My Self-Help Seminar: Unlocking The Olympian Within

I’m a tactician

Thank you, and welcome!

The Olympics.

A seemingly unattainable task, even for the life long devotees.

I have to say, I feel both challenged and excited about this talk.

Excited in that I get to give something back to you, the audience. Challenged in that this will be the shortest seminar I’ve ever done, because the secret to your Olympic glory is simple… Run clubs!

Now: MOTIVATION.

What is it that motivates you to action? Today. Not 10 years ago, but right now. Because I believe we’re all plagued by the same invisible force, every day, propelling us to action.

Dating.

The possibility of maybe speaking to someone of romantic interest is a great uniter. Emotion and the possibility of lustful entanglement is the force of life. Both an individual and collective motive.

I can hear you all now: “but how does this all link? You’re talking about the Olympics, then run clubs, now dating?”

Firstly, shut up — this isn’t a call and response seminar. Secondly, I’m a crazy mofo. A radical guy. You wouldn’t be paying me so much to speak today if I wasn’t! Let’s reverse the whole thing, shall we? Instead of Olympics, run-clubs, dating, let’s go, dating, run-clubs, Olympics.

Whether we like it or not, modern dating is linked with run clubs. They’re the new apps. Tangible. Shrouded in lust. But the reality is, and part and parcel why you’re at my seminar today, you’re probably too much of a coward to actually speak to someone of romantic interest at one of these run clubs. Put your hands up if I’m right? A resounding yes.

You think you’re playing the long game, right? Start by testing the waters. Scout each run club event for a potential interest. Maybe you spot someone. A slight flutter in your gut. You’re interested. Feromones firing. You think, “next week I’ll say hi.” Then next week comes and you’re a nervous wreck. You can’t even muster up the strength to pour a complimentary post-run long black into a cup without spilling it. You’ve got the shakes. Nerves grip . Your mouth taut, the words refusing to come out. Don’t worry, “next week” I hear you mutter to yourself again, “next week I’ll say hi.” Pfft, lies. Next week comes, and so too does your cowardice. People talk. They think you’re treating the run club as a club to go running, not a place to hook up. They’re confused, “is this guy actually running at this club? Doesn’t he want to hook up with us?” Again, the following week comes and you’re back to your same old ways… silent. Head down. One foot in front of the other. You start making good time.

At this point you’re at a crossroads. In my seminar last weekend we talk about something completely unrelated to this topic, but I’m going to repeat it because you’ve all paid a lot of money to hear me talk. The secret to living is giving. It rhymes. I’m a rhyming seminar speaker sometimes, but life isn’t about me — it’s about we. Rhyming again.

By this point it’s been too long to actually engage anyone. You’ve been to countless run clubs and haven’t spoken to a single person. It’d be weird if you started now. People talk, they’ll think you’re a creep. Hell, you probably are. Hands up if you’re a weirdo or creep. Another resounding yes.

You’ve found yourself in a stalemate. Too late to start talking to people, too difficult to leave the run club altogether. See you’ve been to so many run clubs now you’ve become run club president. You’re in a 4 year term. Organising fundraisers, selling cookies door to door to raise money for new uniforms, you even started a group whatsapp — that’s commitment.

Your splits are looking good. Really good. So good in fact there’re whispers of a professional invitation. You shrug them off. You’re not in it for the running, you’re in it for the romance, right? Well where’s the romance you fool?! Instead of courting, you’ve been eating well and dieting like Kipchoge — you’ve started wearing an eye-mask to bed for christ’s sake! We lost the romance of run-clubs long ago. We’re in it for a medal now.

It doesn’t come straight away, but good things take time. If you want to learn more about time, you can purchase my book on Business Management Skills from Amazon, or from my assistant Daryl in the back.

Turns out the run clubs have been paying dividends. You place in the National Championships. Insane really. Imagine how far you’d have gone if you placed the same efforts into actually striking up a conversation with someone. A national placing is a signed ticket to the Olympics. People talk. The media jumps on board now too, “who is this newest runner for team Australia?” I can see the headlines now, ‘THE QUIET CONQUERER.’ I’d be angry at you for not talking to anyone if I wasn’t so proud it led you to the Olympics.

You waste no time and book in an Olympic rings tattoo appointment. Right on your bicep. Sure, it’d be nice if you had someone to share your success with, but you probably wouldn’t know how to put it into words. You’ve got a track record remember? Silence.

So what’s the primary principal of my talk at this point? The core of my seminar.

Certainty!

[the below is actually from a Tony Robbins seminar]

Now, while we go for certainty differently, if we get total certainty, we get what? What do you feel if you’re certain? You know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen — what would you feel? Bored out of your minds. So, God, in Her infinite wisdom, gave us a second human need, which is uncertainty.

A revelation of prose, yes? No. We can surmise the above as a pointless combination of words. In its essence, it is a paragraph that, by the time we get to the end, cancels itself out. A true waste of time.

Now, back to ‘certainty’, and something far more tangible. If you join a run club, you’re certaintly going to avoid conversation so much that you’ll accidentally find yourself in the Olympics.