What To Do When People in Your Life Lack Empathy
Learn to recognize it, hand it out freely, and cut your losses
There is an appalling lack of empathy in our society today. Have you noticed this as well? It’s completely understandable that people get caught up in their own life experiences and day-to-day dealings, but what’s the cost? What happens when people are short-sighted or looking at the minutiae of life instead of the bigger picture?
I’ll tell you.
There are disconnects, miscommunication, misunderstandings, but more importantly, there’s a lack of human connection. This lack of connection causes us to dehumanize others, even those we call friends. We can even look at someone we claim to love and deem them “enemy”. This happens on every level. We put ourselves and our immediate family (spouse/partner, kids, best friends) first and everything else falls to the wayside. The first emotion to go, in my experience, is empathy.
This is something I’ve been aware of for most of my life, as my family lacks empathy, and I do not. If anything, I’ve evolved into an overly empathetic being, mostly because I am expected to take care of them emotionally.
How Does This Translate to Real Life?
Whenever a friend, even an acquaintance, has an issue, offer empathy. It doesn’t matter if their issue is large or small or even if it’s something you would deem insignificant. Don’t minimize their experiences. Don’t tell them, “people are suffering more in other parts of the world” — because none of that is helpful to someone who is in pain in the present moment.
Listening is a Skill to Practice
Most people don’t feel heard, and the easiest way to offer empathy is simply to listen. Not offering advice. Not comparing. Not telling them you’ve gone through worse. Just be there for them and listen to their grievance, pain or trauma.
Then Offer Kind Words
Have you noticed how many people don’t do this when you tell them something in your life is hard?
Most people don’t say “I’m sorry, that sucks” let alone “Is there anything I can do to help.”
And what’s borderline insane about how we treat each other with indifference is how easy and fulfilling it is not to.
There is a simplicity in offering empathy. Plus, the cost-benefit analysis is a full return. You feel good about doing the right thing and the person who you’ve been empathetic to feels good about receiving compassion. This behavior also fosters an authentic connection between the two of you.
A Costly Personal Misunderstanding
A few weeks ago I had a misunderstanding with someone. This person has had a difficult life, which she talks about openly. I, and many others in her sphere, have offered empathy countless times. The misunderstanding had to do with money. I was paying for a service I did not use. When I canceled online (five months ago), the cancelation didn’t go through but instead of offering to refund me, a squabble over $20 broke out.
I could dive into a litany of “how to run a successful business” here because I have run several. I let one person slide for $3600 and another for $750, not to mention the hundreds of treatments I gave away for free (without telling my patients) because people’s insurance didn’t cover it in the end. That’s the cost of business. I didn’t burn bridges. I didn’t fight anyone over a few hundred (or even a few thousand) because it was easier, energy-wise and business-wise, to move on.
In this particular situation, it wasn’t even about the $20. It was about this person’s appalling lack of empathy and lack of personal responsibility. If you’ve read any of my past articles, you’ll know that I’ve been having some challenges. I’ve been without running water and power for two months and that’s just the tip of my iceberg.
But in this situation, as in most I encounter, I took personal responsibility. I apologized, explained what happened, and explained my situation. But the person never heard me. She never offered a single word of empathy. It was all about her and her troubles, and this $20 was somehow “owed” to her. By- the-way, this was after I’d already paid her $200 (which includes the 5 months of canceled services). I didn’t ask for that money back and she never offered.
The Future of Humanity
I get people are self-absorbed. We all are. But at what cost? The cost of genuine personal care about others. It’s not a good look and sadly, this is the track we’re on. We’re spinning out of control toward a world where narcissism won’t be a word used to talk about a single individual anymore because it’ll be the norm for most of society. And that’s freaking heartbreaking.
An aside: I have a dystopian series coming out about this.
What Can You Do?
At least start by saying: “I’m sorry” when someone tells you about whatever painful situation they’re going through. Even if you don’t mean it, just flipping say it.
If you do care, say, “I understand and I’m there for you. Can I help in any way?”
If you care but you can’t help, you can say, “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much right now, but I am too and I have nothing left to give right now.”
It’s not that hard. It’s basic human kindness. And you know what will surprise you the most? You’ll start meeting other people who care. People who actually want to help when you’re down. People who show up for you when you need them. This happened to me. The more I give, the more people offer to help.
The more empathetic I am with others, the more people are empathetic with me. The more I go out of my way for a friend… you get the picture.
True Friendship
Tonight a friend drove over to where I was parked for the night to give me a hug. I didn’t ask her to. She wanted to!
When you are the friend you want and expect, that’s what you’ll get back. Not a hundred percent of the time, but if not, it’s a great qualifier.
If you give and give and the other person takes and takes, let them go. If you give and the other person gives back, you’ve made a loyal friend.
I don’t think the person I wrote about earlier, the non-empathetic one, is a bad person. I assume they’re caught up in their own pain and suffering and have nothing left to give. And while I completely empathize with that (see what I did there), I don’t want people like that in my life anymore. I can still care about a selfish person and even love them, but not make an effort.
Lessons
I gave that person the $20 she bullied me for, plus extra. Sometimes it’s easier to throw money at a problem (even though I didn’t have it) just to cut someone out of your life forever.
But what this taught me was the importance of communication, the true meaning of friendship, and of course, my own personal deal-breaker — apathy.
Practicing
Unless someone has a true disorder (ie: sociopathy) they can feel empathy. So can you. But offering it is a practiced skill.
Hone your listening skills.
- The next time you have a conversation with someone, let them do the talking.
- Do not offer advice.
- Ask clarifying questions that draw out more of their story.
- Do not offer unsolicited advice (yes, that bears repeating).
Then offer empathy. Tell them:
- … you’re sorry they’re going through XYZ.
- … you hear them.
- … you’re here for them if they need you.
During the empathy portion of your conversation, you can reveal a personal tidbit of relevant information so they know you understand how they feel. If you have one. But do not attempt this during the listening portion of the conversation.
We’re all a work in progress. You won’t get this right on the first go. You may not get it right on the hundredth but you’re aware of it and you’re trying, which is the beginning. I promise that even the tiniest bit of effort on your part will not go unnoticed.
I’d love to hear your experiences both before practicing and after.
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