something most people don’t know because: 1. It’s none of their business and 2. It’s painful to talk about.
I had two brutal miscarriages and an adoption where the mother changed her mind after I named the baby and cared for her in the hospital.
Now that I am fifty-five, I have embraced being single and childless.
I’ve moved on to achieve my dream of becoming a full-time traveler and digital nomad. I am going to live the rest of my life to the fullest.
I know that my experience differs from others. I know my answers and solutions are different for everyone. But what if we all stopped embracing societal expectations? What if we truly listen to our friends who are having different experiences than we are having? We don’t have to embody their experiences, but we can acknowledge them. We can learn from them. We can be there and hold space.
Just because someone isn’t married or doesn’t have children, it doesn’t mean they are sad or worthless.
Maybe the people who judge single-by-choice define themselves by social expectations. Maybe they’re miserable in their marriages (I know plenty of these) or they’re unhappy with their children, and these are the stories that they need to tell themselves about others to make themselves feel better.
Maybe their judgments are based on their fears. Like the fears that kept me in that abusive relationship I mentioned above. Where I thought I was a worthy human being because some abusing jerk “loved me”.
What if we stop letting other people’s fears, regrets and judgments cloud our choices?
Here are some solutions:
- Love yourself. If you don’t know how or if you never have, it’s not too late! My favorite exercise for this is mirror work as coined by Louise Hay (it’s free). Or try therapy, it works if you find the right therapist.
- Dump the toxic people in your life. I know it’s difficult and sometimes it’s not even possible. But if you can, you’ll be so much happier.
Remember my father? I haven’t spoken to him in six years, by choice. And although I still love him, I do not want him back in my life. Letting him go was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. The other toxic people in my life that I can’t dump, I interact with as little as possible. When they put me down I say “thank you” which, so far, is disarming enough that they change the subject.
- Find a community of like-minded, supportive, loving people.
And remember — It’s their issue, not yours — post these words on your mirror or put them in your Evernote or journal; anywhere you can see them.
If you want to find a significant other, or two or three or four (ethical non-monogamy), go for it but if you don’t, know that you’re not a pariah. You’re a normal, healthy, person who has made a choice that bucks society’s rules and for that I applaud you!
