You’re A Top Applicant At: Founder of Tech Company

This is a 100% legit job application.

Based on your search history and the staggering $550,000 p.a. salary filter you set which we’re surprised is even an option, we think you’d suit the following job:

FOUNDER OF TECH COMPANY
(note: this is an entrepreneurial position)

A rare opportunity at our Fortune 100 company has opened up, and we’ve found ourselves in need of the next big ‘go getter’ to join the team in the exciting position of… founder!

Originally founded in 2011, we need a founder!

Our company has been a pivotal player in the world of tech, constantly navigating the adapting industry, whilst not only surviving, but thriving. Here we are over a decade later and we’re finally ready for a founder… again. Hey, that’s tech!

The role isn’t for everyone. Being a founder isn’t easy, and we’re inputting a strict set of requirements to make sure we find the right person for our Fortune 100 company. And so, if you don’t meet any of the criteria below we highly discourage applying.

Like all good founders, ours will need to have a ‘can do’ attitude. We call this an ‘INNER DRIVE’. A real, ‘go gettem’ energy, which we call ‘GRIT’. We’re talking someone who is a full blown ‘do-er,’ or someone with a ‘GOAL ORIENTATED MIND SET’. Yep, we really suck! We’re a start up after all.

Inner drive, grit, can-do, these are just buzzwords. Meaningless air. Drivel. Beefing out the word count. Total crap. Buzzwords!

Anyway, here are some more buzzwords:

Exceed expectations.

Achieve project goals.

Strategy.

Asset to the team.

Synergy.

The reality is, the above buzzwords and strict personality requirements of a ‘can do’ candidate are going to separate out a lot of applicants. No one can just say they have a ‘can do’ attitude in an application, that would be lying. We, like all tech start ups, detest lying.

Don’t let our prerequisites discourage you, we have multiple board positions up for grabs in a following application. There’s an even less proven track record needed for one of those jobs!

Let’s keep the ball rolling here with a quick fire round of jargon. See how you react. If good, continue with the application. If neutral, continue with the application. If bad, continue with the application. It’s pretty obvious all we’re after here are warm bodies (this isn’t a shell corp).

• Scaleup (meaningless fodder)
• Mechatronics (there’s a Transformers joke in here)
• Investments (just general sort of investments, the general style)
• Capital Pathway (total crap)
• Robotics (the only cool thing about any of this)

If you read the above list and immediately envisioned yourself in a skinny tie with a Patagonia vest on and a tube of hair gel in your back pocket, you probably have what it takes to be our tech company founder. Definitely apply!

Still skeptical of joining (and founding) the team? Maybe our work culture will sway you. We’re a tech startup, we don’t like to toot our own horn, butttttt….. we’re pretty radical about how we do things here:

• Wacky hat Fridays — on the third Friday of every month, we encourage employees to wear a crazy hat. Something to really showcase their personality. And trust me, in this business there are a lot of wacky go-getters about. As Founder, you’ll have the presitgious job of judging the wackiest hat! Winners gets one free steak meal at P.J. O’Brien’s (non refundable).
• Employee of the month? Never heard of it, how’s ‘employee of the week’ sound?! Guess what? Winners gets 3x lemonades at P.J, O’Brien’s (non refundable).
• Join our company baseball team! We always head to P.J. O’Brien’s after a big loss for some cold lemonades and hot steaks!

Further to your application, we require at least a level 5 knowledge of various undermining nicknames, but most importantly how to use them. These can include:

• Slugger — example, “is that the new Davidoff cologne, Slugger?”
• Champ — example, “nailed that Johnson account, Champ!”
• Muscles — example, “digging those KPIs, Muscles!”
• Big Kahuna — “how about that Christmas bonus, Big Kahuna?”

With a ‘can do’ attitude in your left hand and various meaningless buzz words and nicknames in your right hand, we want YOU to help guide US to global hegemony as our tech company founder!

If it’s any further consolation, our last founder was knighted.