I’m A Discount Hitman

You get more than you pay for!

GUY SOMEBODY — THE AFFORDABLE HITMAN

(I can’t afford the rights to Eye of the Tiger, but imagine Eye of the Tiger is playing… or Chariots of Fire)

Sick and tired of your boss?

Think your inheritance is a bit ‘“unfair?”

Maybe you’re trying to usurp top brass?

It could even be that you’re Gen Z, bored, and looking for something to do.

WELL WORRY NO MORE!

Life’s hurdles and minor inconveniences are a thing of the past, out of your hands, and under control! The control of someone far more erratic…

GUY SOMEBODY — THE AFFORDABLE HITMAN! (You can try to stop imagining Eye of the Tiger or Chariots of Fire but once it starts it rarely ends).

I’m Guy Somebody, a hitman. Of course that’s not my real name, its an alias. My real name is Guy Somerstein, but I’ll never tell. My dream is to help you get the life you’ve always wanted through the ancient art of wet-work. A pastime as old as the shipping industry, and a pastime of equal nobility.

Much like owning and operating a yacht, or any other sloop or ketch really, the wet-work business is expensive. It’s truly the worst thing about the profession.

Well no more!

With my alarmingly low prices, it’s easier than ever to hire me, a hitman with a penchant for all things marine. It doesn’t matter if it’s your boss, a foreign dictator, or even your sailing coach [who incidentally cut you from the u14s laser regatta for having a quote un-quote lack of killer instinct] I don’t discriminate when it comes to your needs. As long as I have the back three digits of your credit card, we’re all good!

You’re probably asking yourself:

“BUT GUY SOMEBODY, WHAT’S THE CATCH? THIS DEAL IS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! ALSO, YOU SEEM REALLY OBSESSED ABOUT BOATS AND SAILING!”

Well the fact is, you’re right. There is a catch, and the maritime industry does hold a very special place in my heart. Here are some minor caveats regarding my discounted hitman services:

• Where most hitmen might stake out a target for weeks determining routine and pattern, I kind of just start one say and bang the whole thing out in a couple of hours. Gotta get back to the club for Joanne’s ‘Spanish Bowline’ demonstration.
• I don’t work on race days, or any casual regattas for that matter. Assume that if there’s a decent south easterly, I’ll be uncontactable.
• Whilst the more expensive hitmen tend to preference the incognito look, using costumes and disguises to their advantage, I don’t. Instead I like to wear my red blazer, it’s velvet at the cuffs. My OCD won’t let me wear anything else, even now as I write this out my velvet cuffs whisper against the keypad.
• Many hitmen deal in cash, but I rather a digital footprint. I like my finances traceable.
• I’m not a very good marksmen. I’m not even a bad marksman. I’m whatever’s worse than that. It’s my incessantly shaky limbs you see. An old sailing injury. Put a gun in my hand and I couldn’t even hit a lake if I was standing at the bottom of it.
• No refunds.

For a cheap price, I’ll guarantee that I’ll try to turn up and carry out your unmentionables in a manner that upholds the hitman industry to its high standards, whilst honours the nautical space concurrently.

If you’re dissatisfied with the results of hiring me, a discounted hitman, well then maybe you should have thought a bit more about what you’re willing to sacrifice before paying the starters fee.

Like swatting a fly, reduce any major issue to a minor nuisance with my discounted services and get your quote TODAY! After all, I’m not here to rob you, I’m just in it for the hits. Hits which keeps me afloat!