Dear PETA

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Dear PETA,

Thank you so much for your unsolicited emails, letters and faxes to my local PO over these past three months. I’m still curious as to how you obtained my contact information, however I’m pleased you did nonetheless. Your central intelligence and counter terrorism departments are doing a stellar job, so keep up the good work.

I guess you saw my Instagram story last November where I put the naming of my new puppy to a poll? As you can understand I like to include my followers in the most minute details of my life. I’m just self indulgent like that — you get it.

Many fantastic suggestions came through from some of my most loyal acolytes. My personal favourites were undoubtedly Senor Labrador and Puppy McPuppy-Face (his father’s last name was McPuppy and his mother’s was Face). Although, and as I’m sure you’re aware, neither of these were the winning suggestion.

So, let’s cut the crap right now. Me and Cat, my dog, are fine. Great, to be more specific (or exact even). We’ve landed on a really special routine: regular walks, shared showers, and even the occasional…. treat?!

I guess my question to you PETA is, ‘why you all up in my grill re: having a dog named Cat?’ Because you’re treating it like the end of the g-d world!

What you’re doing, whether intentional or not, is pulling Cat’s attention away from his leaky bum and putting it into his name. No dog named Cat shouldn’t be made to feel less. Especially by YOU!

My request is simple. I’d like you to stop harassing me to change Cat’s name. He’s used to it now. Think of the confusion you’d cause if I deviated even slightly. It’s hard enough getting his attention with all the deafness and cataracts (Cat-aracts — lol)!

Should further letters be sent, I’m afraid I’ll need to retaliate with another response and my tone will be far less favourable.

Sincerely,

Sue

he/him