Hire Me, We’re Friends

This cover letter is a formality.

Hey Jimmy,

It’s me — your best friend!

This letter is my official application for the role of Senior Account Executive, but we both know this is just a formality because I know you. We’re friends.

As you know, I’ve no experience in the area of accounts, seniority, or executive-ness, but as previously stated, we’re friends — making me the perfect candidate.

In the job description you’ve stated, “applicants must have at least seven years experience in this role or a role of similar standing.” I don’t have that, but remember your birthday party last year? I was there!

Sure, I have no practical or theoretical experience in this particular executive level position, but I do have knowledge of other things. These other things are directly related to my involvement in theater for the last 12 years. During this time I’ve learnt a number of useful techniques that can carry across to this position — a position I assume I already have given that I know you.

The first technique is intercostal-diaphragmatic-breathing. This method is used for powerful vocal projection. I can shout really loud, or quietly — should that be required. Again, I really don’t know much about this job and what my actual duties are but I assume the ability to speak is required, and being able to speak with control, well, wouldn’t that be a plus?! I hope your sister is doing well since the pregnancy, and how is little Sebastian?

Another theatre learned technique I picked up during my 12 year stint is loyalty. Specifically friendship related loyalty. Theatre taught me to always look after your friends. Friends are important. Friends are forever. You’d never hurt a friend, would you? Of course not because we’re best friends and that would be crazy! OMG, we’re friends!

Theatre aside, I think it’s important to address the elephant in the room — your anniversary! Isn’t it next week? Have you got a present for Stephanie yet? Here are some suggestions to help with the planning:

• Something shiny. This goes without saying as I know how Steph loves her jewellery.
• A trip away. You both seemed to really grow on your most recent trip to Italy. Why not surprise her with a similar getaway?
• That famous picnic. You could replicate your engagement from all those years ago. A picnic watching the sun set over the skyline of the city — magical.

Whenever you get a chance Jimmy, it’d great to get confirmation of my start date for this position, but we can discuss that further at Gary’s poker night — he’s doing hot wings!

Best,

Your best friend

As seen on Robot Butt